June 29, 2008
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Yep, the Canadian’s gone, too. And I’m not sure why. My middle daughter, the expert on men, she thinks I drove him away. He seemed to be hung up about commitment. God knows I’m ready for that but not with him. Not now. He’s not even divorced yet.
My thinking is — Tell me if you see fallacy here — if I were to start sleeping with him now and say in four months when maybe his divorce is final and he’s in a position to date, he could be in the market for someone 20 years younger than I, given that he’s 46.
The real hitch for me is his family. It’s gonna be a mess and the ex is no one I want to get involved with.
I told him I thought he should date some. I want him to see how horrible it is. I imagine, being married all this time, he has fantasies about all the different women he could try out. You never know, he could get lucky, but I’m thinkin’ he’ll be back. When I started to explain this he quickly said “you think I’ll come back around.” And I said, “yes.”
I went to listen to a group tonight, at our bar. I emailed him about it, rather than returning his call this morning. He’d sounded polite. And busy. He gets the boys tomorrow night so if he were going to see me it would have been tonight. I waited with a new dress and hairdo but he didn’t surprise me like I thought he would. And when I got home he hadn’t left me a message like he always does when he can’t be there.
While he was packing and driving to the airport I wrote him two explicit emails about how I see things. But when he called that night I was too embarrassed to talk about it. So I never found out what he really thinks. I know what he wants to do, though. He said he agreed with me that, for now, it’s best to be friends.
I wrote that last night and this morning I went back and read our emails. It all reads very logically but, damn, it hurts. This was the daily guru message: “When man separated his awareness from BEING he became a free radical, so to speak. All free radicals are desperately seeking to bond, even though the bonding is of a negative nature. For example, one who takes drugs is bonding with that drug even though that drug may lead to harm.”
The last sentence turned me off, and, unlike most of the famous quotes, this is just off some Ebook but the sentiment applies. I feel like I’ve been cut off from some major sustenance. When he traveled we would talk twice a day. I would see him twice a week and in between all that there were emails. He has become demonstrative and was pushing for more so we started kissing.
What’s interesting to me though, and I walked around the farmer’s market this morning, not able to pinpoint it, – You know when something’s trying to surface — is that I think what I’m learning is that this ache isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It hurts but not like a burn. I think when your heart gets involved to this degree it can never be a bad thing.
From the very beginning, and it was eerie how much he reminded me of the married man, I felt like it was okay to get involved. Even if it was just to help get him through the worst. God knows, I appreciated Anthony when I was in the middle of my divorce. And I’ve tried to behave like Anthony did with me.
After that reading I heard at the guru’s about opening your heart, I told him I was putting ego and control aside and that if he needed it and I could give it to him, it was his. And it felt good to be so loving, so giving. But that’s when he brought up commitment and how he wasn’t comfortable with casual sex because he didn’t like to hurt people. I heard casual and hurt and figured anything beyond friendship would be short-lived.
I am hoping you will give me some honest feedback. Like do I need therapy? Am I seeing this wrong? It kind of feels like this was someone God planted in my path, I’m just not sure what the lesson is.
Comments (9)
Well, I think you’ve handled this much better than I could have. I don’t think you need therapy, but then I wasn’t there for every nuance (though you are so expressive, it seems I can sense it all). I think you’re right that he will be back, but I don’t think you should sit around waiting for that.
That’s my opinion, but I’m sure you understand that you know better than I do. Just know that I am sending you good strong vibes, and I hope you can feel peaceful about this episode in your life – no matter how it turns out.
Hi Wyatt…
Do you REALLY believe that life with the Canadian will make your life larger? If you can not conscioiusly answer that question, perhaps your instincts are telling you to slow down because they recognize what your thinking mind has not come to yet. At the risk of offering an opinion that permits you to judge my judgement, I have to say involvement with a married woman is nothing but trouble. She is not free to give her heart. She needs much more than she can possibly give. The implied promise that she will join me “as soon as this mess is cleared up” has no collateral. I have been tempted in this direction before but aside from a platonic friendship have kept my distance.
Perhaps my feelings and advice would be different if I was in a marriage that was on its last legs, but I can’t understand why a single person would become entangled with a woman who is married to someone else. And it has nothing to do with morality or sacred vows crap. I am just speaking about practicality.
I recognize I can only speak from a single male’s perspective. Perhaps your articulate, thoughtful female readers will offer a shared feminine view point that makes me a contrarian. I would appreciate their learned advice on this.
Live and be well Ms. Earp
Postscript (If it has anything to do with prostate cancer, buy it. With the aging of America’s male population, prostate cancer treatment and after care will be huge. Any publicly traded company that has a better mousetrap related to prostate cancer is going to grow.) (No charge, but don’t please hold me responsible either…lol)
I do not think you need therapy. You are a normal human being who wants love and commitment. Most people want that. Some people reveal the need some don’t maybe because they are shy or do not know how. As you said, maybe he does not want to make another commitment too soon.
Is there a mouse in the house or ami i seeing shadow people
Is your body plagued by aches and pains that you can’t understand
Compound fractures ingrown toenails, floating kidneys, trembling hands,
There’s a secret to your trouble: you’re in love with your old man
As the id goes marching on.
Glory glory psychotherapy, glory glory sexuality,
Glory glory now we can be free as the id goes marching on
Freud’s mystic world of meaning needn’t have us mystified
It’s really very simple what the psyche tries to hide:
A thing is a phallic symbol if it’s longer than it’s wide
As the id goes marching on.
There goes all the therapy you need
I’m at work, so no time to catch up with you this morning, but HAD to tell you that your comment was EXACTLY spot on, and something I definitely needed to hear this morning. As I drove in to work I was thinking, why do I hold back so much with people, not telling them what I really think, or how I really feel? Especially with LLGS, why do I say almost nothing at all? Unconditional love doesn’t mean I have to keep all my thoughts to myself. I was thinking that most kids DO hear things they don’t want to hear from their parents, grandparents, things they reject but later remember and maybe even think about. I’m going to try. Try to at least express myself, how I feel, what I’m thinking when he starts talking what I hear as nonsense. When he disappoints, when he irritates, try to express myself without condemnation. And to express myself when he does something I appreciate too, as well. Thanks for your honesty. Something I’ve come to depend on from those select few that care enough to say what they’re thinking. Hmmmm….care enough to say what they’re thinking? Common theme there.
After just coming out of the most difficult, painful relationship I’ve ever been in, oh it ‘ended’ a year ago but stuff still kept happening and there were tons of unresolved issues that needed addressing but weren’t, we decided to simply cut it, I hardly feel in any position to offer any insights, Pru.
Whatever opens one’s heart, in bliss or pain. Whatever enables us to feel what we’re feeling fully. Surely this is more important than not being involved and drifting through life like a shadow of the woman you could be.
Of course you and he are doing the right thing… for now… he definitely needs to explore his freedom after his divorce as well as the normal sorrow and anger after a marriage ends. If he flies off into the arms of other women, you’d just get hurt. So I agree with that. And I agree that remaining openly and lovingly is being best to yourself and him. He may return; you may want him if he does, you may not. You may meet someone else. Life isn’t definable and that’s beautiful.
This is one of those excruciating moments between where the chasm opens somewhat and we feel the searing in our hearts.
What’s wrong with that?
Nothing. Hold your ground. Keep loving. Being the full and beautiful woman you are.
xo
I really have no advice…just my observation from out here in Blogville. Although I am a firm believe in therapy…you are the only one that can say weather you need it or not…or was that joke? I know there are times when I need good counsel…and I do get it from three friends of mine…who have known me for years…who have seen me move in and out of relationships with men. It is simply a dance that I am slowly learning to master…the more that I dance my authentic dance, the more I dance my truth wherever I am at…the easier the dance of intimacy becomes. I personally believe that you know what you want and you draw men (master teachers) into your life until you have learnt and exchanged what you needed to. You seem to me to be a very wise woman who is unfolding naturally on your terms. I applaud your courage to keep signing up for the tough courses. ~lol~ I too seem to be signing up for those courses and planning for my Master’s degree in sacred- relationship.
Love and hugs to you my friend, Ashes
You have the practical down IMO. He’s not divorced yet. And really, all the other stuff can stop with that one point. No need to dig in it… But I am one of those females so I’m gonna!
Okay, first you have balls and you are right I think. He will be back. You didn’t burn a bridge and when he does figure out what it’s like, he’ll call you. Who knows where you’ll be then, but you’ll hear from him. Even if he does find a younger female, he’s gonna want to talk to a grown up who gets stuff and knows what a good time is for him. A 20 year younger or whatever is just not going to get it and that will be tiresome.
But do you want him back?
One thing I don’t get is why his feelings about casual sex and hurting people made you know it wouldn’t last. There is something I am not understanding about that. If it wasn’t genuine I could see your point, but if he was sincere, he may just be voicing things. Beginning to define himself anew. Which I agree with you, he needs to do before he can actually live up to that statement. And who knows, when he does get his definition mostly set, you might see him differently.
He’s not gone. He’s figuring I think.
“if I were to start sleeping with him now”…dancing, snuggling on the couch, dinners, kisses…with a man ten years younger…a cyclist, compact with a small ass and hair…in pain, going through a divorce with a wife he’s still a bit hung up over…he’s got two boys…it’s not a good bet…this guy’ll need a couple years to sort it out…at this point, you grab what happiness you can get, it’s not gonna last, it’s a short term thing, the guy needs to get laid, he’s canadian, and if that’s not what you’re after…