May 27, 2007

• The trip changed me somehow.  I can’t put my finger on it but as I was driving home from a birthday party for my sister, at which only the siblings were present (including the mentally compromised one who is now out of the shelter and in an apartment with a good job), a Joni Mitchell song came on.  The year before I married I lived in a really cool building.  I listened to Joni every morning from my claw-tooth tub.  Henry hated her so when I moved in with him I listened to his music.  Hearing her again hooked up the 20-year-old with this present space I’m in. Though, I am living with a level of satisfaction I don’t remember.  It’s a satisfaction which comes from years of waiting and struggling toward independence. 

  Usually, coming home from Florida is harder.  Yes, it was cold and raining when I got back at midnight but what I woke up to was a life I would never want to leave.  My recorder group had a party for — I can’t remember the name I gave her but she was the one who befriended me.  Anyway, she just finished chemo, so after we played we took all the fabulous food we each brought and sat out in the garden.  You can’t believe how gorgeous this garden is.  Remember how controlling the hostess was?  She is someone I am really becoming fond of.  Yes, the group is quirky and eccentric but I fit right in.  I brought hummus and “crudities.”  In my absence they had assigned me dip and were visibly relieved to see it wasn’t onion or crab or something with a lot of mayo.  I hadn’t realized they were health nuts.  So, more points for me.

  Then my Spanish class had their annual party.  This teacher, who I thought was nuts, has a following going back 20 years.  Every year all of her classes cook something from her recipes, which are in the back of the workbook.  One of the students owns ten acres and horses and a fabulous house, and she has the party every year.  After a while the spouses start coming, so everyone knew each other.  Because my class is disbanding, I tried to find another group I could merge with but they were all too advanced.  The great thing, though, was that mostly they were women in their 60′s and about as interesting a group as I have found myself in. 

  There were only three of us in class:  me, the woman I called to get the assignment from, and Jerry.  When Jerry saw me heading from my car to the front door of the building he started honking his horn:  three quick toots.  I stopped and waited for him to get out of his car.  He took his time.  He hugged me, which was odd, and told me how good it was to see me.  I remarked about his new facial hair.  He had the beginnings of a little something at the bottom of his chin and I forget what else but it looked fashionable.  And grey.  Maybe he is more my age than I thought.  By now the teacher was approaching and he hugged her, as well.  She looked surprised.  I apologized for setting him up with the tortillas and the teacher admonished him for not attending the party.  It was a hurried, confusing conversation, with Spanish, English, and some mix of Asian minds merging, but he and I acknowledged what had occurred. 

  Toward the end of class we discussed how the three of us might proceed.  It was decided that we would start our own study group in order to catch up with the group who meet on Mondays.  We will meet at the Mexican restaurant at the shopping center on Thurs.  Jerry wanted to hire a tutor but Kay and I both have family members who speak Spanish so we weren’t up for that.  We exchanged phone numbers, and on the way back to our cars Jerry yelled, “Call me for breakfast sometime.” 

  Maybe part of this feeling that all is so well stems from having been included in a family birthday party for the middle one.  Did I mention that Henry got married?  His wife wasn’t there but her daughter was and we got along well.  His mother was there and was very nice to me.  I congratulated him while everyone in the room held their breath.  The only reason I got to go was because it was at my daughter’s.  This was the first family function I have attended in seven years.  It was all the same people, except for her daughter and my daughter’s boyfriend’s family, but I was different.  

  I guess I’m finally where I’m supposed to be.  I’m at home with being alone.  I went to all my favorite places in West Palm and Singer Island, deeply grateful I could be there.  It was the first time I’d gone by myself., and I did all the things my youngest never was up for (she’s in Spain).  Sitting at those two parties with each of my families, we are all in a good place with ourselves and each other.  It’s a feeling of peace.  

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