March 25, 2008
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Edited to add:
la_chatte_gitane is right, and it’s an important point she makes.
Heartache
I have this yearning. It’s a mixed-up kind of ache, which I think was exacerbated by Sunday’s singing. That brief encounter with my heart dredged up memories. Sometimes during a full moon I get pulled back into love.
I emailed the married man. I don’t even feel bad about it either. I went to a house party with a friend of mine Saturday night. She’s an actor and was in a play with the drummer. The girl who opened for them sang a song, and that’s what started this yearning. She sang a line about how there was a guy who loved her. The way she sang it made me believe that was the most important thing in the whole world to have. The song started out with all the stuff she didn’t have, then got to the line about how, many miles away, at the end of the day, she knew he was loving her. I want that.
I had that with the married man. I could feel it when he was thinking about me, many miles away. This year, after we’d been home a couple days, I decided we should just stick to once a week at the beach and leave it at that. No communicating in between. But when Easter came it made me remember the phone call I got last year, and I wanted him to know I remembered. I emailed him to say I had rented the same house at the beach and was he still coming. He and his friends stay in the next town over, and we all meet up at the blues festival. This will be our third year.
Really what brought this on was my new friendship with the Canadian. He’s the one I dance with now, the one who is in the middle of a divorce. Maybe I haven’t mentioned him. He’s ten years younger so that won’t work but he looks so much like the married man and has that same dry sense of humor. They carry themselves the same way. They tease me the same way. I’m just getting to know the Canadian so I’m not sure how much I like him. Mostly he makes me miss the married man. I can’t tell if I really like him or just like to be around him.
The sad thing is that this pining is for someone I don’t know yet. When there is such a disconnect between what I have with men and what I have with Spirit I know I won’t be settling. I wish the bar weren’t so high.
Comments (12)
Why are you dismissing the Canadian just because he’s 10 years younger???
I get the aching bit…I’ve experienced that many times and most of them when I was with my EX!!
You did an amazing job of conveying the ache you feel with this piece. As always you rock!! marilyn
I have to ask the same thing as maggie70 did. My R is 15 years younger and I have not had anyone ever that I get along so well with physically, emotionally and mentally. But I have a feeling that if it grows into something you are not the type to really let 10 years stand in the way. And I believe that we will both know it when we see it. It takes a lot of courage to examine the desires and yrearning of your heart and spirit. I admire that about you! I believe that it is partly Nature…for why we feel this way…because I believe that nature intended us to be with someone at this point in our lives…sharing our journey, growing and loveing. But as with all beings as we evolve and consciously begin taking full responsibility for our lives, our thoughts and feelings….we move off into these tangents of growth.
I love how you ended your post. It was like following the in and out breath as you moved from emotion to logic to inner wisdom. Ending with this…beautiful statement of truth.
“When there is such a disconnect between what I have with men and what I have with Spirit I know I won’t be settling. I guess that’s good.”
It is excellent! thank you!
Hugs and blessings, Ashes
May I offer a suggestion? That yearning, that awful aching pining, is for a part of yourself, not another person. You’ve externalized that part into the married man, much the way some married women externalize and give up parts of themselves to their partners in their marriages. I did this for ten years with someone. When I realized what I was doing and began to re-own that part of myself, the yearning faded away.
Hope you don’t mind the pseudo-psychoanalysis.
Excellent post. *hugs*
Prudy please tell me I’ve shared the http://www.abraham-hicks.com site with you?? If not go sign up for the daily quotes they are a constant reminder of how to live…marilyn
I used to call that aching “nostalgia.” C.S. Lewis actually calls it “joy.” I feel you, beautiful Prudy
aw…Bar set too high… high expectations. E. was telling me today that I set too high of expectations in people. I replied, “they are set so high because I know that’s what they should be capable of” and later on, when they realized they have failed in some way- they can improve and take the opportunity to change… luckily for me tho.. I can afford NOT to have people, who can’t meet my expectations, in my life… I’m fulfilled with the few people who surround me now, my family. Could I say that without them? I don’t know. But I don’t think so. I’d have to bring that standard down or be satisfied with just myself. Lonely? but satisfied… .. ..
Hugs!
It’s so difficult, this task of finding love in mid-life. Things were much simpler when one was in teens or early-twenties. But now it’s so complicated — kids, baggage, etc. I almost despair of finding a soulmate. But I know it’s possible. I hope things work out for you.
This post reminds me of that old movie, Same Time Next Year. I love that movie!
I never worried about age when I was choosing partners. I was more focused on something more superficial — height. I couldn’t stand being out with someone shorter than me which knocked out most of the male population, since I’m 5’10″ and usually in heels. Looking back, I think I was really silly. If someone makes you happy to be around, none of this stuff should matter.
i wonder what it is that you are really missing in your life? is it the touch of someone? ryc: i wrote a much longer piece about the degas exhibit a few years ago. i can’t believe you remember it!
So that is the Canadian. I got lost in the emailing and don’t think it’s bad either. While there is still this disconnect anyway. When the bar is met he likely won’t enter the picture much anymore. I am curious about the Canadian. People have told me to “go for it” when some guy is 13 years younger and I just don’t see it working. I am very skeptical that many people can make that kind of thing work well. So I won’t tell you to shrug off the age thing or something similar.
I wish the bar weren’t so high too. For myself as well. Or so low as it has been in some circumstances.