December 5, 2007
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I wrote this for Featured_Grownups the other day and, reading it now, I don’t like the way I sound, but I’m not changing it because it’s true:
I’m really glad the pick was holiday tradition, because it reminds me that Christmas Eve looms ahead and, once again, I may find myself spending it like any other day.
When I left I felt so bad for the kids that I gave up all my holidays with them so that they could continue to spend that time the way they always had, with my husband’s family. I mean ex-. The first year I wasn’t well enough to do anything, so being invited to friends’ homes for Thanksgiving and then Christmas Eve seemed wonderful. The next year, when I was well and on my feet but just lonely, I remember being uncomfortable when it came time for the hospitable family to open their gifts. It should have been private family time, and I felt like an intrusion. The following three years I had a succession of boyfriends, and we celebrated at my house. It was romantic but odd not to be with family.
My sister quit doing Christmas Eve – Actually, for 28 years she did Christmas Day, I did Thanksgiving, and my husband’s brother did Christmas Eve. Now that my sister has left her husband, my brother has begun inviting us to Christmas Eve but I’m always so busy that night, as the girls show up pretty early Christmas morning to open their stockings. Plus, that would be back-to-back dinners with his “significant other.” That’s what I’m supposed to call her. I like her, she’s just intense. And she drinks. And she’s very political. It’s the two together that don’t mix well for her.
One year I went to a restaurant near my house. It was nice. But like the romantic dinners with boyfriends it just seemed odd, though I did enjoy watching one family struggle through dinner. I remember a woman about my age, obviously not from around here, who was nervously waiting for her family to show up. They all came separately, hugging hello, but seemed stiff and careful with each other through dinner. I gathered people came and went from that clan and each year was different.
One year I went to mass. That’s overrated. We sang dumb songs and it was entirely too crowded. For years I had been under the impression that people would be dressed in velvet; that incense would perfume the air; and that the floor-to-ceiling pipe organ, which is the best in the city, would move me to tears at midnight. We sang jingle bells, all wedged up next to each other with the suffocating smell of wet shoes and dinner breath making me want to bolt.
I sometimes think I should help serve dinner in a homeless shelter but I can never bring myself to sign up. That just sounds soooo depressing. I can’t go out of town, as I have the kids in the morning. I’d really like to think of a new tradition, either one that I could share with strangers or something I could do alone. Any ideas?
Comments (11)
A couple….
I have a friend who simply fixes dinner for Christmas Eve and invites…..everyone! Mostly wayward folks who she knows who may be left alone during the holidays. Of course she knows them.
The owners of my real estate co…..simply do their Christmas early in the month so that the kids can stay home on Christmas morning. They may do a dinner of barbecue or something different from the usual.
I knew of a friend who backed her Christmas to Thanksgiving for her family, thus freeing them up for the holiday. All these suggestions aren’t that good of an alternative as these folks have family which they’re trying to accomodate, thus making their own tradition. Come read what I wrote.
Try Hawaii? Take yourself someplace special, maybe returning just before Christmas Eve to be ready for the girls Christmas morning, tanned, relaxed and serene. Of course you’d have to have done all your shopping, etc. before TG, but believe me that’s pretty easy. And cheaper. I’ve finally started buying for Cmas all year long, when I see that cool, inexpensive special item–doesn’t end up saving any money as I always go overboard. I think I’m trying to recreate a Cmas I never really had, and it never works. My best fun of Cmas is in the preparation, the present buying, the looking around and I’ve decided to be happy with that, since it is what brings me the most fun.
those are all great ideas. i know we’ve struggled with it being so far from family here. one year we went to the movies. one christmas eve we invited everyone we knew (about 15 ppl) for christmas eve, but none of our usual traditions work here. i keep saying next year we’re going to paris for christmas… or even hong kong! if we’re gonna be alone, we might as well be someplace where we don’t know anyone and make great new memories!!!! this year? we’re driving to family- 24 hours each way!
now that your girls are older- why not ask them if they’d like to join for a vacation over the holiday season. they might be honored and tired of christmas w/o you!
When you have had a marriage and children who have had wonderfully structured holiday events it’s almost impossible to find a solution to the lack of them after divorce. I had several with boyfriends, several more with Dave and his kids and now we have some that are with his, then mine, hardly ever do we mix the two. I tell him I want to run away for the holidays as they are more stress than having a baby. I hate the trying to make a day into something it used to be and will never be again. I’m with the opinion you find something completely out of the neighborhood like a weekend in Seattle or Portland or San Fran. Don’t tell anyone about it, just go do something you love. The Opera, a play, Vegas for gods sake…anything to fill the day.. Tough though since you’ve the girls in the morning. I’m really at a loss for the perfect fill in…hey, I’m still looking for it myself. If you find it let me know…grins..marilyn
Oh! I like these ideas of travel! Remember? Carlos and I went on a cruise at Thanksgiving. The ship was all decorated for Christmas and we had a wonderful time in the warmth. Yeah…..great ideas!
The way you describe mass is perfection. I have gone on a whim because I usually spend those days alone with family having the off holiday every year. I had to bolt myself.
Last year I started something that I want to continue. I pick up the paint brushes and turn on the tv to the mass in Rome or somewhere. Then I paint all night and into the next day. I don’t touch the brushes almost at all during the year these days. So it is a great release to do it at Christmas.
It’s a prefect time to do something I’ve neglected in the creative vein that is out of the norm. Last year it had me in tears and in the zone and making all sorts of connections. Of course that sent me back to typing in short order. But it was rewarding all the way around.
Linked! sorry for the delay, was out of town
Volunteering at a hospital to hang with patients that are too ill to be home, a women and children shelter, or gather other friends in similar situations for an eve of fun. =)
I’d make it a night to pick your favorite movie and just chill out. Order take-out so you don’t have any dishes to do.
A few close friends, or a not-too-large number of newer acquaintances in for hot soups and sandwiches works for me during the Christmas week or weekend. My “helpmate,” that is my significant- other, dearest and closest freind and I chose to put up the decorations in my house this year. And we’re sharing them with many unattached friends who hardly bothered to put any decorations up for themselves. The meaning of family has changed for many of us these days, but building that new circles of dear ones is a worthy tradition to start creating.
Thank you for the honesty of your post. Very refreshing and thought provoking.
When hubby and I were far away from family and it was just he and I, we invited all those who didn’t have anywhere to spend the holidays. They brought their gifts and we made our own “family” for the holiday. It made for some of the best holiday memories I’ve got. Memories of poker on Christmas day and weekend long Risk games. Laughter, food, and friends. I saw someone suggested Hawaii, that’s always good too – maybe pick a new destination each year?