April 28, 2008
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You know how, after you’ve been sick and taken a week off from your life, Monday morning comes and you jump back into your routine, but it’s just not as good as you remember? I play music with this quintet every Monday morning, and it’s one of my favorite things to do. I’ve talked before about how the hostess serves us this wonderful tea and we sit in her conservatory, which by now looks out over matching pink azaleas and rhododendrons. The art work and knickknacks make it such a comfortable place to be, and she hand picks music so that we rarely play the same thing more than four or five times a year.
It’s a beautiful drive through her neighborhood and I enjoy checking on my favorite houses because they have the best spring gardens. My enthusiasm mounted as I pulled up behind the married couple and I saw my buddy ride in on her bike. Everyone was glad I was back. But, once tea was served and we began playing, my mind started to wander. The music wasn’t so good and our weak link was weaker than usual. Somehow it wasn’t as fun as I remember it being. I know I must sound like a spoiled brat here, and I am grateful to be part of the group, but maybe I need to think about playing elsewhere, too.
Last night was kind of the same thing. I waited all day for the jam at the blues bar. I tried on what I was wearing and it looked good. I have to be in pretty good shape to wear the pants so I thought I’d better check. I’m at the right weight for them after a week of not eating much. I found the exact match for a lace top I saw on a mannequin. The sleeveless shell goes under the lace so that it looks like an overlay. The color is unusually good for me. It’s a subtle, smoky…not eggplant, not purple — There’s grey in it and lavender. Over that I wear a silk, three-quarter sleeved, button-down blouse. I’ll call it dusty rose, only it’s a gradation of color away from what’s under it. I have the perfect, old-fashioned locket with matching drop pearl earrings which have the right hue for hardware. Even the lipstick matched. I know it’s weird for me to go into detail about clothes but I’m in the mood. I want to go shopping but I don’t dare spend the money.
I was excited to see the Canadian because we’d had a good conversation earlier in the day, and I couldn’t wait to dance with him. Also, I was very much in the mood to drink. The drinking part was good but the dancing was lame, as a new drummer sat in and he sucked. I danced anyway but it’s hard to get your groove on when the music is substandard. The lead guitar was home sick and the guy who subbed plays a style of blues I don’t care for. Plus, all these punk kids were there for some reason. It’s okay, last week we had so much fun there that one off night almost doesn’t count.
We went out for dessert after and the Canadian said a couple things that really opened my eyes. He and I are very different, in terms of values around money, for one thing. And I am increasingly leery about ever getting involved with his wife and kids. Whoever does end up loving him will need to be part of that family dynamic as he is gone much of the time and his oldest, who is 16, is deaf The divorce has been hardest on him, or at least he is acting out the most. His dad tells me everything, and I am increasingly glad that we are not a good match. I feel relieved and disappointed all at the same time.
Nothing in my life feels right, lately. I’m not quite sure why I plug away at Spanish. The voice lessons, while I feel like it is time well spent, are nothing I seem to want to be practicing. The market is making me tired. It’s too hard and too scary for someone like me. I feel like I need to wait until I am sure we’ve bottomed. I should be planting a garden but that idea doesn’t appeal to me.
Cooking is the only thing I’m interested in now. Over the weekend I made a turkey, mushroom, sage thing with rice. Then I made chicken sausage with carrots and celery and tomato over angel hair pasta. Both of those dishes were loaded with vegies, sweet from a slow saute in olive oil. Then I made a big batch of baked beans. And, finally, lamb stew. Oh, and I made my favorite blue cheese dressing. I have food for the week now. I think maybe I need to work on gratitude for all my blessings.
Comments (8)
you sound restless to me… maybe you need a change of pace, or a different venue, or a short day trip?
I would LOVE your recipe for blue cheese dressing – one of my favorite things…
Do you mind sharing?
I’ve been back recently and reading your blog. You still write as flowingly as ever, so why worry about the stock market ;-p
I think you have so much going for you that you will land on your feet regardless of the state of the nation.
~rita
Very glad you found out more about the Canadian. I can see where it would be a double edged sword but i the end relief to know.
When things are off kilter, I lose interest in things I enjoy as well. I agree that getting back to the blessings can help refocus energies.
The food and your interest in it are wonderful. I savor that virtually!
Perhaps a little depressed. You will probably pull out of it naturally….
Listen to your instincts…the inner voice…the hidden heart.
Seek out the one who will make your life larger.
You come cook for me. I don’t pay well, but I’ll pay you
Until you get your other grooves back. To everything there is a season, and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!
It’s interesting you mentioning rarely playing the same thing more than 5 times a year as a positive. You guys all read the music each time I take it? I find I’m increasingly impatient with people who don’t memorize the music! I want to perfect it, play something 200 times until I don’t have to think about anything to play it. I just hear the song in my mind and it comes out of my fiddle through my fingers and my bowing, but yet I’m not THINKing about any of it. I read music well, but when I’m reading music, my mind is READing and not listening. I play much better when I can listen to myself play and when I can listen to us all playing, when I can step back a bit. How does that compare with your dancing? Do you have a dance that you’re doing steps to in your mind, thinking now we do this and then we do that (like line dancing….?) or do you just dance? And I don’t mean necessarily totally free form but more like you’ve got a dance in your head (a melody) and you dance it, having worked out all the individual moves earlier so that now it’s like when you read and you see the word DANCE rather than the letters D-A-N-C-E or better, maybe you see the sentence I AM DANCING NOW rather than letters making words making sentences…
You sound restless to me, like you want and/or are waiting for something and aren’t sure what it is, yet. That throws everything off a little bit, partly because you aren’t doing/don’t have whatever it is and partly because of the specifics you mention (or it’s exacerbated by the specifics — or vice versa). Or maybe I’m just projecting. LOL I’m definitely restless. It could be spring fever all messed up by this odd/cold weather we’re having.