February 19, 2008
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I have this burning desire to write lately. Not what I’m supposed to be working on, that I had people actually willing to critique, but this daily drivel. I don’t know why I need to be here night after night. It’s half about the writing and half about trying to see myself the way I am.
I told this guy at church — Yeah, I met a really cool guy at church. What the hell is going on after all these years with no men in sight that I suddenly am meeting great guys? He’s probably with someone but he sure was friendly — and I was talking about writing, how much I enjoy trying to accurately get down what I see and think and feel. Not just because I’m self-absorbed but because it’s easier to get at true words people will relate to, if I choose a subject I can address, firsthand. Like I loved doing the favorites list. It’s a little embarrassing, though, writing about my inadequacies, but this is a chance to get an objective look at myself and to maybe change my thinking.
I suddenly could care less about getting published. I think the best thing about writing the memoir was the cathartic effect it had. Putting yourself into people’s shoes is so much easier when they are a character, as opposed to when you’re living with them. By the same token, seeing myself through the first guy’s eyes is — our views are not jibing and, since I’m biased, it’s making me think his view is more accurate. It’s unnerving.
Sooo, still no phone call. What Boo said made me feel better. I’m not exactly sure why. I am having a real hard time coming to grips with where I’m imagining he’s at. What she said about the fact that this is visual is totally true because he is so visual. We talked about that at dinner.
The more worried I got today about what he was thinking the more I started finding fault with him, replaying some things he said that I’m not all that okay with. I also have questions about his health. I’m starting to think that maybe I shouldn’t be writing about him. He knows I am though.
I think he’s also thinking about the fact that I’ve lost a lot of money in the stock market. I told him my broker said I had to get a job. Even the smartest money managers in the world are down for the year. If you are a long-term investor, you’re gonna be down in this market. I told him I was refinancing my house, borrowing money. It probably sounds scary to him, it scares me. But I did it once before when the market was down and I made it all back plus more. Any way you look at it, I sound risky.
When you see yourself through the eyes of a suitor and you come up short, it’s like seeing yourself for the first time. I’ve just never looked at myself this way. I have been really good at the stock market but this is a bear market and I don’t know how to do that. I believe it when they say if you aren’t VERY experienced trading in this kind of climate, DON’T.
It’s so different dating when you’re old. It feels like a much bigger commitment. Not only do you have to take into account political and religious beliefs you need to look at their medicine cabinents and their children. Since our mutual friend introduced us — And, by the way, she doesn’t know the details about my medical history — he must feel obliged to — It puts him in an even more awkward position. Our friends are out of town until tomorrow. I imagine her husband will be getting a call.
Comments (11)
I am proud of you on so many different levels. You are truly a survivor, and your experience has taught you how to see from many perspectives at once – both a blessing and a curse. Your writing has also matured – I can tell just from your daily musings – and I am glad that now you just want to get it out, and are not concerned about publishing. That is probably when it’s most likely to happen! Perhaps when you are feeling more that way about your romantic situation, you will find that person who will accept you for who you are, and not see you as a list of assets against liabilities. I think it is always a good idea to have a strong friendship before romance enters the picture, and perhaps that is even more true in your case. I wish you the best of luck, as the pursuit of love is rarely easy. . .
i understand the seeing yourself through someone new, and how it can be unnerving. i am seeing myself through soon to be DIL and she has held up the mirror to my need to be connected. i think it is uncomfortable for her which makes me upset that i caused it. sheesh. life…
i think you’re in a good place lately. i can hear it in your tone! if only i could find that place where being published doesn’t matter!
I think you’re a brave lady.
Journaling, in any form, is healthy. Journaling here is a way to not only pour yourself out (figuratively) but get feedback the way you can’t with a diary. Sometimes that feedback can help you look at things from a different perspective. From your need to write and all the things that are going on in your life right now, I suspect that you’re also going through a “growth spurt” inside. Lots of changes.
Dating is hard at any age I think. Teens are supposed to date so they take the difficulties as simply part of life. As we get older we tend to view the difficulties as what they really are — just hard stuff to deal with!
Any man who can’t cope with your medical history is just not worth your time. It’s not about you; it says volumes about HIM. There are some good guys out there. At least you’re putting yourself out where you can run into possibilities. You’ll also learn tons about yourself and learn what you really need and want in a partner and what you don’t. I think you’re doing a great job. Hang in there.
Keep on writing. And Boo is awesome. I sort of wanted to wait to comment on you last time until she had commented first. She’s always good at bringing perspective.
I came by yesterday evening and was going to comment when my computer was taken over by a family member who claimed to have urgent business online ,and by the time they were ready to get off I was asleep. I suppose if I were single my responsibilities to Joe would be the thing that would test any relationship.As noted any man worth having would not let your medical history deter him .I know its hard but forget as much as you can thinking about what a man might be thinking.You can never be sure and speculation can be draining.It is especially hard on you if it begins to alter your sense of self.I am a short ,frizzy haired little woman that many people assume must be addled.I get so caught up in what I am doing i forget to notice if my shirts buttoned correctly and so on.I have not let that or them stop me from taking myself seriously. Addled I am indeed at times , but smart and agile like a cat so even if I blunder I find that I am fine, If I let them define me I might start to be just addled….anyway being a writer as you are self evaluation is second nature to you as is the observation of others ,so I know my clever advice may not only be out of line but impossible to follow:) I hope the market responds to the stimulus package.Its a nice thought anyway.
I’m glad if t helped at all. I wanted to smack that man a little. I cannot argue with the nature of men who are usually visually driven creatures, but it is as if they are children who do not know what is best for themselves. Still, who wants to mother a full grown man?
I remember times when you had written of some pretty specific things to investigate like medications and parents, and I have to think it is okay to both have those requirements and standards and to change them at will. Why not? It is your life.
There is this fine line between seeing yourself through others’ eyes and not losing you own vision. Or there is for me anyway. I’ve gone to comical extremes on either end of that spectrum and have great admiration for anyone who can navigate it well and come out still respecting themselves. Good lord, I shot at animals to impress the ex when dating and in the reverse I’ve made a point of being an in-your-face bitch to someone else thinking that he should like me for me. I think there is a Laverne and Shirley episode that must cover this.
I am glad for your passion to write right now! And more so that you are feeling free of the publishing desires/pressures. Who needs that with pressures like a bear market? Which btw, being a risky venture is traditionally sexy. Just saying.
I don’t know enough about the guy, but when he calls it is good to know that you have evaluated him as well and if necessary it can come across. it is still very interesting and not surprising that other men are apt for your company.
ryc: Oh the Xanga changes… so darned many and many just unnecessary. I’m giving you a mini anyway. If I can afford it, I will give you the one I think is the funniest.
Ha! I could afford it!
ryc: They cost “credits” and those come when you leave comments on people’s pages and some are awarded for unknown reasons too. You can buy them, but I never will. They just accumulate. meh.
I did kind of mean that but I didn’t want to make it sound like game playing. It’s not in my mind. If this guy is essentially a good one it might be good for him to realize that his perceptions/misgivings (if he has them) are not necessarily shared by others. It may not be good for your interests as he might, like so many, become more invested by hearing it and you might not like that or fancy him anymore. In any event, if it does you some good to see yourself through others’ eyes, it might do him good to see also see you through the eyes of those who can and do comprehend your beauty inside and out. It’s not prompting jealousy so much as perspective to my way of thinking.
I looked in my husband’s medicine cabinet when we were dating and we were only 22.
I’m loving the daily output from you…love…love…love it. You’re so brutally honest about everything. I deeply admire you and you know that…marilyn