April 17, 2006
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Growing up, Easter meant baskets and a hunt. I don’t remember any special dinner, and we didn’t go to church. I’ve forgotten much of my childhood but I’d remember if the cousins came over. That was a bi-annual event reserved for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was the only time we went to my dad’s brother’s house, and my mother would always take me shopping for an expensive outfit at Christmas. But it would be in lieu of a Christmas present. I think my sister wore my hand-me-downs.
I married into a family who did holidays up right. The grandparents came, and we all got solid chocolate bunnies from Van Dynes, something I wasn’t accustomed to. Lots to drink and leg of lamb, we even did an Easter egg hunt those first couple years. I latched onto his family like I was one of theirs. We had Thanksgiving with them, which cut visits to my mother’s in half. That seemed like plenty. But then my dad remarried, again, and started doing a dessert thing just before Christmas. It was always nice to see everyone, and, without my mother’s toxic energy, we found we enjoyed each other.
My brother now seems to have taken on a patriarchal role. My youngest sister is moving up the corporate ladder suddenly, and the middle sister, who left her family last summer, is beginning to cuss. I no longer occupy the position I held. I am still the oldest but I have stepped down, no longer enjoying the lifestyle I suppose they envied. We are getting to know each other all over again, especially since I’ve moved around the corner from my brother, which came as a total surprise after I moved in and recognized the street name. We have all aged in our own peculiar ways. Sometimes we remind me of the eccentric family Anne Tyler writes about.
Easter was a new event for us. I admit I planned it so I wouldn’t have to fuck around with my kids and their last-minute “maybe we can come for brunch, maybe we can come for dinner but we have to wait to see what dad’s doing” bullshit. I’m tired of it. Next Easter I’m going to church and I thought if I started a new tradition of dinner, when I announced I was going to church next year it wouldn’t be at the expense of their brunch.
I also have enjoyed our little meetings this past year where we all bring something, we drink lots of wine, and we grouse about our mother, under the guise of sharing information and opinions about her latest decline and what we are supposed to do about it.
My middle daughter announced she was coming by for a drink. She and the Baptist are quite close now. I found myself wishing she hadn’t come, knowing she would report back to her dad’s camp the nature of what she’d overheard.
There was some in-fighting among the siblings last night. This is new for us. We were so distant growing up that, even though my sister and I shared a room (not the overweight one, she’s ten years younger) we weren’t close enough to fight. The youngest sister is very domineering and, because my brother is the executor of the estate, they were vying for position. The Baptist is trying to spearhead a separate camp, saying that because she and I are mothers we are more inclined to take responsibility for others when they are unable to make rational decisions for themselves. I think there is some merit to this and agreed with her over the phone but kept my mouth shut last night, busying myself with dinner. My daughter got grossed out and left, which was good because it only got worse.
Dinner was fabulous and I think we all felt more like family after the kind of bickering we must have done when we were little. After dinner the middle sister brought lemon bars to the table.
“Oh,” I said, “I love lemon bars.”
“They’re my favorite,” said my brother, reaching for one.
The youngest is finicky so I was surprised when she agreed. We all love lemon. My dad liked lemon cake and I remember a couple birthdays my mother made him one but we sure never had lemon bars. In fact, we never had dessert unless it was a birthday dinner.
It seems so odd to be getting reacquainted with grown siblings. There were advantages to the distance and it might get ugly but it’s nice to be part of a family again.
Comments (15)
I could place me and my siblings into the spaces occupied by yours. We are experiencing the same things as you and yours are now. We are stumbling and bumbling into each other, but every now and then we will have a lemon moment. When that happens it allows us the common ground to tolerate the other unpleasantness. Who knew?
A lot of us see ourselves in this that you share…its funny how important adult siblings can be to each other….and how challenging it can be to agree about family matters….RYC Gerta has moved in with the fellow next door…she is sixty four ,he is sixty eight ,and they seem happy. She visited us yesterday, her health is better.
I was in the middle of writing another comment to you when the power went out here…we are having rolling blackouts from the heat…in April…
I was telling you how I ate all but an inch of the biggest chocolate bunny Husband brought me. Man, it was good. And I only stopped because it felt silly to eat the whole thing, even though I could have, easily. It stood at least 8″ tall. It makes me laugh just thinking about it…and you were right, I put manuvered it into my mouth on the side that wasn’t sore…hahahaha. Good times.
Adult sibblings can be an important part of life, I am glad you are getting reaquainted with yours, Judi
I am one of 11 children, second eldest, first girl born. As I have stated before I have one brother (who just had a new baby boy this past weekend) that I communicate with. I understand about the…“There were advantages to the distance and it might get ugly but it’s nice to be part of a family again.” statement. It is a little scary to think about my family inviting me back into the fold. I am so free right now and as you said it might get ugly but I miss them and would love to have relationship with them…but I am not sure that they know how to be in loving, honest intimate relationships. I have tried too many times and gotten burned. But perhaps someday we will all sit around a plate of lemon bars and get reacquainted. I can always hope.
Sometimes I think a little disagreement is better than walking on eggshells. At least you know you can speak as freely as you’d like, eaves dropping aside, and still be with each other as family. I share that wonder at what may come between and among us in the future. And on a lighter note, I share that yen for lemon bars too.
I like how buyit called it “a lemon moment”. . .
It’s a strange phenomenon, indeed, getting reacquainted with grown-up siblings. I could write a book-length comment but will spare you. I feel fortunate to be finally back in contact with all my sibs, brought back in touch as we were with my Mom’s passing. But we’re so far apart. Even email is an effort, it seems. Mom was the central spoke of the contact wheel, and with her gone, now we’re having to make the connections ourselves. It’s interesting.
I sound this sentence almost unbelievable. I remember, as a kid, my Uncles and Aunts “debating” but I am starting to wonder why I don’t fight with anyone,except one guy I worked with, and he is dead now. Cheers
I know what you mean by reunion. I’m feeling that way, and, for the first time, want to do family dinners even though I don’t yet have the space to do it.
This post didn’t exactly go off in different directions, it held together around the dinner (which interestingly wasn’t actually described, only the dessert), but all the references to all the relationships over the years did, kind of like a patchwork coat, splitting at the seam a bit here, slightly baggy there, but still serviceable, in good repair, and, hey, vintage now, and so worth something, a special glow…
I spent Easter four hours from most of my everyday loved ones. I missed my uncle and cousin visiting. Apparently, the uncle thinks I don’t like him, and I hope to prove him wrong this weekend when he returns for the car that broke down. My husband doesn’t like him, because uncle ran his mouth an awful lot before we were married. Now he’s changing his ways, which everyone else accepts because that’s who uncle is, but I don’t expect Steve to forgive or like him. Then I got to talking with my brother. He said he wouldn’t be bothered if he never saw his relatives again. I said I’d be upset if I never saw him or my parents. He said it’s not the same, because we’re nuclear. He meant aunts and uncles and grandparents. I don’t agree to that extent, but my love for family has definitely become milder over the years as I’ve formed other, stronger bonds with friends and lovers. Also, growing up and moving away from the parents has made contact with the extended family less automatic. There’s work involved. I write occasional letters to one of my grandmothers, and all the “old ones” got birthday flowers this spring. Steve and I will do dinner with my favorite aunt and uncle before we hit the airport in their town and head to visit his sister and grandmother in San Antonio this May. I can’t wait for that trip! The changing family dynamics are always tough. It probably wasn’t necessary that I talked your ear off about my specifics, either. I can’t say that I understand all the nitpicky stuff of your family, but I send you my love.
I try to put myself with my siblings in this situation but come up flat. We haven’t been close, don’t know each other and what little we do know, don’t seem to like about the other. We share blood, but little else. Sometimes I wonder what it would of been like to belong to a real family, one that has a holiday celebration, a gathering without drunkedness to the excess or just a gathering of wit. We aren’t close, don’t seem to care and really aren’t interested in patching the relationships…I say all this with the exception of my sis and I. Growing up was much the same as yours with desserts on birthdays only, that and Thanksgiving for pumpkin pies. I loved this post, it really has so many layers of things to talk about. I could post a post against this and travel for miles…marilyn
Yep – Anny Tyler is a great writer…and who knew lemon could reach across time and difference and be such a connector?! :>) Glad your day went well!
My grown siblings are so much younger than I am, I can’t escape the role of “second mommy” no matter how hard I try. So I’m disowning them all. I am so much NOT a part of the family (which has been obvious for years but I refused to accept it) that nobody even asks me to bring anything for holiday dinners any more; they get planned without me and I’m an afterthought. Maybe it’s time I started having my own holiday dinners and they can have theirs and never the twain shall be involved with each other.
Lemon is a very powerful smell. There must be a lot of memories associated with it.
a bit of that coming full circle…just the way of things
the lemon thing is…neat, though id prefer not to use that word, its what comes to mind…to have those little connections to me, means a lot more
I saw your comment on ink’s site….thank you:)
How I know what your talking about…I have recently reaquainted with 2 of my 4 sisters, and my brother well, we are as you say distant. My father was killed when i was 7, so we went distant very early on.
It is odd isn’t it….but nice at the same time.
Have a great day.