September 11, 2007
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I have the feeling, tonight, that this post is approaching the turning point where I get sucked back into Xanga. It’s good to reconnect with people. It’s good to write down what happened in a day and what you thought about it. I remember hearing that one of the daily exercises holy men practiced — And that may have been something I heard from a Taoist master — was a nightly review. They looked back on the conversations and actions of the day to inspect their motivation and see if there might be places for improvement.
Maybe I’m becoming holy because I seem to be bogged down lately by these thoughts. When I take a second look, say at the last sentence of the previous blog — Sorry, but I’m embarrassed by it now so you’ll have to go back and look if you’re curious – suffice it to say that it was unholy behavior.
Also, I’m feeling less than confident about my abilities to navigate Home Depot and Parr Lumber. I guess I could wrassle with those 26 pressure-treated 2 X 6 X 16s in order to find and load 6 good ones. I did manage to find the sprayers and decide on one but neither place had the cedar siding for the house. Taking apart this deck is like doing a lumpectomy. There were no clear margins because all the bottoms of the boards are rotting. Last year they bought 6 or 7 of these boards that I was used to using as posts for the fences. But I guess once I paint the “PT” boards it won’t look so weird to have them on the deck.
I find it unnerving to have these two guys around all day. In a thick Spanish accent the father tells me he hopes I win at this game I play [ the stock market ] when I explain I can’t afford to replace the whole deck and do it right with the sand and everything. If he was so worried about doing things right, why didn’t we paint the bottoms of these new boards? Duh. All day they are having me run here and there to pick up more boards and screws or whatever. Then they tell me I bought the wrong sprayer when two of my guy friends now have told me they love their Wagner. I bought the sprayer having no idea what brand to get. It just had the features I wanted.
Anyway, it throws me off, all these quick decisions and mistakes. The caulking is drying up some, on the front porch, and not as tacky anymore but it’s still quite visible through the paint. I stopped a guy in front of one of the mansions where I play recorder. He had painter pants on and was getting something out of his truck. It looked like he was in the middle of a job there. He said he suspected they used the type of grout that wasn’t paintable. Great.
The stock market crack and just the way I think the father and son might perceive me makes me take a more objective look at myself. I wonder how insane it is to have all my money in the stock market. Granted a good portion of my money is tied up in this house, and that’s a good investment. Also, I’m looking at my inability to get anything done. I read all these daily guru messages and they get me somewhat motivated to look at goals but I don’t seem to want anything badly enough to do something different.
queenoscots put it just right in her last post about a sort of lazzei faire summer, if that’s the right word. I strolled through the back yard after the guys had gone home and went back to see the fire pit. I haven’t had one fire this summer. I’ve weeded exactly once. I only picked half the plums. I stood there wondering what I HAD been doing this summer and why it was different this year.
I’m doing just what I want every day, that’s the problem. Or is it? I have had the BEST summer ever it feels like. I’ve danced at least twice a week to live music. I’ve cooked all the produce I’ve gotten from the organic farm, making up lots of new recipes. I’ve gone camping a couple times and taken two vacations. But the most pleasant thing about this summer was the weekly routine of my Spanish class and teaching bellydance to my friend and the recorder playing and even the crazy stock market which has kept me glued to the television to see WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. This has been very exciting and confusing to me. But at least once a week I meet a girlfriend for coffee and my daughters for something. It’s kind of boring doing the same stuff every week but on the other hand there’s a nice continuity to the weeks.
I meet the same two women at the same two coffee shops for weekend visits. I take my dog to the same spot on the river most mornings. I think this is what it’s like getting older. I’m turning 57 next week and I think this is what it feels like to get old. It’s nice, really. Pleasant but uneventful.
Comments (11)
Something peaceful about the mundane, boring life! LOL! I used to tell Carlos….”We live such a boring life”. He would say….”I love it!” Predictable is nice too. My life certainly has not been predictable this last year.
I think we need a man.
Sounds very pleasant actually. Maybe you’ll find time next spring to add your garden in.
just sounds – really, really good.
The repetition sounds wonderful to me, because it’s repeating things you love to do. Spontaneity certainly has its place, but when you know you can count on a friend or a class, that’s a good feeling. That’s how I feel right now with friendships and classes and househunting, but we’re also semi-planning bigger events like Halloween in Cincinnati, a visit to Toledo to bike with friends who just got back from your neck of the woods, and Thanksgiving Steve-style. Also, even though I blogged about it, I have to squeal a little about the writers’ workshop in April I’ll be able to attend for free!
As for getting back into Xanga… I’ve been out of it some this summer. I still blog, but the “good” blogs are few and far between. I still need this space as an extra place to unload other parts of my consciousness, as a place to solicit feedback and harmony, and as a place to make myself write, however informally. Summer sees a lot of Xangans drift a way for a bit, but the chill and reflection and structure of autumn tend to bring us back again. Do what you gotta do, but I hope it means we get to see more of you if that’s right for ya
I’ve got to say that I’ve had a similar summer, WTF is going on in the world to drive us to do almost nothing that we intended or thought would make us completely happy? I’ve painted at Missy’s but not my own but in my defense she was wanting a housewarming to show off the place mine is old hat so why hurry. I didn’t get any of the things I needed to do for upkeep on my housepainting outside and that’s going to show terribly come spring…again WTF?? I know I need to do these things yet I didn’t make the effort.
You voice many things that I’ve been thinking about getting older which is one great reason you need to come blog with us so you can help me along the path of life. I mean that sincerely too. marilyn
Finding the balance of enough routine to keep you comfortable and enough spontaneity to keep things interesting is a thing many of us struggle with I think. And the right balance point is a shifty thing, depending on moods, weather, and other external and internal touchpoints. I’m just back on Xanga as well, after a month off and pretty spotty posts before that. Good to return and catch up with what feels like old friends.
I would love to have more routine in my life.I think we do change over time and while I hate to admit it what I use to scoff at in older people I now celebrate in myself.There is a lot of freedom to be found in putting down some of the goal orientated behavior that seems to highlight my younger days.
I have not been on Xanga lately but today I got on and am glad to see your post. Pleasant is good enough. I prefer an uneventful life:)
It is good to “listen” to you once again. Keep posting. . ..
Examining motivations in retrospect is something I do when I am not actively working toward something big picturey. I know my idle hands and how they can get. However, when I have a goal in sight all the words I say and things I do work toward that end and though I do examine it, I usually come out pretty clean. I just have to keep busy.
The temptations are enormous and as a human, I think indulgence is a good thing, it gives us something to regret and something to work on. So the unholy, I believe it has a purpose and a place. It’s not evil. Or I don’t think it is.
You summer sounds like bliss and the work now does too a bit. It is good to have you back a bit. I understand not wanting to get sucked in, but as Emily said up there, it is not easy to ind great pages and people so however long you want to hang out, I’ll be stopping by. Look out if I am idle though because I’ll cheer on almost every flirtation known to man.
I’m not sure, but I think maybe they don’t paint the bottoms of the boards to allow moisture to escape. I could be totally wrong though.