April 5, 2006
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So what would you do? My mother is 82 and going senile. Or at least it seems that way. You may have gathered that I am not fond of her, nor are my brother and two sisters. The youngest just said she will pay any amount of money to hire someone; that she is emotionally unable to be involved in any kind of care. She lived at home after she moved back from LA, in order to save for a house. We totally understand. My brother is the executor of my mother’s estate and her favorite. Actually his girlfriend is the favorite, the daughter she never had. Which is fine with us because then we don’t have to talk to her at family get-togethers. Her mother is mentally ill so she thinks my mom’s not nearly as difficult. Oh, and then there’s the separated Baptist sister who is probably the most benevolent but since she’s been in therapy for a few years she is quick to face my mother with the reality of her behavior. My sister’s being difficult is how my mother sees it. I am nervous about using names for some reason so I apologize for all these confusing “she”s and “her”s.
Here’s the problem. My mother has had several altercations with the police lately. The first was when an ambulance was coming from the opposite direction and she didn’t know what to do so she pulled off into the shoulder and just about hit a policeman who had pulled a car over and was giving them a ticket. I’m not sure if she almost hit him when she pulled back out or what but he chased her down and issued her a hefty ticket. In court she called him a liar so the judge offered to get the policeman to testify. My mother declined saying she didn’t want to be any trouble. Right.
Last week she was involved in a hit-and-run. She clipped a boat trailer when she drove into a truck hauling a boat. How do you not see that? For some reason she kept going and was headed back home when the car died in front of her neighbor’s house. The guy had called the police and they got her. She told my brother that she stuck her tongue out at the cop. And he didn’t give her a ticket???????
This is just more two-year-old behavior we’ve noticed lately. And we never would have known about it had my realtor friend, who I have coffee with now in an attempt to patch things up, not asked me about the strange car in my mother’s driveway. What’s funny is that she and my mother hate each other. My mother was a complete bitch to her when she was little and it came back to bite her in the you know what.
We’ve been trying to get my mother to move out of her house and now we want her to stop driving. Any ideas for how to make this happen? Tomorrow I’m going to the DMV to see how to get her on the list of people who shouldn’t be driving. Two of us think she should never drive again. One of us wants to leave it up to her and one wants — Well, that’s the trouble we can’t agree. Any idea?
Comments (15)
aargh.. I just read an article on this very thing…she certainly does sound like a danger…. ryc: I feel like that , but hopefully I can do a bit more with my life!LOL
Take care
Her doctor can recommend to DMV she not drive anymore. This takes the pressure off you to do this. You are not the bad guy then the doctor is. You just have to go and present the evidence to him/her of the wrecks. Can she afford in home help? Will she accept it? If she won’t you would have to take her to court and have her declared
incompetent. There are buses that pick up the disabled and elderly to shop or for doctor appointments. Her doctor is the key to all of this though. Judi
This morning I woke up from a dream and promptly forgot it… until I started reading this entry… (I dreamt I hit a school bus!)
Your mom sounds like a menace on the road (and elsewhere)… someone should do something about it before she causes more harm.
Talking to her doctor is definitely a good start. I wish that every other time you go to renew your license or something, everybody would have to retake some sort of driving test. It would cost more money, but it wouldn’t be discriminatory in any way if everybody had to do it, and it would probably cut down on accidents. My mom just told me a funny but sad story about her parents and her aunt and uncle. The aunt and uncle, who are a little older, called my mom’s parents and suggested they go into an assisted living. This is funny because the aunt and uncle are more senile and should be in a home themselves. Aging with grace is not for everyone, but I hope that should I ever lose my basic faculties, I’ll be able to accept help with grace and dignity. Good luck! P.S. Cats really shouldn’t play fetch, should they? My cat does, and my sister’s cat does, though, and they’re both pros. Mine, of course, wanted to play at 11:30 last night.
Guess I’m in the minority that would just leave her to her own destruction. If she never inspired you to love her I wouldn’t now take responsibility for her actions, or make moves to supervise them.
Maybe I’d throw money at the situation, but I wouldn’t invest a lot of me. Gosh that sounds cold but it is what I think I would do.
I just realized how much BS that probably is. I was estranged from my father for 20 years, but I was the one who showed up and took care of him when he was dying.
I have been down this road with my stepmother who developed dementia. I too started at the doctor’s office.She passed her mini mental health status test the first time but failed it a month later in the hospital. It was hard stepping in.She had no viable relationships with any of her children before her decline began. She also was not inclined to cooperate with anyone. I made the decision to have her evaluated by adult protective services. What you can do is call social services…the same office you would call to report child abuse and ask for adult protective services. Describe her recent behavior and your concerns ,and if need be the family situation.You might also see if she is managing her checkbook ,or if her housekeeping has declined signifcantly.My stepmother was cultured and very intelligent and she masked her dementia well. It was by looking at her checkbook which was a shambles ,and by seeing how much her ability to keep house etc had declined that I was able to feel confident that she needed supports. They will send a social worker ( they are very tactful ) to evaluate her need for supports.If it is determined by the state that she needs to be in an assisted living facility the social worker will help you arrange it.Most likely they will recommend less drastic steps at first…like homemaker service. Job one will be getting her to give someone durable power of attorney and getting her off the road. I had the power of attorney when my stepmother fractured her pelvis and refused to be admitted to the hospital. The doctors understood that her judgement was impaired and I was able to sign her in. I am surprized that the dmv isn’t more proactive given her age.Prudence I know how difficult it is to be an advocate for someone you have no fondness for but from experience the distance between you and her is not as compelling as the need for each elder to have some family to serve as advocate. I did refuse to be her caretaker ,,,I felt my resentment made me the worst possible person for this responsibility.
All I can offer is a constant source of prayer. Haven’t been down this road yet.
On an aside, you made me laugh when you said, and it came back to bite her in the you know what. My first thought was how you usually use the name of things, ie: ass, in most instances, but for some reason here you made us bring it up ourselves. You were hesitant to use real names, so maybe it stems from that…
Dang it, now I have ASS stuck in my head.
Hitting someone and then leaving the “scene” is pretty serious it would seem. Do you know her doctor? Or is there some other professional she deals with (lawyer?)? I have no idea what I would do personally but I would do something. Seems like if she doesn’t see a truck and boat she might not see a kid on a bike. That said, be prepared for some emotional fall-out. When my uncle lost his license due to sight problems, it was devastating to his sense of happiness and control over his life.
Wow, are we are the same path or what? Maybe we have the same mother. Start at the doctor level, they can tell DMV to pull the license. It isn’t just leaving her to her own devices on the road, what if she Kills someone?? Then how will you all feel. That’s where we were with my Aunt Marie too, she kept saying so what if she killed herself, then I mentioned what if she killed someone else, someone young, or children in that wreck, that weren’t wanting to leave this earth…that made sense to her.
But the dementia sounds like what CFairy said about my mom. Frontal Lobe Dementia, google it, it makes more sense for my mom than Alzheimers. This is so tough, but really she’s a menace now, something will have to be done immediately, if your brother is execuetor, it’s up to him, and up to the rest of you to push it..
marilyn
definitely should pull her license before a major accident happens… oy… Somebody should just take her keys away besides the license.
You entries are not coming to my site automatically, even though I am subscribed…gaaaaaa. So, a site lurker I must be…
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you move through this. I have no point of reference for your situation as I have not heard from my mother in almost four years. We had a different opinion of what “relationship” is concerning honoring, honesty and personal integrity. It was all too scary for her. I do have own my responsibility in it; I went to a therapist that divulged information about my mom to people that they both knew. It was stupid of me in the first place…but I went to this Therapist at my mother’s suggestion. I just wasn’t thinking. But she has not forgiven me…Yet, but there is always hope. I wish you great peace, wisdom and discernment.
i have not had to do this yet, so i’m clueless, but in my family, my brother gets to make those decisions. he’s to consult me, but he’s free to do as he wishes, and i’m ok with that.(this is my parents spoken wishes) in my husband’s family, i’ll sit back and watch and once in awhile add my two cents.
This stuff is tough. She’s 82 and pretty soon, if she keeps getting tickets her license will be revoked anyway right? A friend just had his mother set up in elder care because the driving was the last straw for them (they cannot feasibly drive her around). She didn’t get tickets, but folks with cell phones kept reporting her plates to the police and she was eventually pulled over. I do not know what the details were, but she was made to get her vision checked and had to do a driving test. She could not pass either. But it turns out that she likes the facility. I know that sounds to good to be true, but she never had people to talk to other than her visiting grown children. She’d grown sullen and quiet. Now she’s apparently a chatterox and located so that more of her children visit her more often. She’s more safe, they’re more relieved. But they didn’t have the fights over it that so many families do. I think that must be normal. You know, it may come to a point where her wishes become moot. It would be nice if she could come to the decisions on her own, but the police amy just do it for her. Best of luck to you and all the other drivers in her vicinity!
I wish I did…my grandparents simply told my parents one day they weren’t going to drive anymore and then dold their home and moved into a community that had a car service etc or my parents helped out. Pride is such an annoying thing sometimes. Sounds like she’s really going t need help soon, whether she likes it or not.