September 21, 2009
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Back from the beach and the blues. Felt a little blue last night. But I had an insight. Maybe the longing I always feel when I drive away each year is a recurring theme.
My mother couldn’t love me. My husband couldn’t love me. I mean they did in their own way but they kept it a secret from me. I think I must gravitate to men or situations that perpetuate the longing to be loved.
So that’s alarming.
Another thing occurred to me. I have spent the last three weekends overlooking bodies of water. First the moon, now with the water. I’m much more connected to this earth than I ever realized.
Comments (6)
wanting love from ppl unable to show it is a theme in most of our lives. i hear you about the water connection. part of me feels home whenever i see the ocean. when i go too long between visits, it hurts. we are indeed connected to the earth in ways we can’t comprehend.
Longing is an interesting thing. Some of the mystics enjoy the longing most. Others like the feeling of oneness, of wholeness. They’re different and yet connected, cataphatic and apophatic. I have always loved the water, but I’m learning it’s not my element. I am drawn to the mountains – to earth and wind.
now that you know this about yourself, it will no longer be an issue. you are aware. well done.
I am still defining what love is. When I was younger, I thought I knew. Six decades have passed and I am still trying to work it out. My wife and I have been married for 42-years. The love we share is just as real as on the day we said, “I do.” However, it is not the same. I’m not sure I know how to explain it, much less what it looks like. I know only that it is a verb…requires action.
I’m sorta partial to sunrises…I guess that’s my main connection to the earth.
I just spent some time on a wooded path thinking that I know I should be more connected to the earth, but I so love the tech in my ears. It took about a mile or so for me to turn everything off and just enjoy it.
Do you think realizing what you gravitate to will help change the pull on you? I wonder about that. I do not want to make the same mistakes again and wonder if I have truly changed enough of my core to keep from doing so.
We resonate. I, too, have a similar experience with my mother. The unmothered mother. Clarissa Pinkola Estes talks about this in, ‘Women Who Dance With the Wolves.’ And my husband who was similar. Does it have to be a repeatable pattern just because it’s what we grew up with and are comfortable with? Do you feel more free to be who you are now that your mother has passed on? I often wonder that, what that’s like. I think, no matter how complex or difficult the relationship, there is always grief, some deep inexplicable pain. It’s natural; it eventually passes. How can one lose what one never had? Ha, a koan for the unmothered daughter… Hope you’re keeping well. Thanks for the notes at my site. xo