You know how, after you’ve been sick and taken a week off from your life, Monday morning comes and you jump back into your routine, but it’s just not as good as you remember?  I play music with this quintet every Monday morning, and it’s one of my favorite things to do.  I’ve talked before about how the hostess serves us this wonderful tea and we sit in her conservatory, which by now looks out over matching pink azaleas and rhododendrons.  The art work and knickknacks make it such a comfortable place to be, and she hand picks music so that we rarely play the same thing more than four or five times a year. 

It’s a beautiful drive through her neighborhood and I enjoy checking on my favorite houses because they have the best spring gardens.  My enthusiasm mounted as I pulled up behind the married couple and I saw my buddy ride in on her bike.  Everyone was glad I was back.  But, once tea was served and we began playing, my mind started to wander.  The music wasn’t so good and our weak link was weaker than usual.  Somehow it wasn’t as fun as I remember it being.  I know I must sound like a spoiled brat here, and I am grateful to be part of the group, but maybe I need to think about playing elsewhere, too.

Last night was kind of the same thing.  I waited all day for the jam at the blues bar.  I tried on what I was wearing and it looked good.  I have to be in pretty good shape to wear the pants so I thought I’d better check.  I’m at the right weight for them after a week of not eating much.  I found the exact match for a lace top I saw on a mannequin.  The sleeveless shell goes under the lace so that it looks like an overlay.  The color is unusually good for me.  It’s a subtle, smoky…not eggplant, not purple — There’s grey in it and lavender.  Over that I wear a silk, three-quarter sleeved, button-down blouse.  I’ll call it dusty rose, only it’s a gradation of color away from what’s under it.  I have the perfect, old-fashioned locket with matching drop pearl earrings which have the right hue for hardware.  Even the lipstick matched.  I know it’s weird for me to go into detail about clothes but I’m in the mood.  I want to go shopping but I don’t dare spend the money. 

I was excited to see the Canadian because we’d had a good conversation earlier in the day, and I couldn’t wait to dance with him.  Also, I was very much in the mood to drink.  The drinking part was good but the dancing was lame, as a new drummer sat in and he sucked.  I danced anyway but it’s hard to get your groove on when the music is substandard.  The lead guitar was home sick and the guy who subbed plays a style of blues I don’t care for.  Plus, all these punk kids were there for some reason.  It’s okay, last week we had so much fun there that one off night almost doesn’t count.

We went out for dessert after and the Canadian said a couple things that really opened my eyes.  He and I are very different, in terms of values around money, for one thing.  And I am increasingly leery about ever getting involved with his wife and kids.  Whoever does end up loving him will need to be part of that family dynamic as he is gone much of the time and his oldest, who is 16, is deaf  The divorce has been hardest on him, or at least he is acting out the most.  His dad tells me everything, and I am increasingly glad that we are not a good match.  I feel relieved and disappointed all at the same time.

Nothing in my life feels right, lately.  I’m not quite sure why I plug away at Spanish.  The voice lessons, while I feel like it is time well spent, are nothing I seem to want to be practicing.  The market is making me tired.  It’s too hard and too scary for someone like me.  I feel like I need to wait until I am sure we’ve bottomed.  I should be planting a garden but that idea doesn’t appeal to me. 

Cooking is the only thing I’m interested in now.  Over the weekend I made a turkey, mushroom, sage thing with rice.  Then I made chicken sausage with carrots and celery and tomato over angel hair pasta.  Both of those dishes were loaded with vegies, sweet from a slow saute in olive oil.  Then I made a big batch of baked beans.  And, finally, lamb stew.  Oh, and I made my favorite blue cheese dressing.  I have food for the week now.  I think maybe I need to work on gratitude for all my blessings.

I’m over being vigilant about what I eat.  I think the first day I skipped logging I ended up stopping for a piece of pizza at a new joint, and then splitting fries with the Canadian late at night.  Add three Cokes, two with Jack, and you get some idea of the direction things were headed. 

I’m being more moderate now.  Like I’m drinking coffee again.  With milk in it, even.  I try to stay away from dairy.  But mmm, it’s good.  I’m drinking out of a coffee cup that isn’t mine.  It was from his work.  He worked for the city and I think he would love to have the cup back.  I just got done talking with him is why I bring it up.  He emailed me yesterday, out of the blue, after four years.  I dumped him suddenly and this was the first time we’ve had any contact since.  He’s smart and funny and kind and a great conversationalist so it was good to talk to him again.  Wish I knew why he contacted me after all this time.

So I guess I’m skipping church.  We don’t sing today so I don’t have to go.  I wanted to go but I’d rather write than get ready.  And this coffee tastes sooo good. 

I want to tell you about my new favorite blogger, Slag_Runner.  You’ve got to check out his post about the rabbits.  It’s hilarious and he’s SUCH a good writer.  I like him because he calls me Wyatt.  And I like the way he thinks. 

Maybe I should go to church.  I still have time if I don’t make a production out of the hair. 

I felt even better today, even though I still have fluid stuck in my right ear, which continues to make me slightly dizzy and nauseous.  The oldest came over with her puppy and our dogs played and played.  Then we went to lunch for Mexican where I had a really good margarita, lots of chips and salsa, and half my beans and rice and enchilada.  I’ll eat the rest tomorrow.  We came back to watch the dogs play some more and then she wanted another margarita so we went to my blues bar, which looks weird in the middle of the day. 

I came home and took a bit of a nap and instead of eating dinner before choir I went out for strawberry rhubarb pie and coffee.  That’s the first coffee I’ve had since I got sick.  I had a cup of hot water, the first water I’d had all day, and now I’ll make some tea.  Not too great on the fluids today but I had my good black tea this morning, twice, and a smoothie.  Oh, and a piece of toast.  Not so healthy today but much more fun.  I forgot, when I got back from choir I had one chicken thigh and some baby carrots. 

We sang The Rose tonight and I got to sing with the tenors.  We had a new tenor.  She was dressed up like a woman but I think he’s in the middle of a sex change.  She is a good singer and was confident. 

The Canadian is not calling or emailing and admitted that he is not over his wife.  She was nice to him on his birthday and they are having an easier time communicating so I am pleased for them.  He is gone this week, too, working in California.  He tried to tell me his schedule last week but it was too much travel to keep straight.  I did that for 20 years and have no interest in doing it again. 

I do miss him, though.  His shrink told him he had to wait to begin a new relationship until he had put his marriage to rest.  And we were just being friends but I suspect he was advised not to call.  We will probably have a better chance at friendship now.  Plus, I can flirt again without him trying to kiss me.  I’m so bad.

You’re probably getting tired of reading about food but I don’t care because this is really helping me to eat more balanced and remember to drink my fluids.

Breakfast was tea and toast sans the peanut butter.  That was at 5:00.  Then around 8 I had steak hash.  It’s something I always make when I’m camping.  Everything is diced the same.  I saute mushrooms, sweet onion, and red pepper (I wait until the onion is soft before adding the peppers) along with cooked potato.  I add the steak, garlic, and parsley at the last minute.  I ate half of it.

Lunch was tuna salad.  I put celery and pickles and curry with lots of mayo in it and I use good tuna in oil. 

Snack was a piece of toast with the rest of the tuna spread.

Dinner (late) was celery root and BBQ chicken thighs.  I had two. 

My body is calling out for sugar.

Oh, and I didn’t want to mention it but when I was waiting for the chicken to cook I snitched a little avacodo and some pepperoncinis.  I know, I eat a lot.

2 water/ 6 tea

Not that you care but I just ate a spinach and beet salad from the Market of Choice, probably the cheapest of the fancy grocery stores in these parts.  They have  a good salad bar setup and I piled on the sunflower seeds and red beans and olives and even little chinese crunchies.  When I got home I drizzled Russian dressing on it.  I’ve had two water bottles, three cups of green tea, and two black.  Oh, and breakfast was two eggs, scrambled and a banana.  Not at the same time, that would be sick.

That was yesterday.  My energy level is still low but I have my appetite back.  I have been home eating all day.  Let’s see if I can remember it all.  Breakfast was at 5:00.  I have this sourdough bread I like for toast and I put peanut butter on it instead of butter.  An hour later I made a smoothie:  1 banana, 3 handfulls of frozen blueberries, juice from 1/2 lemon, 2 T ground flax seed, enough whole yogurt (plain) to make it milkshake consistency,  maple syrup to taste. 

I’ve been getting up at 4:00 am to see what the futures market is doing and to hear earnings reports dissected by the experts.  I stay up long enough to see how the market opens, then back to bed for a couple more hours sleep.  When I got up I put a baked potato in the oven and boiled celery root.  Lunch was sliced celery root and half of a baked potato.  An odd lunch, even for me.

I turned the market back on and tracked the ticker but soon fell asleep.  When I woke up I wanted an apple.  I keep those juicy, big organic red apples on hand.  Then I checked all my stocks and bought some more Eli Lilly on the dip.  They were down because they missed on some of their numbers but I like the big dividend and I believe it’s going higher.

I took another little cat nap around 4pm.  I watch a political/financial show that always puts me to sleep and when I woke an hour later I ate the last of the Thai, which was a small bowl.  Eat and sleep, what else are you gonna do in all this cold rain?  Problem is I’m still hungry.  I need protein.

PS  I drank two water bottles, four different kinds of green tea, and two black.

Edited to add before I forget:

So dinner was leftover Thai food with glass noodles and some shrimp in it.  And a glass of V8 juice.  For snacks I had one banana and one little pack of applesauce.  For lunch I had salad shrimp in cocktail sauce over lettuce.  Probably too much shrimp today.  Oh, and scads of lemon, ginger tea.  And two,16 oz water bottles.

It feels like I’ve been gone longer than a week.  I’ve had the flu which has developed into a cold so to wake up this fine morning with no stock market to think about and the whole day ahead of me, feeling sooo much better, I am deleriously happy.

What kept me going were the morning and evening calls from the Canadian, my lifeline.  He was vacationing in Puerto Rico, a trip for two, planned well in advance.  It was a little hard for him to be alone and he knew I was stuck at home, too sick to get out of my chair.  It was probably dumb to get more emotionally involved but he’s home today with his boys, it’s his birthday and things should get back to normal.

So, having eaten next to nothing for a week, I am trying to start out slow with small portions of easy to digest food.  This morning I made oatmeal – actually, it feels a little heavy — with rice milk.  The way I do it is a German thing my sister taught me.  I use half milk and half water to cook the oats.  And rather than my usual brown sugar and butter on top with whole milk poured over the whole thing,  I add nothing but salt.  I only used 1/2 cup of oats to 1 and 1/2 C liquid, and I let it sit for a long time, first on low, then on no heat.  And I don’t use the quick-cooking oats. 

I’ve made the switch to tea again, my Chinese morning tea called Toucha — I’m too lazy to get up and check the spelling — which is black but very smooth.  And I took my calcium and fish oil.  And I drank one glass of water.  Sorry to go on and on but I’m thinking about using this to log my progress towards my usual spring diet. 

It’s not so much a diet as a shift in focus.  This time of year I get really excited about the upcoming produce and the idea of wearing all my summer clothes.  I am already feeling more beautiful just because I drank my water.  Have you noticed how much better the skin on your neck looks when you are well hydrated?

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about.  Some movie star — I watched a lot of TV – said something like this:  You attract no more and no less than you think you deserve.  I’ve never looked at it that way, kind of put off by the word deserve.  But I’ve been looking at that wrong.

What would you think if you got 50 hits in one day and it wasn’t even 6:00 pm?  “From Pennsylvania”:  that’s all it says on the Footprints.  I know this is maybe the third time I’ve been curious about who reads me.  Otherwise I just feel like I’m writing to you guys, who COMMENT.  Yeah, I think if I’d made that many visits to someone’s site I’d say hello. 

Tuesday is usually such a great day.  I work on stocks in the morning, walk my dog, and then go to the hospital.  Today I made 60 journals for the kids in the family group.  Their mom has breast cancer or lunch cancer, or maybe their dad.  It’s a chance for kids who might lose their parent to be with other kids who are going through it, too.  It’s run by one of the cancer counselors and a social worker; both of them saints.  The journals took me forever because I wanted to have some of the pages be solid so they could draw, mixed in with the lined paper.  I love playing with colored paper, never having gotten to when I was a kid.  I mean at home. 

So the reason today wasn’t the usual good day is that I pulled something in my back tonight.  After the hospital I give a private bellydance lesson.  I guess we weren’t warmed up or streched out enough.  She does yoga all the time so she’s much more supple.  She had me lay on my back and bring one knee up to my chest to try and fix it.  All I could think was that maybe I was just too old to be doing those kinds of moves.  It was a good lesson for me, that’s for sure.  I never knew I had a weak back.  I mean I knew my lower back had lost much of it’s elasticity and mobility but I didn’t think I could hurt it so easily. 

Enough bitching.  I hate women my age who complain about their aches and pains.  The way I was dancing Sunday you’d never guess I had a weak back.  And probably hanging out with a 46-year-old changes me.  It irritates me that I feel the need to put concealer on now.  That stuff works great though.  And then I take more time with my hair. Now when I get ready to go dancing it’s this huge ordeal.  Not only do I put extra make-up on now I take great care to wear something flattering.  Suddenly every female in the place is flirting with him and I feel like I’m guarding a bone:).

Not only do I look better these days, my house has never been cleaner.  I never know when he’ll drop by so I’m always prepared.  It’s so nice to have him here, just hanging out talking.  He likes my dog, too.  Or at least my dog likes him.  And he likes my daughter.  They get along really well.  They talk at the bar while I swing dance with other people.

Speaking of my daughter, SHE’S MOVING!  She and her boyfriend found an aprtment and will move this weekend.  He will be working on a ferry between Alaska and Seattle so my daughter will be alone most of the time.  I will miss him, too.

When I turned the dishwasher on tonight it made an odd sound and no water came out.  It made that funny new sound last week but my daughter’s boyfriend played with the knob until it worked.  No such luck this time.  I should have known its days were numbered since it’s the same color as the old stove which just died.  Let’s hope they still make 24″ dishwashers. 

I might have a new dance partner.  I mean swing partner.  The Canadian and I have been dancing together, twice a week, for almost two months.  Now he wants to try learning West coast swing.  I am a little leery but willing to try.  He must think he can or he wouldn’t be promoting it.  It’s so much easier for the woman; the guy is the one who gets stuck planning all the moves and setting them up.  I don’t want us embarking on something that’s not positive.  His divorce is taking its toll on his ego I think, and I want our time together to be fun, so I am stalling about these lessons.

So far we are just friends but it’s getting harder to maintain the distance.  Last night he mentioned the doctor he’s training with for Cycle Oregon.  I assumed it was a man but he let me know it is a woman.  I was jealous and that took me by surprise.  I’m not usually, so it freaked me out.  He could tell about both, even though I tried to cover.  He made it very clear there was no romance there and while I was relieved it was embarrassing.  I’m the one who is wanting to be just friends so I felt like I was making no sense. 

He is fine with this arrangement but continues trying to kiss me.  Which is good.  He’s very smooth about it.

The reason it’s good is that I am becoming increasingly fond of him.  I just think it’s premature to talk to him about my medical history.  And I kind of have to if I kiss him.  I actually did kiss him but it was only a friendly peck in the beginning.  We are becoming close, and were he not ten years younger it would be easier to decide what I want.  But it’s too soon to tell. 

His mother is here helping set up his new apartment and I want to see what she’s like.  He drove me by his new place and asked if I wanted to go in the other day and meet her.  I used the excuse of not having any makeup on because it felt like I should say no.  I wish I’d said, “yes.”