May 11, 2008
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This is a day I have always dreaded, in spite of my three lovely girls. Now I fear I have tarnished it for them. They grew up hearing me say all kinds of disparaging things about my mother and how I didn’t want to see her. The middle daughter just phoned, saying she woke up thinking oh, God, it’s Mother’s Day, just like she used to hear me say. She had an obligation that she had put off involving her boyfriend’s sister, who is the mother of two kids my daughter takes care of.
For a long time my oldest had serious issues with me. The middle one went to school in San Francisco, and I would take the youngest with me to Florida every Mother’s day. Now the youngest is going to school in S.F., the oldest always gets me a present and is happy to see me, and the middle one and I are celebrating tomorrow because we meet every Mon for lunch.
Previous to my mother getting sick, I was having the usual feelings, which I addressed in my letter to her. It is a couple posts down and I made it private because I was embarrassed by it. But in response to SR’s comment about honesty I have made it public. The tone still shames me but it’s the truth. Now that I have felt true concern for my mother’s health and let her know it, in other words now that I am a better daughter I can better afford what reads like hatred.
The sermon today was about parenting. Our minister is a lesbian and she spent last week in the south taking care of her dying mother. You could tell they had issues and the thrust of the sermon was about focusing on what your mother taught you more than how well she loved you. Well, hell, my mother taught me — I learned the art of debate. I learned not to trust people. I learned how to be strong. I learned to love clothes. I learned to take the lead. I learned all kinds of useful things. Even her not loving me taught me to love myself.
I have always thought of Mother Earth as my true mother, and as I gathered flowers from my yard yesterday I celebrated that love. She is always there for me and I am always grateful for her. Happy Mother’s Day!
Comments (7)
Hey Wyatt,
My mother died on New Year’s Eve in 1991 after a ferocious ten month war with cancer. She should have died weeks earlier but I swear she lived on sheer will power alone for the last month of her existence for the sole purpose of celebrating christmas with her family. She was a devout catholic. Rabidly, blindly, devout. The anticipation of the annual celebration of the anniversary of the birth of her lord jesus vied with her four children as a reason to live and breathe. She was a hero and a role model for me growing up, despite long bouts of disability that often left her bed ridden and weak. I wrote of it in an earlier blog, comparing, in a way, my relationship with my mother to the one I am developing with my very young granddaughter (http://weblog.xanga.com/Slag_Runner/637379840/the-one-thousand-dozen.html) .
It was my father with whom I feuded for many years. He was absent, or barely present, for much of my early youth and I resented it. I was not an athlete or a good student or a hard worker or a….you know the story.
I quit high school at 17 ½ to enlist in the Marine Corps with my mother’s permission. He was furious, though he had no better suggestion of how I might forge a life for myself. That was then.
He will be 91 in August. In the years since my mom’s passing we have become very close. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice it to say that I am very grateful that circumstances evolved allowing us the time and the opportunity to reconcile. I love him deeply and he reciprocates the feeling openly.
Great post, Prudy. Thanks.
PS..Your comments about earth mother resonate with me. The story of Demeter and the love she had for her daughter Persephone have always been one of my favorites myths of mother earth. A nice touch for mother’s day.
Your mother also taught you how important it is to love your daughters and to show them that you love them – even though she maybe wasn’t teaching you that on purpose..
Love,
~rita
Yes, happy mothers day. I feel for you. The projection of your experience and feelings to your daughters must be painful but it can’t be accurate because they want to be around you. (And who wouldn’t?) I remember seeing something like a letter in my browser and then when I got the chance to get here it was gone. I will go and read it now.
Well, at least you have a mother around. I never had a mother my whole adult life, because she died tragically young. So, Mother’s Day was very weird for me until I had my son. Now I love it.
Lynn
I don’t think you’ve tarnished Mother’s Day for your daughters. The very fact that your daughter could TELL you what she woke up thinking proves that. It’s when there is no communication possible that things are really tarnished.
I wonder sometimes what life would have been like if I had had a daughter instead of a son. My “relationship” with my mother is barely there and I know what I went through as a child would have had a huge impact on my parenting a girl child. It wasn’t as severe with my son and we’re very close.
Happy Mother’s Day. Pat yourself on the back. Even perfect parents make mistakes of which they’re never aware. You love your girls and they know it and that’s what it’s all about.
I read the letter to your mother and I don’t think it sounds like hate. It sounds like scars. I think your minister has the right idea. It’s great to be able to say how loving your mother was, but if she wasn’t, just focus on what good you can find. You learned some good things, some of which you might not have learned if she had been different.
Happy Belated Mother’s Day to you, beautiful.
On an unrelated note, my thighs are starting to look awesome.
As for me getting pissed, no, it doesn’t happen often. But when it does, it’s really frightening to other people