February 28, 2006
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I am hungry for people. Maybe it’s a combination of things but I suspect that being able to reclaim the love I had for my dad, back when I thought he was Mr. Wonderful, I think getting some of that feeling back warmed me up in a way. And this is really scary but I thought about Henry the last time I masturbated. Sorry if that’s offensive to anyone but guys talk about it, I don’t know why it’s off-limits for women. Anyway, as I’m revisiting the love:) I used to have for these men in my life, even though it’s pretty tarnished, the essence is still in tact. And I am left with a feeling of being grateful for what I had or what I perceived that I had.
For the time I had no Internet, just Word, the first thing I did was start back on the book. But that brought up painful memories of lost love and after cranking out a couple new chapters, I had to take it in to get fixed anyway. So then I started calling friends, getting out more. And again, this group of women I’ve been meeting with every Monday night, the grief group, something about the intimacy there has opened me up, too.
I went to this crab feed with my brother and his girlfriend, over the weekend. You know, where you sit at long tables with strangers and eat with your hands. The guy running the fundraiser was a friend of my brother’s and so we were lucky recipients of some of the “water” [read ouzo] that he divvied out to a select few. He’d walk around with a water bottle full of clear liquid and give his friends a little splash.
Then I went to the Home and Garden Show by myself and had a great time people watching. I don’t seem to have the itch like I usually do this time of year. I ended up sitting on a bench, eating my sack lunch, when a guy my age sat down next to me. Pretty soon some friends of his came up and it turns out that the guy next to me is in charge of the huge lake of a display that was the focal point of this year’s show. Without being too obvious I turn to get a better look at him. Sure enough, he’s tall, handsome, and I suspect gay. GORGEOUS with a starched white shirt, jeans, and black loafers with no socks. Damn.
Today I went to lunch with Marla. It’s been a while since she’s got a new job where she goes to New York a lot. She’s the one I met at Weight Watchers when I moved over here. I named my first daughter (in the book) after her. She’s about a size 8 now and beautiful as ever. There’s something about her that’s familiar, even though she’s a lot younger and I’ve only known her a year. Being with her is what it used to be like being with Melissa. That’s my estranged realtor friend I grew up with. I guess we’re not estranged anymore but we might as well be. So, yeah, I am enjoying being with real live bodies: humanity. I am hungry for humanity.
Comments (17)
The balance between inner and outer lives is the hardest for me. I need time alone but I crave connection with people. Trying to find that happy medium is very difficult and the right mix doesn’t seem to be the right mix for too long. RYC: What’s making you nervous? Business or personal?
I am so glad you recognize the hunger. Life is, for me at least, a about relationships. Cheers.
As writers we need to go live. So go live, just make sure and come back here to write about it.
I’ve missed your people observations. This feels more like the you I first knew.
Love when you talk about people too. You have such a gentle yet forceful way of presenting things. Your view is always a treasure that you share with us. Thanks again for painting such vivid feelings. marilyn
it HAS been awhile. I don’t think women masturbating should be off limits tho, I must admit, I’d have to take it to protected to know who’s reading about such a personal revealing. I like that line: Hungry for Humanity… My favorite pasttime, people watching. You are in a space that’s interesting to follow. Are you talking about the Garden show in Seattle? I missed going. … the store, yah, I opened one for the images I’m willing to give away for practically free. I have too many as it is to hang on to.
What did you think? I have so many more to add….
I, too, love when you talk about people, and love, and crabs, and boys. Masturbating is groovy, too. My brother reads my blog, but if I felt the whim, I’d probably say “too” much, too. A kindred spirit, you. I love looking at people’s feet. And hands. Foot and hand rubs, paying homage, fingertips and dancing. Write more often, if you can! I miss you.
get out their and enjoy yourself
johnny in south carolina
It’s a constant struggle, I’m a very private person and tend to be a loner but sometimes I just crave other human interaction…when the four legged kind just won’t do
It’s always a struggle.
You know, if you knew how long it took me to realize that ydurp was prudy spelled backwards…okay I just figured it out about two minutes ago. Do you know how long I’ve tried to figure out what ydurp meant? Trying to figure out what language or myth or history it might be tied to… garrr
RYC: No, Tom doesn’t know what Carl did, He’d never believe it anyway. When my other brother Willi and I say mom used to beat us, Tom just says, Well, she never did me, so I don’t believe you…
Also, the diet for Ph is done every 3 days with saliva. Mary the Ph lady takes a sample and puts it into a machine, then the diet it given. It is very slim pickins..several dozen things not hundreds. Mom’s right now is turkey, every other day, one egg daily, one avocado daily, oatmeal daily, zucchini, broccoli, spinach, green onions, shallots, rice, celery. I can’t think of many more, oh Buffalo, that was recently added, like one a week, and white fish, lettuce and also recently a little butter. Not many things I tell ya. Joels herbs are really the thing that has the tumors leaving though. marily
there is something very parallel going on with many people in an unrelated but almost unanimous way…thank you ..sorry, I have not read your posts more lately…must get them in more often…
into all things, you are you, wonderful and full…when realized, how much more than we even suspect that can fully be…
jm
I am hungry for humanity in small portions.
the dashes you didn’t understand in my last post indicate a place to pause before reading on.
dan
sounds like you are right where you are supposed to be right now!
Go for it girl just reach out and make friends, Judi
As far as I’m concerned, it’s not off limits for women. . .
Crab feed–yummy!
Oooh get humanity while the getting is good, that is when you still like it! Too often the dark comes in with the nightly news and human contact seems scandalous. You know, I think you’re on to something. I was beginning to think that I’d be better off a hermit, but maybe getting in to contact with new people will shake that fog. I already am feeling lifted after reading this! Spirits are rising, Pru must be back!