I’m feeling like a loser today.  I hate when that happens.  I just remembered, though, how healthy people seem boring to me, so that made me feel better.  It all started when I got a little introspective.  That’s when it occurred to me that I might be a little fucked-up.  I certainly attract people who have issues.  On the other hand those same people are much more talented and fascinating than your average guy and gal.  I guess if people cross my path there’s a reason, and as long as I try to do right by them I’ll be okay. 

Dinner was excellent, except for the food.  I made pot roast but because I know better than to cook it in foil now I wasn’t sure what to do with it.  I made the mistake of cooking it in the crock pot.  My other blunder was to keep the mashed potatoes warming in the oven while I went to Spanish.  They were covered and in the oven on 250 for three hours which made them too hot to eat until the dinner was almost over.  Plus the skins turned them a funny shade of tan.  I used white potatoes and left the skins on.  Oh, and the saddest part was the cheese bread.  I always heat it in the oven but the three hours wrecked the consistency.  It was wrapped in foil and that prolonged heat made the cheese and yeast tough and doughy.  I even managed to overcook the stringed beans. 

It was because he brought over all this booze.  There was a fancy bottle of Woodford Reserve for me and some kind of tequila for him.  And for dinner he brought a nice bottle of red wine.  This was all in a gym bag he showed up at the door with.  I asked if he were planning on spending the night.  He explained he’d brought his computer and Ipod so he could hook them up to my stereo. 

The reason I botched the dinner was because we were drinking and talking.  I was distracted.  My taste buds were off.  And I tried to do things ahead.  I don’t think he knew how bad it was or at least how much better it should have been.  I make killer mashed potatoes, and those beans should have been perfect.  I’ll cook the pot roast in the oven next time.

Anyway, we had a great time talking at dinner.  I told him about the cancer.  All he asked was ”how long ago?”  I thought that was odd.  But later in the conversation when I was talking about my last boyfriend and how he’d changed, once he thought he had me, the Canadian said, “Well, that’s just false advertising.”  In fact he said it twice last night.  Hmmm.  Remember, he is best friends with my brother’s best friend so he may know every little detail.  But at this point it’s still none of his business.

Here’s why last night was so fun.  I taught him how to do the swing and he was adorable.  He’s pretty good, too.  After that we listened to all his music which was so ecclectic.  Lots and lots of his favorites are mine, too.  We took the pillows off the back of the couch so there’d be room for us to stretch out end-to-end.  We took our shoes off, and I wrapped up in a blanket.  The lights were off and we closed our eyes, listening and talking.  He’s so comfortable to be around. 

I’m supposed to be shopping for food.  Don’t worry this isn’t about food.  I’m having the Canadian for dinner tomorrow night and I’d planned on doing the shopping tonight but I made the mistake of checking someone’s blog and got sucked in, and now here I am wanting to write something. 

I’m feeling enthused about singing after an encouraging lesson today.  It still makes me uncomfortable when she praises me.  It’s just such a foreign feeling.  I’m used to teachers who are perfectionistic, like me, always wanting it better, pushing for more.  But I can hear and feel when I get my mouth and throat in the right position and I can hit way higher notes when I use my abs to roll the air up.  Now she’s teaching me these exercises to strengthen the muscles that are above the abs.  There was a bellydance move called the flutter that I could never get and these staccato scales are goin’ after those same muscles. 

When I sang the fancy Italian love song — This time she let me use the words instead of just the vowels — I felt so beautiful and loving.  She said something about how these songs will change me.  What I do know is that my right ear started to unplug after the lesson.  I am learning how to get the air up into my sinuses, and it’s doing good things.  And my lungs, have I mentioned how hard it is to get enough air to last through each phrase?  Fortunately, because I play a wind instrument, I’m used to taking big gasps of air and letting it out slowly.  But that’s so good for your lungs, and part of the reason you feel euphoric after a voice lesson.

She switched the meditation class to Wed nights so now I can go.  I’m a little leery but several of the people in the choir go and they’re cool so we shall see. 

You know how, after you’ve been sick and taken a week off from your life, Monday morning comes and you jump back into your routine, but it’s just not as good as you remember?  I play music with this quintet every Monday morning, and it’s one of my favorite things to do.  I’ve talked before about how the hostess serves us this wonderful tea and we sit in her conservatory, which by now looks out over matching pink azaleas and rhododendrons.  The art work and knickknacks make it such a comfortable place to be, and she hand picks music so that we rarely play the same thing more than four or five times a year. 

It’s a beautiful drive through her neighborhood and I enjoy checking on my favorite houses because they have the best spring gardens.  My enthusiasm mounted as I pulled up behind the married couple and I saw my buddy ride in on her bike.  Everyone was glad I was back.  But, once tea was served and we began playing, my mind started to wander.  The music wasn’t so good and our weak link was weaker than usual.  Somehow it wasn’t as fun as I remember it being.  I know I must sound like a spoiled brat here, and I am grateful to be part of the group, but maybe I need to think about playing elsewhere, too.

Last night was kind of the same thing.  I waited all day for the jam at the blues bar.  I tried on what I was wearing and it looked good.  I have to be in pretty good shape to wear the pants so I thought I’d better check.  I’m at the right weight for them after a week of not eating much.  I found the exact match for a lace top I saw on a mannequin.  The sleeveless shell goes under the lace so that it looks like an overlay.  The color is unusually good for me.  It’s a subtle, smoky…not eggplant, not purple — There’s grey in it and lavender.  Over that I wear a silk, three-quarter sleeved, button-down blouse.  I’ll call it dusty rose, only it’s a gradation of color away from what’s under it.  I have the perfect, old-fashioned locket with matching drop pearl earrings which have the right hue for hardware.  Even the lipstick matched.  I know it’s weird for me to go into detail about clothes but I’m in the mood.  I want to go shopping but I don’t dare spend the money. 

I was excited to see the Canadian because we’d had a good conversation earlier in the day, and I couldn’t wait to dance with him.  Also, I was very much in the mood to drink.  The drinking part was good but the dancing was lame, as a new drummer sat in and he sucked.  I danced anyway but it’s hard to get your groove on when the music is substandard.  The lead guitar was home sick and the guy who subbed plays a style of blues I don’t care for.  Plus, all these punk kids were there for some reason.  It’s okay, last week we had so much fun there that one off night almost doesn’t count.

We went out for dessert after and the Canadian said a couple things that really opened my eyes.  He and I are very different, in terms of values around money, for one thing.  And I am increasingly leery about ever getting involved with his wife and kids.  Whoever does end up loving him will need to be part of that family dynamic as he is gone much of the time and his oldest, who is 16, is deaf  The divorce has been hardest on him, or at least he is acting out the most.  His dad tells me everything, and I am increasingly glad that we are not a good match.  I feel relieved and disappointed all at the same time.

Nothing in my life feels right, lately.  I’m not quite sure why I plug away at Spanish.  The voice lessons, while I feel like it is time well spent, are nothing I seem to want to be practicing.  The market is making me tired.  It’s too hard and too scary for someone like me.  I feel like I need to wait until I am sure we’ve bottomed.  I should be planting a garden but that idea doesn’t appeal to me. 

Cooking is the only thing I’m interested in now.  Over the weekend I made a turkey, mushroom, sage thing with rice.  Then I made chicken sausage with carrots and celery and tomato over angel hair pasta.  Both of those dishes were loaded with vegies, sweet from a slow saute in olive oil.  Then I made a big batch of baked beans.  And, finally, lamb stew.  Oh, and I made my favorite blue cheese dressing.  I have food for the week now.  I think maybe I need to work on gratitude for all my blessings.

I’m over being vigilant about what I eat.  I think the first day I skipped logging I ended up stopping for a piece of pizza at a new joint, and then splitting fries with the Canadian late at night.  Add three Cokes, two with Jack, and you get some idea of the direction things were headed. 

I’m being more moderate now.  Like I’m drinking coffee again.  With milk in it, even.  I try to stay away from dairy.  But mmm, it’s good.  I’m drinking out of a coffee cup that isn’t mine.  It was from his work.  He worked for the city and I think he would love to have the cup back.  I just got done talking with him is why I bring it up.  He emailed me yesterday, out of the blue, after four years.  I dumped him suddenly and this was the first time we’ve had any contact since.  He’s smart and funny and kind and a great conversationalist so it was good to talk to him again.  Wish I knew why he contacted me after all this time.

So I guess I’m skipping church.  We don’t sing today so I don’t have to go.  I wanted to go but I’d rather write than get ready.  And this coffee tastes sooo good. 

I want to tell you about my new favorite blogger, Slag_Runner.  You’ve got to check out his post about the rabbits.  It’s hilarious and he’s SUCH a good writer.  I like him because he calls me Wyatt.  And I like the way he thinks. 

Maybe I should go to church.  I still have time if I don’t make a production out of the hair. 

I felt even better today, even though I still have fluid stuck in my right ear, which continues to make me slightly dizzy and nauseous.  The oldest came over with her puppy and our dogs played and played.  Then we went to lunch for Mexican where I had a really good margarita, lots of chips and salsa, and half my beans and rice and enchilada.  I’ll eat the rest tomorrow.  We came back to watch the dogs play some more and then she wanted another margarita so we went to my blues bar, which looks weird in the middle of the day. 

I came home and took a bit of a nap and instead of eating dinner before choir I went out for strawberry rhubarb pie and coffee.  That’s the first coffee I’ve had since I got sick.  I had a cup of hot water, the first water I’d had all day, and now I’ll make some tea.  Not too great on the fluids today but I had my good black tea this morning, twice, and a smoothie.  Oh, and a piece of toast.  Not so healthy today but much more fun.  I forgot, when I got back from choir I had one chicken thigh and some baby carrots. 

We sang The Rose tonight and I got to sing with the tenors.  We had a new tenor.  She was dressed up like a woman but I think he’s in the middle of a sex change.  She is a good singer and was confident. 

The Canadian is not calling or emailing and admitted that he is not over his wife.  She was nice to him on his birthday and they are having an easier time communicating so I am pleased for them.  He is gone this week, too, working in California.  He tried to tell me his schedule last week but it was too much travel to keep straight.  I did that for 20 years and have no interest in doing it again. 

I do miss him, though.  His shrink told him he had to wait to begin a new relationship until he had put his marriage to rest.  And we were just being friends but I suspect he was advised not to call.  We will probably have a better chance at friendship now.  Plus, I can flirt again without him trying to kiss me.  I’m so bad.

You’re probably getting tired of reading about food but I don’t care because this is really helping me to eat more balanced and remember to drink my fluids.

Breakfast was tea and toast sans the peanut butter.  That was at 5:00.  Then around 8 I had steak hash.  It’s something I always make when I’m camping.  Everything is diced the same.  I saute mushrooms, sweet onion, and red pepper (I wait until the onion is soft before adding the peppers) along with cooked potato.  I add the steak, garlic, and parsley at the last minute.  I ate half of it.

Lunch was tuna salad.  I put celery and pickles and curry with lots of mayo in it and I use good tuna in oil. 

Snack was a piece of toast with the rest of the tuna spread.

Dinner (late) was celery root and BBQ chicken thighs.  I had two. 

My body is calling out for sugar.

Oh, and I didn’t want to mention it but when I was waiting for the chicken to cook I snitched a little avacodo and some pepperoncinis.  I know, I eat a lot.

2 water/ 6 tea

Not that you care but I just ate a spinach and beet salad from the Market of Choice, probably the cheapest of the fancy grocery stores in these parts.  They have  a good salad bar setup and I piled on the sunflower seeds and red beans and olives and even little chinese crunchies.  When I got home I drizzled Russian dressing on it.  I’ve had two water bottles, three cups of green tea, and two black.  Oh, and breakfast was two eggs, scrambled and a banana.  Not at the same time, that would be sick.

That was yesterday.  My energy level is still low but I have my appetite back.  I have been home eating all day.  Let’s see if I can remember it all.  Breakfast was at 5:00.  I have this sourdough bread I like for toast and I put peanut butter on it instead of butter.  An hour later I made a smoothie:  1 banana, 3 handfulls of frozen blueberries, juice from 1/2 lemon, 2 T ground flax seed, enough whole yogurt (plain) to make it milkshake consistency,  maple syrup to taste. 

I’ve been getting up at 4:00 am to see what the futures market is doing and to hear earnings reports dissected by the experts.  I stay up long enough to see how the market opens, then back to bed for a couple more hours sleep.  When I got up I put a baked potato in the oven and boiled celery root.  Lunch was sliced celery root and half of a baked potato.  An odd lunch, even for me.

I turned the market back on and tracked the ticker but soon fell asleep.  When I woke up I wanted an apple.  I keep those juicy, big organic red apples on hand.  Then I checked all my stocks and bought some more Eli Lilly on the dip.  They were down because they missed on some of their numbers but I like the big dividend and I believe it’s going higher.

I took another little cat nap around 4pm.  I watch a political/financial show that always puts me to sleep and when I woke an hour later I ate the last of the Thai, which was a small bowl.  Eat and sleep, what else are you gonna do in all this cold rain?  Problem is I’m still hungry.  I need protein.

PS  I drank two water bottles, four different kinds of green tea, and two black.

Edited to add before I forget:

So dinner was leftover Thai food with glass noodles and some shrimp in it.  And a glass of V8 juice.  For snacks I had one banana and one little pack of applesauce.  For lunch I had salad shrimp in cocktail sauce over lettuce.  Probably too much shrimp today.  Oh, and scads of lemon, ginger tea.  And two,16 oz water bottles.

It feels like I’ve been gone longer than a week.  I’ve had the flu which has developed into a cold so to wake up this fine morning with no stock market to think about and the whole day ahead of me, feeling sooo much better, I am deleriously happy.

What kept me going were the morning and evening calls from the Canadian, my lifeline.  He was vacationing in Puerto Rico, a trip for two, planned well in advance.  It was a little hard for him to be alone and he knew I was stuck at home, too sick to get out of my chair.  It was probably dumb to get more emotionally involved but he’s home today with his boys, it’s his birthday and things should get back to normal.

So, having eaten next to nothing for a week, I am trying to start out slow with small portions of easy to digest food.  This morning I made oatmeal – actually, it feels a little heavy — with rice milk.  The way I do it is a German thing my sister taught me.  I use half milk and half water to cook the oats.  And rather than my usual brown sugar and butter on top with whole milk poured over the whole thing,  I add nothing but salt.  I only used 1/2 cup of oats to 1 and 1/2 C liquid, and I let it sit for a long time, first on low, then on no heat.  And I don’t use the quick-cooking oats. 

I’ve made the switch to tea again, my Chinese morning tea called Toucha — I’m too lazy to get up and check the spelling — which is black but very smooth.  And I took my calcium and fish oil.  And I drank one glass of water.  Sorry to go on and on but I’m thinking about using this to log my progress towards my usual spring diet. 

It’s not so much a diet as a shift in focus.  This time of year I get really excited about the upcoming produce and the idea of wearing all my summer clothes.  I am already feeling more beautiful just because I drank my water.  Have you noticed how much better the skin on your neck looks when you are well hydrated?

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about.  Some movie star — I watched a lot of TV – said something like this:  You attract no more and no less than you think you deserve.  I’ve never looked at it that way, kind of put off by the word deserve.  But I’ve been looking at that wrong.

What would you think if you got 50 hits in one day and it wasn’t even 6:00 pm?  “From Pennsylvania”:  that’s all it says on the Footprints.  I know this is maybe the third time I’ve been curious about who reads me.  Otherwise I just feel like I’m writing to you guys, who COMMENT.  Yeah, I think if I’d made that many visits to someone’s site I’d say hello.