March 31, 2007
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Edited to add: The vodka came AFTER I dropped her off.
I think I messed up. I told my daughter I didn’t see her marrying the boy she’s living with. She’s hellbent on having babies with him, and I’m very fond of him but I just don’t think he’s the one. And I know it’s way too early for her to be talking about babies. She’ll be 24 this month, and she’s still going to school. She transfered to the Art Institute here, from San Francisco, but lots of the credits they won’t accept. So, it’s another year and a half. She and her older sister managed to drag out the four-year process pretty good; trust-fund babies, as long as they were in school. I’m drinking vodka and orange juice or I probably wouldn’t be going into the family business. Not that it’s my business, according to their dad, since I’m not paying for it.
We were having a perfectly lovely evening. She’d invited me to go to a movie, and I suggested dinner. It was a documentary about an older photographer who falls in love with his model. He did nudes — my daughter is a FABULOUS artist and nude charcoals are her thing — and the story was told by his ex-wife, the model. The time these two spent together she journaled and he photographed. Her daughter helped tell the story, along with the biographer and someone who knew the photography scene in the ’30s and ’40s. There was one scene of him photographing her rolling down the dunes, nude. He was hanging out with Ansel Adams at the time.
We were walking back to the car when I decided to tell her. I figured I had to because when I took the youngest to the doctor earlier in the week — Good thing I’m drinking orange juice with my daughter’s vodka (the oldest likes this certain kind I got for her to drink at Christmas and I just remembered it was here) as the two younger girls have terrible colds — I brought her back to her Grandma’s, and in the course of the conversation I said I didn’t think this guy was the one. You can bet THAT will be repeated so I was addressing it first. She seemed fine in the car but once we got to her driveway she got huffy and said something to the effect that she would prove me wrong. Great.
Comments (13)
This is one of those areas I think my parents have down. And I don’t think I will do as well. Actually, my parents did NOT have it down until I was divorced though… NOW they have it down. Some sort of nonchelance (sp?), this ability to step back and say “Gee how interesting. It will be interesting to see how that works out.” With no judgement. I don’t know how they do it. I cannot. Not yet. But I remind myself they couldn’t for a long while either. Now, when I ASK for their advice, they won’t give it. Just don’t make ultimatums. Try to be there for them even as they make bad choices.
ellen234 said it. Vodka and orange juice, remind me to avoid because I think it takes away the ability to make non-judgmental responses. Cheers
I am sorry to hear that. I can feel the pain you feel of seeing your daughter is about to make a mistake but you cannot do anything about it. However, our parents made their mistakes. We make our mistakes. So the youngs will make their mistakes.
If you ever figure out how to help your kids learn from your mistakes (or anyone else’s) do tell! Seems each of us has to do the same stupid things a hundred people before us did, just to learn that simple lesson. And it seems to be the only way we learn. Perhaps as humankind continues to evolve, the ability to learn life’s lessons through something other than personal experience will develop. Until then we sit with clenched teeth and silent tongues.
RYC: Had a few protected posts up for just a day or two each, things are changing with GF and I. Not sure where it’s headed. Still learning life’s lessons here!
Fairly sure she’s into resenting what you said. I’m like you are, put a couple of drinks in me and I’m liable to level with you, especially if I’m not too fond of you in the first place.
Nothing to do but sit back and try to refrain from compounding the problem by adding an apology.
RYC: Thanks for the compliments about my “Eye” in my photography work. You know I love my pictures but more than that I like conveying what I’m thinking or seeing and that someone “Gets” it…marilyn
I’ve been on both sides of that one. My family didn’t think my first husband was the one, and they were right; but I was determined to be with him anyway. Of course, now I’m in the more parental role with Pink, and I have to keep my cringing under wraps.
lol! I did the same thing with my parents…set out to prove them wrong. Of course, the first 3 times didn’t work in my favor, but it finally did, and I’ve at least got that.
What is the name of the documentary? It sounds completely enthralling to me. I like that kind of stuff.
And hooray, for mentors! And buddies who keep us on track!
I love you, Pru…GFW
Children will always try and prove the parent wrong. In the end, we all need to make our own mistakes and learn from them.
ryc: I thought music and lyrics charming, in that simply entertaining way…of course the whole play on Wham was hilarious, as it’s music from my youth.
We are willful, stubborn creatures. My mom makes sure not to tell me what she’s thinking all the time, which I always find more annoying than brutal honesty. I’m probably wrong, though. Your daughter knows you care, and that’s good stuff.
Oh my. I hope she is past the stage where she will try to prove you wrong. I wasn’t but i also would not ever say it out loud. That might indicate that she is more communicative and willing to be. Good for you for saying something. You probably aren’t the only one to think that and you may have just bravely opened the door for others to be honest with her too.
I kind of wish someone would have done that for me. I could go about trying to prove one person wrong but all of them who felt it was wrong and never sad it? I would have had big second thoughts if I would have known their thoughts. It would have saved me years. I was really sort of pissed later on in the marriage when I started to complain and they let loose their real feelings. I asked why they never told me that to begin with and they said they thought I would be stubborn and it would last longer.
Well, they were wrong. If I would have known, I would not have given him so many second chances based on the idea that everybody thought he was just dandy. Had I one clue that they thought from the start that it was a no-go, I would have folded much earlier. I know this. There comes a point when the two are alone and she will question it. If she doubts herself like many people do, she will rely upon the words of people who love her. If there are no honest words then only doubt remains. So while she may be angry now, at least you have the words in there that give her the support she may well need in those moments alone that are to come. I am so glad you told her.
ryc: I would hug you right now if you weren’t so far away for doing it. I sat back and figured it. The first time questioned my choice I actually did end up resting on the fact that nobody ever said anything but great stuff about him so I figured I must be spoiled or just wrong. And I shut up and dealt with it for FIVE more years! Holy crap. I did that every time until getting out was more like proving them wrong in their silence. I almost didn’t leave because I thought they would be disappointed! Sheesh, what one word of communication would have saved.
maybe you should start over with her… i mean having the same conversation. it’d be nice if you could talk about stuff that really matters w/o it being confrontational. i suspect she has her own doubts but didn’t want to hear yours.
It wasn’t going your way whatever you said.