February 27, 2006
-
I got my computer back from the shop Friday afternoon.
Okay I wrote that sentence a minute ago and couldn’t think what else to say. Me.
I’m not feelin it.
I thought of something after all. I did the collage on my dad tonight and I’m alarmed to realize that he and I are somewhat alike. I bought two men’s magazines after I found a picture in each one I could use. Once I got them home I found all kinds of stuff I never would have thought of. Like when he was married to wife #2 he discovered he LOVED Arizona. I found a perfect picture of the kind of rock formation he liked. I found in big bold letters, in just the right color, “OUR PLACE.” We used to go to this old Italian place for lunch all the time. My cousin told me how much he looked forward to those lunches. I found a big, red i which I placed in the middle of the page. There was a full page spread of a beautiful ski slope and at the bottom I put “the path of least resistance.” I found the word sex in red bold font that seemed perfect. My dad did most of his thinking with his dick. There was a picture of a guy golfing whose stance reminded me of my dad’s. And I found a really tan guy showing off a watch, which I covered up with a plate of spaghetti. My dad had a lumberyard and when he wasn’t in and out of the yard he was on the golf course plus he had olive skin like me so he was always very tan. I also found the words “Simple Elegance,” which seemed perfect.
My dad was this handsome, friendly, kind-hearted, easy-going guy who everybody loved. Especially women. And he liked them. The part that I related to, besides the ease thing, was that he had all these hobbies he was passionate about. He loved jazz, all music really. He built his own speakers and would lie in the dark on the living-room floor, exactly in the middle of his woofers sp? He and his buddies built a golf course and every Wed night he’d play golf and then bridge with them. He took up jewelry-making between wife number 2 and 3. Another thing that’s like me is he was a health nut. Even before Adelle Davis he was eating fresh food and whipping up drinks. He loved to eat but had a perfect body, He also had great hair. He was one of those healthy, attractive people who didn’t much care what kind of car he drove or how much money he had. He didn’t seem to pay too much attention to anything besides having a good time. Who does that sound like? Actually, I’m not so much like that anymore.
I saw a trendy-looking picture of nails — The kind you hammer — and remembered how he built my bedroom in the basement. And I’d forgotten how he’d taught us how to ski and for two winters, my junior and senior year, we’d go up every weekend, during the season.
The grief counselor said something about when that person dies, if they were close to you, part of your identity dies with them. That stuck a chord with me because when I found out what a schmuck my dad was and then when he died right away, I felt like part of me was gone. I didn’t have a dad and the dad I thought I had wasn’t really him. But looking at those pictures, remembering all the good stuff, seeing myself in him — I’m proud to be his daughter again.
Comments (15)
And the hospital?
this is great. focusing on what was good is always healthy.
man, i love that. my dad and i had issues at the end of his life, but for most of my life i idolized him. i’m gonna do a collage…and maybe not stop at him, but do all my pain in the ass family. i will most likely find my ass is way bigger than theirs.
This was extremely interesting to see the progress you’ve made inside you. I can certainly feel the difference in your choice of words as to how much you really loved this man. You know people/parents do the best they can at the time, with the knowledge they have and hopefully when they know better, they do better. Hard to see sometimes during grief, not just death/grief, but grief at how our lives change when that person isn’t in it anymore…I really enjoyed this post. marilyn
my dad sounds a lot like what your dad was like– a ladies man, and he also made beautiful jewelry– he won a bunch at poker one time and invested in some jeweler’s stuff with which to cut/polish real gems…
your dad didn’t gamble to supplement his day job too, did he?
Missed you lots. That collage sounds like excellent therapy. I’m glad you seemed to learn so much, and I’m glad you shared it with us. Even if he was a schmuck who always thought with his dick, you can appreciate the good and bad about him, realize who he was as a person, as a whole. Yes, I missed you.
…this is amazing, such a rich and detailed description of a man, your father, and your memories and feelings while making the collage… you bring the tactile world into the writing of this healing of grief… as you always do, making it so much more powerful and immediate.
that is good movement..jm
^ what they said! you have been doing a lot of hard work and i bet you are a bit tender emotionally right now. take care of yourself during this process, ok?
Are you feeling at peace with this now? Judi
It’s an interesting way to work through grief – rather than writing it out (which is what I would normally do), everything is visual. it sounds like you are making progress. it is likely not very easy work.
I’ve missed you too.
It seems you’re seeing your dad as a person, beyond being your dad. I think it’s hard to see the “whole” person when we have such a tightly defined role in our minds of some people, parents in particular. And our vision/interpretation/definition of those roles are fed by societal mores. There is a good and bad in all of us, or at least in someone’s knowledge of us. I still don’t think you need to “forgive” the bad parts. But it’s neat that you’re remembering the good parts. It’s a more whole picture that way. Btw, he sounds like a great character for a novel!
Yeah for your computer! It’s been a while, right? The synergywith YOUR computer will kick in soon. Relax and give it time.
this was good to read and im sure, even better for you to write
sounds like you are gaining some closure
You built this essay up like the collage. Right along with the collage. Wow, that is one interesting technique to build such a moving picture. And not to short the personal aspect, you made me cry. I am happy for you, so they were sweet tears. What hard work to get there. But it was worth it wasn’t it? I’ll echo these folks and hope that you take it easy, but it seems you’ve been taking care of yourself with purpose and direction by going through this process too. This was a beautiful piece in and of itself, but also because of the context of you.
Also, I am sorry that I haven’t been here for days. It’s been a bit of a freaky time over here. I missed you and I am just grinning right now that you are back!
ryc: nail on head woman!