March 19, 2007
-
I hardly know what to do with myself and I’m filled with self-loathing so there’s nothing I really want to do. Except eat and drink things I shouldn’t. I just got back from McDonald’s drive-through where I ordered a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge. It was only $1.40. I bet I could save $50 a week, just by eating junk food.
I don’t know what to do with all this extra time. I used to pour over my watch-list of stocks, planning the next buy, checking all the sectors to see what was hot and what was getting sold off. Then I’d go to my portfolio and run through each one, a sense of pride and greed settling over me like a warm blanket. It felt so good when I was winning and it feels SO BAD to lose. I feel like an idiot, not setting aside cash. How fucking stupid could I be.
Then there’s the man thing. I know how I said I’d be happy if I just could find a stock buddy. And it is nice to have someone to commiserate with but the guy’s in love with me. At first I thought it might be okay because he said he was willing to give it a chance, like he thought I’d come around. I told him I was in love with a married man and that’s why I wasn’t interested in anything more than friendship. More self-loathing because, once again, how fucking stupid can I get. Fortunately the married guy lives in another state, I only see him once a year, and he’s a little on the kinky side for me. Don’t get the wrong idea, I’ve never kissed him. We mostly talk about business or our kids now, safe topics. The first couple months I knew him though, wow. I would have moved there. I would have married him. But now I just love him. He’s not the one for me, thank God. I want him to be happy with his family and sometimes he is.
Anyway, about Sam. I’m starting to think he has Alzheimers. He’s only 65 so that seems a little young but there is something very wrong with his memory. He’s on a trip now and every day he calls and every day he says the same thing. Today I asked him if his daughter ever said anything to him about it and he said yes. So it looks like my new best friend will need more than friendship from me. And that’s fine but it’s very sad
Comments (13)
Junk food is dangerous. The temptation is its price and convenience, but it is the devil incarnate.
Hope you can fill your time to your satisfaction.
You can also do cheap with salads and veggies… I found a small Chinese grocer nearby and saved tons of money when I was barely working. Eggs there were $2./doz (for Toronto, a great price). European Meat Market at Kensington Market for protein. I hate to say it, but Wal-Mart for milk and cheese and cereals and stuff. And, hey, what about baking your own bread- mind you, I had a breadmaker (which is still in storage). Now that I’m working full time, it’s an upscale and expensive supermarket 5 minutes away that glistens and glows with luxury. There were times I was feeding my daughter, myself and dog on $40./week, and that included transit (I walked a lot). We were fine. You ferret out ways to eat well inexpensively. The thing with junk food is that it’s reflecting your emotional state, yes, but nutritionally it’ll take it’s toll if you’re on it too long. Energy, weight. But you know all this.
Men. Or, rather, relationships. I have no idea why we don’t fall in love with those who can fall in love with us in exactly the same way. Such reciprocity would make for a much more healthy emotional landscape for everyone. However, many of us are challenged in this area – especially since we get attention from men we’re not romantically inclined towards, and the ones who we do fall in love with tend to be attached in some way or other to something or other and aren’t really available. I’m not sure if we don’t fall for the latter because we value our independence while recognizing that we’re women too.
Sending you heaps of support and caring… remember to take care of yourself, Pru! You can get through this, I know you can, with flying colours. xo
i love junk food, but try to maintain a healthy diet at least 85% of the time. your self-loathing will pass, like bad gas. sometimes we need a good wallowing in it.
it’s a sad thing to hear about sam.
“… a sense of pride and greed settling over me like a warm blanket. It felt so good when I was winning and it feels SO BAD to lose.” wow…this line gave me a shiver. greed is a bitch and can seriously fuck you up. maybe it’s time to be sensible and and even out this thought process. huh, maybe that’s what you are doing now…maybe you are detoxing and are feeling bad over not having this junk in your system.
Sorry to hear that. I think I will lose my mind when I am 65 too. I already have some sign:)
I can commiserate with the self-loath when the stocks are losing, I seem to think if I don’t look then they will stay up, what a jerk I am. As for eating cheaply, it’s all relative and you know it, just cut the extravagant buys and stick to the basics.
I knew Sam would fall in love, he about tripped over himself right from the beginning. It’s sad that the Alzheimers is something he’s heading towards, even friendship can be unfulfilling when he forgets everything all the time. I really suggest you ask the Angels for help with him and ask them for the type of man you do want….as they say in “The Secret”, Put in your order, the universe will fill it. Remember to ask for exactly what you want.
We need to chat soon…………marilyn
Sad indeed.
Why doesn’t the stock thing interest or excite you anymore? Was it taking the place of something else to begin with and that’s why interest has faded?
I worry about Hot Rod Man developing Alzheimers, too. His mother had it, and he has a memory like a sieve. Sometimes it’s just because he didn’t hear what was said, but often he just forgot.
The occasional McDonald’s hot fudge sundae won’t kill you. When I need to rely on junk food I head for Taco Bell. They’ve reinstated the tostada, which seems both relatively healthy and cheap to me (although it would be better if they used romaine or leaf lettuce instead of iceberg).
Feeling for you…
It is kind of sad that he, stock buddy, can’t understand that it is not reciprocated.
The stock stuff did have me worried for you. But kick yourself if you want, but how were you to know? I mean you haven’t lived this life before. Now you have some authentic learning and different things will happen next time.
Now, married guy and the long distance. I am sighing heavily here. Where I am glad that you are getting something out of it that makes you happy, I wish more for you.
You are not an idiot. You are learning. Okay, I get it. I will stop calling myself an idiot now too.
I wish I had advice then, but that’s something very out of my league, financially, I’m clueless.
ryc: Thank you, more than you know. I think I needed that.
ryc: It wasn’t a lie when you wrote it. And it can be the truth when you want it to be. It’s just super hard. He’s high maintenance that one is. But even with other philosophy it can still be a daily struggle to reach for that peace so forgive yourself. I will if you will.
Re: chickens. Check out The City Chicken I’m very tempted…
it doesn’t sound like you are in a good place right now. i think you need to find that place inside you where you are balanced. being temporarily broke isn’t permanent. you will make it thru this and come out stronger!