March 27, 2005
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Growing up a Unitarian, my church experience short-lived as it left me cold, I embraced the Taoist teachings of my Chinese acupuncturist. Being a bellydancer I was all about the body so spiritual practice which began with the breath and connected with stars and the earth was right up my alley. My teacher, who as it turned out had also grown up in the Unitarian church ( he was adopted ), had learned, first-hand, that there was more up there than stars.
I was resistant and he waited. Somehow he got a book of Mother Theresa’s in my hands and, along with a bunch of other miracles, I came to know God. At first I used “Father Sky,” then I used “Spirit,” and I’m not exactly sure who it is that keeps me from hitting the car I don’t see when I’m backing up or gives me messages when I need them but I’m saying, “Thank you, God.”
Tomorrow, or maybe even tonight, I suspect there will be fallout. The subject of my ex having full custody has been raised, by him and now me, to my youngest. They have a lot of funny ideas about curfew and money and she doesn’t seem to want to drive over here at night on the weekends. Her Grandmother seems to have instigated this so I feel like I’ve been set up but all we can do as parents is what we think is fair and rational. Having to call that horrible lawyer again is terrifying me but I’ll do what I have to. I’m just glad I can pray about it, and writing about it calms me down, too. Thank you.
Comments (12)
There is a grave need for women to understand that we have a right to be individuals as much as men. We should never fear being what we wish to be, for how does one actually reach the ‘heights’ that are possible if one is constantly looking over one’s shoulder and checking to find whether what one does is acceptable?
Most women out there, seem to be put in a straitjacket which is tied up by society, our race, our religion and the culture that we embrace. What is even more frightening is the thought that there are older women like me who even today can never express who they are!
Your Children will be fine..they are waiting for you to react…and when you do …you use all the dignity that I know you posses.This is not your fight..as a mother you have done your work…let it be
if you can…I know there are other circumstances Pru…just choose your battles and do
not take up anothers…even your kids…
much love..dorothea
Happy Easter, Ydurp… I hope all goes well with the custody issue you are facing.
just how old is she? 16 or 17? right? you have been a vital part of her life all these years and even if he has full custody, it won’t make you any less her mother- that will never change. do what you think is best for her and ignore him and her grandmother. if you need to call the lawyer, go ahead…. but no legal document will ever make you less her mother! i promise you that!
this must be so heartwrenching for you- how old is your daughter? What does she want? Hope you can come to an amicable decision that is right for all involved- really sounds like no picnic. {{Ydurp}}
Since I think that being a ping pong ball is detrimental to the stability children need, I am in favour of a child staying more with one parent. Having one bedroom to sleep in, one kitchen to eat from, one house’s crazy rules to live by is usually enough in the maelstrom life is for a teenager. This I can understand. Yet everybody is torn apart by it. Each parent loves that child wholly. That child or children love each parent wholly. They feel so split, yet they don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Maybe they end up turning off family instead. So I don’t know what the answer is here. It’s definitely NOT that your daughter *prefers her Dad’s to you – it’s that she needs the stabiltiy of living in one place, living in two households with two completely different rhythms can be very difficult. My ex will always be mad at me for moving out here (he lives in Ontario, 3300 km away). But the kids get to totally BE in one place at a time. They’re there for 3 weeks at Christmas, 2 full months in the Summer. They’re here for the school year. No half weeks here or there, no weekends here or there. They live here full time and they live there full time. I don’t know if it’s a better solution to what they go through in split families, but it feels easier than the ping pong routine. DON’T give up joint custody. You don’t need to. It’s not about that. Perhaps something like we worked out here might work for you too – she stays at her Dad’s for the school year, and moves in with you for the Summer, bringing all her stuff with her. Then her life can revolve around her more fixed position. There are creative solutions to these dilemmas. Just DON’T get down on yourself – it’s not a question of preference or power plays, not at its basic level, but one of the child’s need for continuity and stability. Another alternative, maybe she lives at her Dad’s till Sept., and then with you for the entire school year next year. There are saner ways to negotiate the sharing of our children…
Hope this helps in some small way, I am concerned that you are feeling not so great today, and I want to assure you that it’s not you, yourself, but her needs, and that probably longer stays at each parent’s place might be a better solution.
*Hugs* And I LOVE what you’ve been writing about your reflection in comments in my mirror posts… could I request you expand them into a piece of writing here?
I love you, Pru. Thinking of you…
Brenda xo
After I posted this, I realized it may have sounded like I meant not seeing your daughter and that isn’t what I meant. Maybe just not staying with you until it can be for an extended period of time so that it’s not just staying with you for a night or whatever but living with you. I’d work out at least one dinner a week and a couple of coffee shop get togethers or walks with the dogs, as well as lots of phone calls. You are her mother. She needs to know you’re there for her. That’s really important. xo
ps I hope I’m not overstepping here… every situation is different. Hugs.
Sure, Brenda, I’ve got nothing else to do but fret and wait; maybe they will storm the house demanding to know what my next move is. Maybe they will boycott the house. The middle one is in S.F. and didn’t come home for the first Easter in her whole life. She’s going on a golf vacation at the end of the week with her boyfriend. They are college students, mind you, and are flying to San Diego so he can golf. Granted this was her birthday present to him and his Valentines Day present to her but it just seems crazy to me: trust fund kids.
Anyway, if I go look in the mirror right now….wait, let me go look. I forgot I left my makeup on when I went to bed last night so I look pretty good. And I have my new glasses on that are fashionable (the puppy ate the last pair). They are tortoiseshell and oblong. You can see my eyebrows that I color in now that my hair’s too dark. But my hair doesn’t look too bad either as it’s still kind of done from last night. My daughter gave me this new cut that’s layered enough on top that it doesn’t hang down around my face any more. It nicely frames it so that….Shit, I should just get my nephew over here so I can put a picture up. I love it how you send me these sites like I would know what to do with them. I do think you people who post pictures are crazy. Call me paranoid but I would only put it up in a protected post. Let’s see where was I? I’m having a good hair week so that’s a relief. My skin is olive and it’s oily enough that I don’t have wrinkles. Plus my mother who is 80 doesn’t have wrinkles so I think it’s genetic. My dad didn’t either. Hazel eyes that people say are ….I think what they mean is piercing but they say things like you have really noticeable eyes. I have a nice smile but I have only begun to whiten my teeth so I try to remember to keep my lips closed. I drink so much tea…green, black, red. Got off-track. I’ve started to wear earrings again so that’s good. I found these pearls set in silver that drop down…..I thought I heard them……no…..uh….I’m 16 pounds overweight according to weight watchers. It’s all in my hips and stomach so I can hide it. Plus, I’m 5’8 and I have skinny everything else. My posture isn’t great. I look like I know a joke. I look comfortable. I look classy but I think I look sad because the old guy sitting next to me the night I went out and had two Jack and Cokes, after my ex got done with me said, “Cheer up, you look so sad.”
I would love to see some pics of you! For me posting, it’s weird, but passing the 50 mark, it seems I can post anything I like and I’m not bothered by anyone. It wasn’t like that in my 40s, believe me! There’s a certain freedom now that I like. I mean, who’s gonna stalk a 53 year old woman? That’s what I figured anyway since I’ve had nooooo problems, and I’ve been posting real pics since starting out at Xanga last July.
And I love this mirror piece that you have hidden in your comments!
Why do we need to hide? It was very difficult for me to post perceptions of myself too, and an unflattering photo, that I needed to follow up with undusty, clearer ones.
On your daughter, you make the rules. If you decide that her moving in with you for an extended period of time is the way to “share” – and it’s a good way to combat the ‘ping pong’ structure of joint custody – then make it clear that this is what you intend. Giving too many choices often doesn’t work, nor does expressing hesitancy or insecurity. Of course she loves you! Look at the way you talk about her haircut.
I hope this works out! Whatever route you and your daughter and ex decide…
Hugs
You have had plenty of advice here and there is little for me to add. That whole part of divorce sucks, I know I have been there and custody issues seem to bring out the worst in all parties. Kids need to know three things, and I think it continues for years and year. One is that they didn’t cause the split, Two is that they can’t fix it or put it back together, and three they are loved and loved a lot, by all parents involved. Be well.
Religion is such a tough subject, especially since I have no idea where I stand. I was born and raised a Catholic but I don’t even come close to following the rites and practices of the Church. It all seems like BS to me. And I hope things work out with you kids.
I can only imagine the custody issue. I wish positive for you…and your daughter.
And it really is nice to see someone have firm faith, real belief in what they speak of. I admire that. The ability to have strong beliefs without preaching…that is so rare a gift nowadays.
Seems like everyone wrote religious posts yesterday.
Good luck with the whole custody thing. My dad threatens to request 50% custody when he’s mad.
He’d never get it, but still.