January 24, 2006
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Tonight was the first, in a six-part series, of classes entitled Journey Through Grief. I got a call over the weekend, asking me who I would be grieving the loss of. I said my dad. Even saying it sounded like a lie; I’ve never shed one tear over him. But then that’s why I signed up.
It’s a team effort, with a retired chaplain and a social worker leading our group of ten. The social worker’s specialty is hospice and palliative care, showing patients and their families the way; helping with death. The retired chaplain has started these groups for various hospitals, after patient’s families expressed a need, having no idea how to navigate the process of saying good-bye.
I originally signed up with the idea that I could better help the patients I see in the hospital; know more about how to act around grief. Sarah, the nurse, was giving the Breast Cancer Outreach Program an overview of this journey through grief. And when we went around the room, talking about our experiences with death, it was overwhelming. Enough so that it was decided we would form our own group on grief.
Everyone, as we went around the circle tonight, told tearful stories of how their person died, what the funeral was like and how much they still missed them. Everyone but me. No one had to hand me the Kleenex box, as I described the way my father lied to us about his illness. He lied to us about his financial affairs with the family business, swindling his own brother and children. Pretty much his whole life was one big lie.
And I lied, too. I never let on that I knew what he’d done. And I let him pretend he wasn’t dying.
I didn’t have much of a story to tell as I never went to the funeral, I never said good-bye, and I don’t miss him. But then that’s why I went, so that I can.
On a brighter note, I stole this from pea_patch:
Your Personality Profile
Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.
You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.
You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.
You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.
A good friend, you always give of yourself first.
Comments (31)
I would very much like to attend a group like this. I probably need it
What you are doing isn’t about him at all, but it is about you. It is a very brave thing, I think. 
When people hurt you that much, when they steal something vital from you (and I don’t mean money, I hope that’s obvious), I think it’s natural that you not miss them. I mean, what would you be missing? The oportunity for them to lie and steal from you some more? I think you grieve over what you never had rather than what you are missing. And that’s a different process than what this class was about, and different than the normal grieving over someone you loved and miss. You need to grieve for the relationship you were robbed of by his actions. And maybe you’ve already done that. Or maybe there’s no way to do that and you just accept it.
Prudy, You are one of the brightest, most animated people I know. Your parents dealt you a rough lot in life. Harsh actually. I feel for you and your siblings. I actually feel like you have worked to overcome a lot and past so much of what you learned to your children. It’s all learned and you didn’t dwell on the childhood you never really had. I hope this class helps.
Every comment I wrote sounded idiotic. So how’s this: the group sounds interesting. I’m not a group gal, so I am interested to know what happens when others go and then can share it with me.
The personality test seems to be true here
How do you find such interesting classes to take? I need you next door to me, so I can make you tea and beg you to take me out to do girly grown up things and attend classes with you. I hope you approach some kind of peace regarding your father. Everybody grieves differently. It doesn’t have to be a wailing or a gnashing of teeth. I’ve written a lot about my paternal grandfather in the past. Sometimes I was worried about how much he affected me in life but how little he did in death. I’m okay with it, though. We’re interested in how things progress, love.
I wonder about the process when you have nothing to add, like when will your stuff bubble up, so to speak? This ought to be very interesting, thanks for sharing, as usual you pull us along for the ride in a very interestng fashion..marilyn
I have been down this road,,,there is how we are suppose to feel and what we feel, It is possible you may have to grieve for a relationship that wasn’t rather then the man that was…..,,,I do understand,,,,
There are so many positives about your life right now – and you do a lot to turn negatives into positives. I am always awestruck by your desire to learn new things and grow past old pain.
I have learned that we don’t have to miss or mourn people that have hurt us, just because they no longer walk this earth. Why give them the credence in death that they did not earn in life?
I agree with InkStainedFingers. And with Miashineon. And another thing I’ve learned is that sometimes you have to go through the grieving process for someone who is still alive, a grief for the person you wanted them to be or thought they should be. I had to grieve for the mother I wanted but didn’t get long before the mother I actually had passed away.
there are lots of ways to grieve, and tears aren’t the only way. you may still be grieving the loss of your father (before he died) from his betrayal and not ready to grieve the loss of his physical body… give yourself time and don’t worry about how many tissues you need. you may complete all six classes and still not be ready to say goodbye… so be it!
So you can….do you think youve truely begun? Did this first class help?
Closure is an important thing to find keep looking but perhaps you already have it and don’t recognise it. Judi
do hope you work out your grief concerning your dad
johnny in south carolina
If there are any flaws in the telling, I don’t see them. I feel this story, this entry, as with all of yours to date, as if a friend were confiding in me. I did stop with “Everyone but me.” but I was supposed to, and it was that moment that brought me into it fully, made me compassionate and understanding of grief in a new way. You make me feel lucky to have had the grief that I have over lost ones. You’re in your writing and it is enlightening from that brave perspective. Oh, it makes me want to hug you. I hope this series does give you some of what you are so courageously seeking.
Here is an article talking about Dell making computers with AMD chips instead of Intel (I mentioned the idea to you a little while back):
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20060125/bs_nm/davos_dell_amd_dc
Interesting, though I personally think you are within your rights to NOT feel particularly grief-stricken.
At least twice you said “but that’s why I signed up.” Are you trying to understand why you haven’t grieved for your father, or trying to find out how to grieve (a need you can’t express)? I would be very interested to hear what you learn from this group. The personality test sounds like the you I read here.
RYC: We know that the Oxycodine is habit forming but right now she doesn’t have a choice, the pain is so great she can’t go to sleep so something had to be done. Once the tumor shrinks some more we will try it without it..the rate it is shrinking it shouldn’t be more than 3-4 weeks. thanks for the concern, I appreciate the input..marilyn
I laughed HARD when I read your comment. And it has made me happy all day.
When I suck, you call me on it. When I rock, you are the comment that ALWAYS makes me happy to be a writer.
I think it is you who rocks. Chick-a-chick-a-bow-wow!
I have the world’s shortest personality. Its teeny. I’m frightened to do the quiz in case I lose myself entirely
You are doing a very good thing for your mental health. Denial is my strongest enemy and my biggest defense.
I hope all is engaging and well with you. Thank you for your comments they always carry weight.
HI. You know something? My grandfather on my father’s side, had cancer of the esophagus at the end. He had extensive surgery. He was back at work (plumber). He had been in remission. But he had a relapse. Then he was back in the nursing home. Then, he told the nurse that he just wanted to die. 1/2 hour later he was dead. I was 14, and I took the call. That was very weird. Although we were expecting it. “Will you tell Mr. Bass that his father passed away.” Kinda like that. Hmm. He was a man who was known to have a drink now and then, let’s be nice and put it that way. I’ve been having a few drinks myself this evening. At a German bar and restaurant primarily, where they had smoked beer, I love it.
I’ve shed some tears over the death of my parents but not for the reasons that most do–that they had wonderful relationships, they miss them so move, loved them so much, etc. Mine are for what could have been. I don’t mean I’ve wept buckets full–I save that for my pets–but just enough to drip a little. But you know as well as I do that everyone deals with death differently.
ryc: I’ve been through the “son departure” thing before with my oldest son. I just didn’t remember how painful that was. You never do until you’re in the middle of it again. Kinda like giving birth.
Thank you, Prudy, yes I seem to be taking pretty good care of myself I guess, not overdoing it, it’s raining in NYC right now and I’m relaxing at home, on the computer yet again, and as you may have noticed…not only do I have a foot fetish, but I’m quite a faghag, and have been for about as long as I can remember. I enjoy the submissive role in those relationships. I just took a shower, and ate a can of salmon, one of my favorite foods for lunch on a lazy Sunday afternoon. TTYL. Randy.
ryc: Brevis is latin for brief. I was referring to the length of my supposed sabbatical that really never was. But I like your title suggestion much better it doesn’t have to rely on previous information.
And by the way, remember when you wrote to me about palliative care? Well, my aunt is receiving that as I write and it has been a great comfort to her and us. It will be soon now, but she is not in pain. She has the IV morphine now and has said all of her good byes. She is a peace with her life. When she was lucid yesterday, she was actually complaining that her body would not shut down. She said that her mother and two other relatives who have passed were in the room and waiting patiently for her. She mentioned that she wanted to be with them so much and she was angry that she just kept breathing. Today, my mother told me that she was getting a bit cranky with all the living people around her. She just wants to go. It won’t be long and I for one feel like rejoicing for her when her body finally releases her. I didn’t think I would feel this way. But she has let us all know that she is ready, even anxious to go. I don’t know what you believe about the spirit world for sure, still I bet you have heard things similar to this. But her saying that she was among the dead already, the dead that love her and know her, well that just makes me feel so much more at ease. And I believe it now.
Sorry to be depressing and all, but you’re that person who I feel comfortable telling this to. What luck you have!
Thanks, B
i guess i SHOULD be grieving the loss of my *ambitition* to write, but who cares
And contrary to what you may think, that Brian James dude just makes me more cognizant of how futile it all was…KNOWING you did a masterpiece that maybe a hundred people will see is a colossal waste of time.
Pru, when my maternal grandfather died, the only tears I cried were for my mother. He was a child molester. I truly hated him.
It was many years before I was able to let go of the hate… Before I could separate the man from his actions. I know he walke his path according to whatever agreements his soul made before coming here, and I know he was still a child of the Universe. (And, therefore, he’s got many lives to “make up” for the things he did…)
I still don’t grieve him, but I am no longer bound by the feelings I had for him. My son believes the opposite of Love if Hate. I’ve told him, no…it’s apathy. I am apathetic about my grandfather, and I believe that’s okay. I no longer judge him, nor carry any of the negative influences he forced into my life.
Whatever you do and however you do it, when grieving, is the “right” way.
I’m very interested in what your support group has to say…
I love you…GFW
I agree with PeaPatch, it’s a good thing that you’re doing….it’s something you need for yourself, to cope.
I’m wondering why you are taking this class? Do you feel there is greif there that you haven’t gotten out? Denial? I shed a lot of tears at death.. tho, I imagine I won’t have many for my real dad. Sad as that is but that is on his conscience to fix. Not mine. ….
i’ve yet to feel grief about my mother’s death. she was the abuser in the family. my father’s, when i was 16, still grieves me at 63. you are brave, you know that. kudos