Now that I have a stereo set up in my main room, and I can look out into the forest, I hear music from my past with a perspective that old growth provides.  It’s why I like the ocean, too.  I was at a stoplight and to my right I saw Music Millenium.  I immediately made a right, parked, and went in to buy the Loreena McKennitt CD that I used to listen to. 

I used to listen to it a lot, as I chose one of her songs to perform to, but it was in my car that day in 2001 when all my favorite CDs were stolen.  I was learning a form of Qigong that lent itself to the long intro, and the mystical sound of her song made veil a must.  Holding onto a veil and zills at the same time is tricky — My teacher was a stickler for keeping them on — so for at least three months I practiced to this CD every day.  That’s how long it would typically take to get a costume together, make up the choreography, and get the techniques down and memorized. 

I got home and put the CD in, trying to remember the song that had moved me so.  It brought back that period of time I was getting ready to leave my husband and my heart felt weary from the old pain.  It’s amazing how much strength and passion good music can manifest. 

But standing like an old tree, listening with a new distance, I felt foolish.  My heart ached for someone I never should have wanted.  He was only there to teach me, to show me who I was.  I feel sure I showed him who he could be. 

I think my greatest gift is that I have the capacity to appreciate beauty.  These trees, these songs, these men; love should be kept on a higher plane than I’ve been toying with, and this morning I am realigning my thinking.

I’m feeling like a loser today.  I hate when that happens.  I just remembered, though, how healthy people seem boring to me, so that made me feel better.  It all started when I got a little introspective.  That’s when it occurred to me that I might be a little fucked-up.  I certainly attract people who have issues.  On the other hand those same people are much more talented and fascinating than your average guy and gal.  I guess if people cross my path there’s a reason, and as long as I try to do right by them I’ll be okay. 

Dinner was excellent, except for the food.  I made pot roast but because I know better than to cook it in foil now I wasn’t sure what to do with it.  I made the mistake of cooking it in the crock pot.  My other blunder was to keep the mashed potatoes warming in the oven while I went to Spanish.  They were covered and in the oven on 250 for three hours which made them too hot to eat until the dinner was almost over.  Plus the skins turned them a funny shade of tan.  I used white potatoes and left the skins on.  Oh, and the saddest part was the cheese bread.  I always heat it in the oven but the three hours wrecked the consistency.  It was wrapped in foil and that prolonged heat made the cheese and yeast tough and doughy.  I even managed to overcook the stringed beans. 

It was because he brought over all this booze.  There was a fancy bottle of Woodford Reserve for me and some kind of tequila for him.  And for dinner he brought a nice bottle of red wine.  This was all in a gym bag he showed up at the door with.  I asked if he were planning on spending the night.  He explained he’d brought his computer and Ipod so he could hook them up to my stereo. 

The reason I botched the dinner was because we were drinking and talking.  I was distracted.  My taste buds were off.  And I tried to do things ahead.  I don’t think he knew how bad it was or at least how much better it should have been.  I make killer mashed potatoes, and those beans should have been perfect.  I’ll cook the pot roast in the oven next time.

Anyway, we had a great time talking at dinner.  I told him about the cancer.  All he asked was ”how long ago?”  I thought that was odd.  But later in the conversation when I was talking about my last boyfriend and how he’d changed, once he thought he had me, the Canadian said, “Well, that’s just false advertising.”  In fact he said it twice last night.  Hmmm.  Remember, he is best friends with my brother’s best friend so he may know every little detail.  But at this point it’s still none of his business.

Here’s why last night was so fun.  I taught him how to do the swing and he was adorable.  He’s pretty good, too.  After that we listened to all his music which was so ecclectic.  Lots and lots of his favorites are mine, too.  We took the pillows off the back of the couch so there’d be room for us to stretch out end-to-end.  We took our shoes off, and I wrapped up in a blanket.  The lights were off and we closed our eyes, listening and talking.  He’s so comfortable to be around. 

I’m supposed to be shopping for food.  Don’t worry this isn’t about food.  I’m having the Canadian for dinner tomorrow night and I’d planned on doing the shopping tonight but I made the mistake of checking someone’s blog and got sucked in, and now here I am wanting to write something. 

I’m feeling enthused about singing after an encouraging lesson today.  It still makes me uncomfortable when she praises me.  It’s just such a foreign feeling.  I’m used to teachers who are perfectionistic, like me, always wanting it better, pushing for more.  But I can hear and feel when I get my mouth and throat in the right position and I can hit way higher notes when I use my abs to roll the air up.  Now she’s teaching me these exercises to strengthen the muscles that are above the abs.  There was a bellydance move called the flutter that I could never get and these staccato scales are goin’ after those same muscles. 

When I sang the fancy Italian love song — This time she let me use the words instead of just the vowels — I felt so beautiful and loving.  She said something about how these songs will change me.  What I do know is that my right ear started to unplug after the lesson.  I am learning how to get the air up into my sinuses, and it’s doing good things.  And my lungs, have I mentioned how hard it is to get enough air to last through each phrase?  Fortunately, because I play a wind instrument, I’m used to taking big gasps of air and letting it out slowly.  But that’s so good for your lungs, and part of the reason you feel euphoric after a voice lesson.

She switched the meditation class to Wed nights so now I can go.  I’m a little leery but several of the people in the choir go and they’re cool so we shall see.