April 19, 2006
-
My heart’s still racing. I just wrote the chapter about moving out, the three weeks of secrecy where I put a downpayment on a rental house and made the rounds of estate sales the next weekend. I still can’t bring myself to write the part about him coming home from the beach and seeing all my stuff gone. Maybe because he didn’t seem to mind. I realized later he figured I’d come to my senses. But, anyway, I made 50,000 words tonight; comin’ into the home stretch.
It’s amazing how much fear I have about this part of the story. The kids were so mad at me. That last week, I just bulldozed through it, pushing to be free. It seemed astonishingly easy, at the time, to create a new life. Waking up in a new house, with all new furniture, and no one to hassle me, I marveled at my accomplishment.
It took years for the fallout to hit. Up until recently I wanted no part of that life. Now I think back, longingly, to all the good times we had over the years, the family life I gave up, the lifestyle I lost. I’m not saying I did the wrong thing, I’d never want to live with him again. I’m just saying I gave up a whole lot more than I realized. I turned my back on precious history.
These last few nights I have spent hours on the phone, once with a new friend and once with an old friend. The new friend is not my age, not my sex, and far enough away that we’ll never meet. In other words, unavailable. The old friend is someone I used to walk with every morning. She ran the child-care center at the club and when we would tavel without the kids, she’d stay with them. She and I know every little detail about each other’s history. But as she’s grown up and had her own child and divorce, I found her to be someone I do not want in my life. So, again, I spent two hours curled up in bed with the wrong person.
Today I had coffee with the realtor again. I’m afraid part of the reason she’s wanting to make up is to get information about my daughter’s best friend, the estranged child of her new husband. Small world, huh. None of his daughters speak to him and I thought she wanted to know why. Today she asked if this girl had been getting her birthday and Christmas cards with the check. I kicked myself for getting caught up in the situation, sharing information I probably shouldn’t. But after going through that whole thing about my dad, I think this child should reconnect with hers.
She’s looking less hostile each time; today she laughed and smiled just like she used to, her face softening into that loving look I spent 45 years with. But I have a feeling she is not someone I should be loving again.
Three days in a row, after the unsettling time with my family, I find myself drawn to people I should probably stay away from. Why is it so hard for me to set healthy boundaries for myself? I love talking to these people but it’s like sleeping with a date when you should have just been friends.
Comments (26)
It is hard not to be codependent with family. I worked really hard on myself and after a lot of years can now set boundaries even with my kids but sometimes I still find it hard. Judi
I have guilty of the same thing. I know a person is not good for me and I continue the conversation knowing that I’m being used in some way. I’m trying to get past that, but it is difficult for that same reason you mentioned earlier, precious history. I get confused sometimes I guess when I feel that someone has honored me with their confidence and I share my own, that it is precious when it is not really. God, it feels like I am going to have to learn so much over again but this time the right way. As if I have been living bound up like a geisha’s feet and now I have to walk normally. But there is no going back, I have to work it out. It may seem trite but it is true, that you recognize the issue is an advantage to you. That is kind of nervy for the realtor to put you in that position too.
I’m sort of a lousy judge of character my own self. On the other hand, I’ve been extraordinarily lucky, over the years. Married to a great woman, with a great boss these days at the hospital, and some really cool Xanga friends to boot. I guess somebody’s watching over me.
I have a hunch ,and I can assure you yours is not an uncommon behavior. I have tolerated ,and even encouraged relationships between myself and people who were not a good fit.with me…my theory is that if there is something we would redo if we could and we can’t…some important relationship with a parent ,sibling ,child or lover…if there is a person who somehow triggers a sense of that dynamic we may engage just to see if it might have a different outcome….that is my take. I hope you do write through your break away piece because a lot of women are interested in how one gets there..I think are right to say that the long term results may be different then what one first feels has happened…but here is a thought…they might have been just as angry had you stayed….sometimes the anger is about the dynamic not the fix…and the person it is leveled at is the one they are more confident will love them no matter what….ryc The lady does look smug..possibly kept…but kept is a term that also makes one think of a cage….I do think the word you used was spelled correctly but I will not attempt to spell it here…no…no phonetics..no attempt
“So, again, I spent two hours curled up in bed with the wrong person.” That is a wonderful line. Your writing is growing very strong.
Follow your heart, Prudy. You’re growing smarter about people all the time, and your heart remembers. I can’t imagine the tangles. My own silly trials and musing pale in comparison, and I know that time will only complicate things if I let it. Hugs.
Congratulations on the writing! Excellent post! I too, find it both exciting and scary to be able to move through the cathartic experience of self examination. To look at the good beside the bad, the gains and the losses. We are becoming our own caretakers; comforting ourselves with the love, forgiveness, and wisdom that we have gained along our journey. Gaining strength in our spiritual and creative legs.
I think I can personally relate to this post. We are meant to have intimate fellowship with one another, I believe it is in our nature; but the wisdom to select where we place our pearls is a great gift from life which is an excellent teacher. I cleaned out my “friendship” closet many years ago. It is almost bare now but I have a few friends of true worth who hold qualities that sustain me. Yes, there has been loss, but not having the entanglements has been worth it.
Moving out. That’s heavy duty stuff. I try not to think about it.
Letting people back into your heart: Sometimes it can be worth it. I reconstructed a friendship (a woman I’d known since I was 7 years old) and it turned out great. We got honest, finally, with each other and it was better than it had ever been. Sometimes it can be crap. I let another woman back in, despite some doubts, and she came with tons of baggage I just can’t handle. Now I’m in the process of pulling away again, and it’s awful. I think you just have to trust your gut and maybe think about how well you really knew them in the first place, what kind of friendship it was. As for old lovers – no way. People do change, but where there’s a history of pain, even if you’ve forgiven/been forgiven, the scars are constant reminders and we are made up of our memories. With lovers, the good times don’t quite cover up the painful ones, ever.
Just my half cent’s worth.
This is one I cannot relate to. I have always had a few close friends rather than numerous light ones. The light ones are something I’ve learned to do as an adult, here in this neighborhood with its social parties and such. Prior to that, people were either friends or not. But neighbors for the most part, with two exceptions, are people that I can not have a deep conversation with. I smile and wave as I walk by their houses—but few of them know me, really.They’re not friends; they’re acquaintances. And when one of them starts bubbling over into the “too much information” category, I’m outta there. I don’t want to hear about their husbands, misbehaving children, church life, or politics. It drains me too much to just listen and I’ve learned they don’t listen anyway but just speak.
You’ve got some great comments.
I think that often we pull away from unequal friendships without letting the other person know why we don’t want to spend time with them anymore- and they lose the opportunity to grow from the experience. I know for myself I don’t like to tell people why I’m not interested in spending time with them. But I know that I’ve had friendships grow cold without the foggiest idea why.
SURE you basically ignore most of my posts…but got a new talent up there today
RYc I knew that word ” kept”,meant kept safe or treasured or satisfied,,:),and the cage is there for both of us,,,the bars being mutual respect,,and a common purpose when we try to meet our challenge as parents,,,I have heard statistics that would put my marriage at increased risk because of my son’s needs but in our case it has deepened the bond because we each understand what the other feels both the good and the sad….
likely you still crave something and atm, these people provide it, even if unhealthy
I did the sneak thing too…he went away with friends for a weekend to work a ren-fair…i wiped our acct, it was payday, took my name from it, had friends move all my stuff into an apt and then i hid cause i knew hed come looking
and he did, for hours with his friend, they were both angry and if they found me it would have been bad, thankfully they didnt…i didnt see him in person for 2 months…it was best for us both
ryc: i think saline, i’ll have to ask her, i wonder too
Boundaries? We’re supposed to have boundaries?
Seriously, though, I have trouble with this stuff too. I got myself in trouble with Lucy a while back because she confides different things to different people that we know in common, and I had to learn the hard way that it’s best to just not talk about Lucy. Period.
Another friend recently asked me if I had reconnected with a woman we both knew but with whom I had “broken up” last May. The answer was no, and I know that on the off chance we ever became friendly again I would have to be a bit distant to protect myself. Which is to say, not really friendly.
i am envious of your ability to write right now. my eyes are refusing to cooperate with being at the computer this week and i find that i can’t concentrate longer than a few minutes. so write away. you’re churning out great stuff i’m sure!
I was wrong, its silicone. Apparently, as she told me today in her half drugged, groggy voice, only breast cancer patients there are allowed the silicone, the rest must use saline. Dunno if thats all over or just at this hospital system.
I have a terrible time with boundaries to, especially with my family. And with friends, I sometime avoid them, rather than being forthright – but once in a while, I run into a situation where I must be totally honest, which usually ends up in a friendship diminished.
RYC I will take it under advisement….but if I eliminate coffee I will have no bad habits…:) actually I do know I should be more moderate…
RYC—TRIED to write something personal…it SUCKED
I think when you are drawn to people who aren’t a positive in your life- that perhaps you have something to offer them that will help them get to a positive area of their own life….
RYC—THe Sirius farce is gonna blow sky high when Howard Stern hits 10 million subscribers this xmas
HALF of the way to be market savvy is to see pass all the BS the SEC lets get over
I left someone once that way..packed up everything and got a ticket to seattle..it was liberating, scary…when writing physically hurts you are really getting somewhere…
I forgot to comment on the amount of loss. I doubt anyone realizes the level of loss when you get divorced. But I personally cannot imagine still being married, cannot imagine how me or the kids would be. I’d still do it. But I assumed that somehow I’d be with someone at this point, remaking “the family” rather than being the perpetual single mom. So even though I ddn’t realize how much I was giving up (every other major holiday supposedly!), I’d still do it again.
ryc: Thank you for that. You are some sort of inuitive. I’m feeling pretty damned lucky.
Hi! I just added one of your fellow Portlanders and blog subs to my list. Jassmine.
come read the rest of the story. Your commentary would be greatly appreciated.
Hug, Lana
Thank you Pru. I appreciate those comments. You do have the sense I need to hear. I will be getting to the heart of the matter soon. But with the family dynamic, I am still beating around the bush. I can tell you that I started writing the deal out in the old blog (editing the way back for privacy but also for a record, 11/7/5 it begins). But as for going public, I have to wait until others are stabilized.