May 6, 2008
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I did this for
Featured_Grownups
May 2008 Topic 2 of 2
MOM
“Since topic ONE didn’t get much interest, I decided let’s move forward. And since I host this site I can do that
Write a letter to your Mother. It doesn’t matter if she is in heaven or on earth. Tell her what she means to you…
You can make it a simple list, your own poem, pictures, song or fairy tale, mystery, fun, serious; it’s up to you… it’s your blog! ~ feel free to use pictures, songs…you choose, we enjoy!”
Dear Mom,
That was weird to write since we all call you Lois. Because I am the oldest and the biggest recipient of Dad’s precious little time at home, one might think I fared the best. Most everyone agrees on that, including your other offspring. The day he left was the scariest day of my life, up to that point. I’ve had worse now so that day served me well.
I talked to you the other day, as someone I went to high school with mentioned having been to our house; that you hosted an orientation for the University of Oregon before my freshman year. Having no recollection of that, I phoned. It was like talking to some new woman, some benign version of you.
I made it sound like I was in on the agreement that I got off easy. Nah. You and I both know I had to fight you every day of my life from the time I was eight. But they still think I’m lucky to have been able to put up the fight. What happened? What made you so mean? Was it dad’s affair? I know that was the first of many, but what did that have to do with me?
When you still had three children you were at least good to your only son. And because your youngest was the weirdest kid on the block you babied her. Then she was the smartest kid in the class and the most creative so you drove her to all her special plays and orchestras while I did all the dishes. That’s fine. But the fact that you never expected anything more from me than to find a good husband made me not have expectations for myself.
Your oldest grandchild, my firstborn (I would never send this but if I did I would use her name) said the other day that of your four I was probably the favorite. I looked incredulous but she explained that you would be the most proud of me, that you would identify the most with me. I was shocked to see the sense in that, as ironic as it seems.
Of all the ways you hurt me over the years I have come to realize that by not showing me any love, ever, that I may spend the rest of my life needing it. Mother’s day is this weekend and I will bring over the usual hanging basket. I know better than to make last year’s mistake and send flowers (I heard from my brother that she was pissed I didn’t sign the card with love).
My three girls know how much I love them. It’s the only way I know to make things right.
I’m glad to get this off my chest. You know how badly I felt about pretending with Dad when he died. It was clever of you to wait until he was on his deathbed to tell us the awful truth about him so that in the end all we had was you. That amounts to nothing, as far as I’m concerned.
Prudy
Comments (9)
It feels good to let it out doesn’t it
i think we’re both missing the same thing… a real mother! the people that hurt us the most in life are those whose blood we share. it’s hard to be grateful for someone who didn’t cherish or nurture you!!!!
This is so sad. My heart is hurting for the little child you were. I can’t imagine how you grew up to be such a grounded, loving person.
I have a wonderful mother who brought up two of us alone (after our father, a preacher, ran away with our 18-year-old babysitter). As I’ve gotten older, I have learned to appreciate how much my mom went through. I had lots of complaints as a child, but I never doubted that I was loved. Your story has given me an enriched sense of how fortunate I am and how much I cherish her. Thank you!
Much love to you,
~rita
My mother was the least nuturing person I’ve ever met and it sure has played numbers with my head and heart. I mourn like you do the loss of love that we should of received and wonder what type of relationships I might have made with men were that love I needed was actually given to me…
RYC::I believe like you do that he isn’t very healthy for you and is using you. nuff said..marilyn
Ahh, you still carried some hurts. I am sorry.
Ouch. And hugs. I’m so glad you could get to the point that your girls could know your love.
This is something I find so hard to understand as a mother. What I see, evidenced by your comment that your children know they are loved, is that you, though not unscarred, have managed to grow and bloom despite the lack of the loving nurturing you needed. I’ve known individuals who couldn’t manage that much.
Thanks for think of me well:) I am not exactly an angel. I can be mean and ruthless sometimes:)
I don’t think this sounds like hatred. It sounds cathartic. And your eldest’s thoughts about you are warming. I mean that because I am assuming she has a different view of your mother being a grandkid and all.
That you see the legacy so clearly of her rearing has allowed you to be so loving I suppose. Hard to say if you wouldn’t have been anyway though.
Sometimes you have this way of cutting to the necessity of a situation without lingering on your own feelings and needs. Like when you wouldn’t let a guy get close before you told him of the cancer and how you investigated the one (Rudy?) so carefully in almost a detached way. Perhaps that is a learned hand me down from her. You can deny yourself the way she denied you and you are strong enough to do what is right when so many people succumb to what feels good at the moment.
Ignore me. I am babbling now. Thank you for letting us read it.