February 12, 2005
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There’s not much more to tell about Anthony. Once a month I would go to the beach and stay in a motel near his house. That’s how I found out about the campground and the Siletz. It got so that I was leaving earlier and earlier on Sunday and getting there later and later on Friday, as I investigated that part of the coast. He’d cook me stuff he thought I should be eating. We were both really into nutrition for the same reasons. I had started smoking pot, with my doctor’s permission. Neither of us had smoked for years. He also went to the University of Oregon and had been a hippy. He loved classical music, too and we’d get high and listen to music and rent movies and go for walks on the beach. I am more comfortable with Anthony than a lot of people. That’s partially from talking on the phone so much, so intimately.
But he wouldn’t sleep with me until I was done with chemo. And by then I didn’t want to. He thought I was in a fragile place, emotionally scattered or something. The reason I wouldn’t sleep with him was because I knew I wouldn’t trust him and when you’re in a long-distance relationship or any relationship, really, that’s too big of an issue. And I was right. Even now when he’s been with this woman almost two years, he’s still keeping a few other women as possible backup. She wants to marry him, so she won’t move down there until he does. I don’t blame her. But if she really wants him she should because he would marry her eventually.
The other problem is he’s one of those guys who likes nasty women, as long as during the day they appear – how does that old saying go? He was raised in a very Catholic Italian family and he left home at a really young age. He ran away and joined the coast guard. So he learned all about women from the ports he was shipped to. Even though he loved the sex he loathed the women. Actually I don’t know if loathed is right. He can be so demeaning when he talks about women he doesn’t approve of. On the other hand he defends poverty-stricken women a lot and I hear him on the phone with clients. He also does some work on an Indian reservation. That’s one of the things I love about him, he takes care of people who don’t have the means.
So, anyway, we came back here after the walk and I showed him around. He had lots of ideas about what I should do with the place. Then he wanted me to show him how to do something on the computer and then he left. So maybe that’s why he came. Who knows. He called me a couple times on the way home. He always does that. He gets to feeling close again and wants to talk on the phone for a couple days. I discourage that because why go there?
He can’t understand why I am not looking for a man like I used to. He used to call me all the time to hear about my latest. He liked W. The four of us went to a Christmas party at Melissa’s, back when we were still speaking.
I stood out in the sunshine, by his truck, and said, “Have you ever seen me happier?” Who needs a man? It is so nice not to need another person to be happy.”
He said, “Well, I don’t know about happy. You seem more leveled out.”
I told him it was the writing.
Comments (8)
see this is what I mean…not so much the story but how you
write it…how you keep us wanting more…I *smile*
for I am sure this is most private and most heartfelt and I am
so greedy for your words…
this brings me to your comment of yesterday…I have actually
lost all concept of time…I shall say my last post…
I felt the same with your words…that I knew what you were going to
write…I just needed affirmation…that life is so good when we don’t need
another…sure it is…this is when the best of life happens to us …I think
I think sometimes in the universe we come into contace with our …I shall call it
magnet…in life…does not have to be in the same hemisphere…but to share space with some
one that your thoughts are so aligned….whoa i think it is most special
I *smile*
have a very sweet day Pru
I do understand that you have to distance yourself from this friendship to a certain extent, but he does sound like a pretty wonderful friend all the same. The connection is nice; the way he cares about you, your journey, is especially nice; something comforting here, and I feel it in your words about him, your unexpected re-connection, your memories of a time when you were closer friends… Did he abandon you when you needed him most, is that what it is?
The Cherry trees…only around Sussex and Imperial have they been blooming all week. None of the Cherry trees on my street, or anywhere else I’ve gone have opened their fat little buds yet. Don’t know what it is about that stretch of road, but at least a dozen pruned trees are blooming away, the first flush of pink…
Hope you get that job! It may be quite perfect for the time being – is it part-time too? My job is fine, only it takes an hour to get there and an hour to get home, making my 5 hour work day 7 hours, too long… It is incredibly nice to get a paycheck, though, if small, deposited into my account each Friday, just in time for grocery shopping…
Hugz & blessings, Brenda
ryc:
is this upper world thingy something i should be aware of?
Geez, writing can do a lot for a person’s psyche. I’m so glad that you are able to maintain a relationship with Anthony, especially since you share an experience–albeit at different degrees–that binds you together. I wish my mother had had people like that around her during her chemo and especially her final days. I was with her, but I felt that I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t provide the comfort she truly needed… Anyway, RYC: Damn! you got me thinking again. I know that the Monk’s wiriting is academic, but now I’m wondering if I should write in my Xanga style. I mean, accessibility is very important in research, and if no one can read what you write, what’s the use? The problem is that I can’t tell the difference between the two!!!!! I read both and they sound the same, The only explanation I can think of is that I have a specific audience in mind when writing on Xanga and… hmm… NO audience when i’m writing a paper… Crap, now I have something to preoccupy mi mind all weekend. Thanks… I think…
So love to read you-your writing is so comfortable!
He sounds like quite a paradox. That attitude about women would bother me too, not in a friend so much but in a lover for sure.
RYC – so what were you presuming? That was a rather enigmatic remark…
RYC – no worries about feet. No, I’m still not happy with the first chapter and the re-write feels good but a bit time consuming (hence the procrastination) but yes, it’s all related. I think I need to give myself permission to fail at this, in order to continue. Getting caught up in wanting perfection doesn’t make it happen and is very paralyzing.
You sound at peace with the relationship, while I sense that in the past there was some disappointment on both sides. You perhaps were ready for something he wasn’t and then when he was, you weren’t. And now, maybe you’re both in the same place, not wanting anything more than what is. Yet, it’s awkward still I bet. I had a relationship with someone for several years. Although we ended up breakint it off, we did/do have something special. Now he’s married. He’s quite comfortable still being friends but it feels weird.