March 27, 2005
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Update:
The youngest (17) came — The oldest is sick and didn’t even go to Easter. She came in ready to negotiate and after 30 minutes we had almost reached someplace we could both live with. I said she could stay out as long as her friends but that I was going to call the mothers and take a poll about just what time that was. That was when she freaked and that’s when I became pretty sure something was funny. I was buying it at first that she didn’t want me calling the mother earlier in the evening like she was in middle school. I had to micromanage the first one and the second one sort of fell into the same structure, even though we didn’t have any problems with her. This last one has never done a thing wrong in her whole life. Well, last summer she had a party at the beach house, but she told us about it. She didn’t have a time out once as a little one and we never punished her, ever. She was the perfect kid. Still is so this is the first time she’s had less freedom than her friends.
She would rather be at her dad’s on the weekend because that’s when she does all her socializing and I’m 40 minutes away from her friends which is why they don’t want to come over here, either. She can’t or won’t stay here during the week because during rush hour it takes even longer and she doesn’t like to get up that early when her dad lives 5 minutes from the school. She wants to come over after school and stay for dinner and then sleep there. She called her dad, and he said they would talk about it but we are both clear that that’s what we want to do. I will have to pay him, though. But the good part is that I wont be waiting up all night, every weekend for her to figure out where she’ll be, feeling guilty that another mother is feeding her in the morning. I’ll get to see her more this way, if she does what she says she will. Her dad is not going to like this, though. Because he won’t be able to live at the beach on the weekends and it will impact his social life. Too bad. He thought he was threatening me with it; that I wouldn’t want to lose her but I thought about what Brenda said and it helped me let her go.
Comments (11)
*sighs*
oh, us teenagers are sooo much work, it’s kinda like we go back to being infants again:
we keep you up at night, we get cranky and cry all the time, and alot of times our parents aren’t sure what’s wrong w/ us: are we sick? do we need a diaper change? are we tired? ect.
lol.
I’m never home–partly becuase of play practise and golf and right now my life revolves mostly around my friends.
if you ever have a teenage-daughter-mother questions, don’t be afriad to ask. I may not be the best candidate, but I’d be more than happy to help with whatever.
~your fine fathered friend
I *knew* it had nothing to do with favoritism of either you or her Dad. It’s all about her friends, social life, proximity to school. By understanding this, and not making it into a custody issue or doing a guilt trip on her or any myriad of other things we could do in such a situation, surely you are enabling her to make her own needs clear. And she’s gotta love you even more for this, Pru. Your daughter would be crazy not to visit you and honour you as her mother even more than before! I do hope, of course, that isn’t so wrapped up in her *busy* life that she forgets your agreement. On the other hand, with your understanding and blessing of her needs and situation, you might find her coming over more often than you had expected, and that she finds grouchy Dad not so much fun to be around ever weekend. Here’s to hoping the way ahead is everything you hope with your youngest daughter… xo
nope, I know me and my friends’ parents never check with eachother about stuff like that. then again, I’m kinda like the “good girl” you described above–the girl who never needed to get punished, who always hates to get in trouble,ect. so, generally speaking my parents and I get along okay–cuz they know I don’t do some of the stupid things other kids my age do. BUT, i do have friends that do try to pull stupid stunts every now and then. my curfew is 1:00 on weekends becuase my dad usually always waits up for me and that’s usually when the bars close and the drunk-drivers come out any time after 1:00. But for my friends it’s usually anywere from 11:30-1:00. depending on how late you wanna stay up, any time between there is more than reasonable. hope this helped.
~me
It’s a twisty windy trail where you can’t see around the next bend to know whether you chose the right branch. I’m on the other side, with my girls wanting to be over here 98% of the time. It doesn’t feel totally right to me, even while the other didn’t seem totally right to me either. I think the answer is there is no totally right answer/situation/arrangement. It’s all a bit odd. So we make the decisions that feel right, that feel like the best choice for those we love.
Life can get so complicated. But at least you have you kids close enough for you to have these issues. I wish I did.
it sounds like you’ve found the right thing to me and i like the reasoning that’s accompanying things. my own relationships with my sons are not great, partly because i was so ill for so long at a time when they didn’t need a sick mother. so, i am especially happy when i see things working out for other parents and children, as i think is now happening here. hugs, lily
i think you figured out a good compromise! parenting late teens and adult children is so totally different from other parenting stages and it’s like you never figured out a thing about child rearing! it’s a dance of holding close and letting go and knowing when to do which….
I hope whatever is good for your daughter and you happens.
What writer_within just said.
I am so glad that something is resolved…or almost settled…
Kids…they only know of what they want…then life hits them in the face…
Big changes – and sometimes the holidays seem to flush those out into the open. I hope you’ll all be much more content with the new arrangements.