December 31, 2005
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It’s probably a waste of good material to throw it up like this, without trying to digest it. I should go to bed and sleep on it; dump it on you in the morning. Tonight was our post-Christmas celebration at my sister’s new apartment. Instead of exchanging presents, we all got her stuff for the apartment and my brother brought his tools so he could put everything together. Linen rack, shoe rack, book shelf. Oh, how I wished I were good with tools. Instead I drank most of the bottle of wine I brought, while my mother pissed us all off.
It’s a trade-off, now that my mother is a guest and not the host. For years she was too busy in the kitchen to talk very much. Then she came to our houses but she was on her best behavior in front of my husband’s mother and father and my sister’s family. But now that it’s just the family of origin we’re right back where we started. Only now we can talk back.
She’s rewriting history. Again. When my father pulled this really sleazy thing with the family business and the stock that was supposed to be in our names, she divulged all this stuff about him. My mother finally let us know what kind of creep he really was. About that time he got cancer and died.
So now that everything’s died down and he’s probably resting in peace, my mother starts backpedaling, changing the stories. It just felt so sick to be sitting around, having her tell us how it really was, like we should give a shit. Bringing up old stuff, stirring up old wounds, almost like she was trying to get a rise out of us but using the opportunity to go on record with this latest version. I could have walked over there and bashed her head in. Yeah, I have issues.
But here’s little miss I’ll-follow-you-blindly telling her to basically shut the fuck up. Nobody’s ever given my mother a talking to until tonight. But my newly independent sister got all riled up and let her have it. And it felt like the mob mentality like we were all going to jump her. My brother and I got up and went in the kitchen while she was yelling, to exchange looks I guess.
This is just such old stuff to be dragging up. And since there has been an announcement that Henry’s getting married in July we had to talk about how I felt about that. Worse yet, I had to listen to how they felt about it. I listened to my family and it was the kind of talk they make TV shows out of with an overbearing mother and four maladjusted kids. No amount of wine made it tolerable.
Comments (35)
Sounds like a hard hurtful night. Peace be with you for the New Year Judi
I’m so sorry, Honey. There comes a time when we have to just let those people who don’t plan on spiritually evolving just exist as they are, when no amount of love will make a difference.
I’ve got some difficult family members, too. And I used to be one of the mouthiest people I know (…a lower…ahem…scorpio). I finally reached a point where I just figured: Fine! If they intend to spend their whole lives being ***whatever***…GREAT! They have their own paths to walk…and I’d respect that.
That doens’t mean I like it or approve…but I can decide how I react, how much of my precious energy I want to spend on other people’s issues.
That…is so liberating…
Happy New Year, Lady…and it will be…And Another Xanga Year, to Us!
I love you…GFW
May I share with you what I experienced on Thanksgiving with my mother. Now it pales in comparison to your entry but the message may still be the same. I finally figured out that our parents don’t want to be forgotten. They want to leave an indelible impression on this earth that says they were here. If you mother is re-writing history it may be because she recognizes once she is gone there’s nothing that says she was here. (this goes outside of her progenies) I mean her way of seeing the world will go with her. Therefore she may be dumping it all on you all for prosterity.
What I wish is that all of our parents exercised their power of the pen, this way they don’t have to push their views on us, the children, but leave it in a journal of sorts. See we here have found Xanga, it records our view of the world. Every parent, ever person needs to do the same so this way there will be less dog piling and dumping on us the kids, and we the parents don’t have to ” wash, rinse, repeat” the cycle . 
I’m so glad I found you. Thank you for leaving the most awesome comments everywhere it pulled me right to you. Happy New Year, and here’s to an awesome 2006!
bleck!!! family- the greatest joy and biggest pain- all rolled into a ball of love, guilt, and the desire to murder someone (mentally at least)… survival is critical—sorry you had to have a night like that… sucks all the joy out of it!
Damn. I have some stories– doozies of stories, regarding my mother and stuff she’s said and done. I love my mother… but man, her and your mom can go toe to toe when it comes to ruining peoples’ moods.
(and your sharing this made me feel somewhat like my family and I are not so very out-of-the-norm weird after all.)
Some things that pop into my head while reading your post have to do with my mother..gee where do I begin..Seems everytime I try to call her on her Bullshit as I call it, She screams at me “You Make Me Cry”, then I think of all the times that she would beat me until I cried, then beat me until I QUIT..wow..roll reversal is what I call it. I am the only sibling to ever go toe to toe over and over again, simply because everyone else just lets her push their buttons until they simply won’t be around her..For Christmas my mother sat at home alone, while one brother lives 4 miles away, another 15 miles away, and two grandchildren with greatgrandchildren both live minutes away…but no invitations from any of them because she always pulls her Shit on them..sad..but she created it and has to take the knocks…still somewhat uncomfortable to watch..sorry to unload but that was what came up for me…marilyn
As a writer, it sounds entertaining. As a fellow human, it sounds excrutiating. I often see you & Nicky Jett in the same places, (Jer & Nyjoce). So I just came by to wish you a Happy New Year!
One of the reasons i don’t post chrismassy stuff is because around this time of year a lot of family & friends either died or were in the process of dying…that combined with all the damn tourists in Manhattan getting in my way doesn’t bode well for a have-a-nice-day mentality
Late in my book the “me” character says ‘good riddance to bad rubbish’ or somethang to that effect upon learning that his boys are meeting @ the Unhappy Delhi because one of their comrades who he didn’t get along with was buried that day…a MAJOR faux pas
i have always noticed that there is an apotheosis of people when they die…no one says “he was a crazy motherfucker” or “he was such a scumbag”…although with ME i think they’ll make an exception since i have a history of pointing out stuff that should remain taboo
Well…happy new year…and the sun has come out, so my posthumous encounter with fame is foiled again
From my personal experience, I learned that my mother often tried to change history to highlight her own importance in my past, or to mitigate negative circumstances for which she shared some responsibility. One of my brother’s favourite stories highlights this tendency:
When we were kids we lived in a small town, and our rural-based school had alternate day kindergarten. My mom insisted that it was my brother’s day to go, she made him get dressed and hurried him out the door with the rest of us, while he protested loudly that it wasn’t his day. He went to school, it wasn’t his day to go, and he walked all the way home. He came home, told Mom that he’d gone on the wrong day, and she said “See, I told you that you weren’t supposed to go to school today. MAybe next time you’ll listen to me.”
It’s too bad that you had to spend such an unpleasant evening. Is it worth repeating, or can you find a way to celebrate without such stress?
i am the mother….. and in truth, when my sons were dumping on my head last year, i finally lost it – refusing to take blame for poor child support law enforcement, society’s attitudes towards women in my y outh and middle age and the nasty hits i took as a result, being born at a time when the only successful treatment for depression was electric shock treatments, the idea of t herapy without stigma hitting me only in my mid-fifties…. one now calls his stepmother, who had all the benefits, including the equivalent of child support, decent housing, no killer financial worries (tho she had to stay married to him to have that….i couldn’t – he was an abuser) ”mom” and doesn’t talk to me.
hard, this is….
yes, prudy, i understand your comment now. if you have time to scan that piece and tell me what you see and don’t, i would be down on my knees – i’m stalled on it, and it’s almost there…. and you are always perceptive in ways that are not only lovely to read but helpful as well.
hugs and happy new year.
lily
Wow, and I thought we were dysfunctional. At least it stays all nice on the surface. But there’s rampant alcoholism and people trying to recover and others just waving drinks in their faces, and omigod, I don’t know how I get out of family situations alive. Not well, I’ll tell you that. I wonder how all of us stay sane in our various situations.
Who had a Ward and June Cleaver family?
Have happy New Year, Prudy. And may you find writing success.
Lynn
So very sorry. Think most of us are dysfunctional…it always amazes me that a person does not realize what their words do to wound others. Words cannot really ever be taken back. I want my children to love me….not resent me. Hope 2006 is a bit easier for all concerned.
It’s been hell since I can’t drink anymore. Wine used to make all kinds of people tolerable…most of the time. Before my family comes to visit in May, I’m going to ask my doctor which is worse for my liver…Valium or Merlot.
Sorry for all the family dysfunction. But…
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Not having my Mom anymore makes me wish there was a way you all could be happier, but beleive me I understand. I love my Mother but she used to do the same things as your Mom. Sounds horribly unpleasant, maybe she got a hint since your Sister told her how you all feel about her ways.
Hope things can be better this year.
Peace and Love:)
Been there, done that. It gets better.
Well, to go against the grain… It’s not like we don’t have disagreements and issues in my family…but my parents never pull this shit! Siblings yes. And really just one. Parents no. Somehow, what they have didn’t get passed along to all the offspring but it saddens me to think of so many people dealing with this crap from their parents. I really cannot imagine. Siblings are different. Easier to write off their dysfunctions somehow.
Sorry you had to suffer throught that. Hope 2006 brings many gifts to you!
As a person I feel bad that you have that kind of relationship with your mother. I have loving parents though we may disagree on some points. and I feel, those are not important than our love for eachother.
As a writer, you have written it so well, I must say I enjoyed reading it.
A very happy new year to you!
What happened to Brend’s site? Any idea?
Happy New Year!
So sorry, love. I’m thankful for the dysfunctional Italian half of my family – they bicker constantly but it’s rarely so bitter. I wish you a Happy New Year and love you much.
I just wanted to say thank you for understanding and for your comments.
that phrase about how one can choose friends but no family seems to fit here
I did that kind of talking to…to some years back now and then i walked away from them and my lifes been better for it..
i know its not always a choice or the best choice for some people, but there’s no need to go near often
Oh, the family get togethers! Feel the love!… My dad and I used to go back and forth. It wasn’t until the Christmas of 1999 that I finally made peace with him. I put a 1.75 liter of Jack on top of the fridge and told him to drink as much as he wanted. We haven’t fought since!
dan
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I am always amazed at the things parents will say to their kids.
It sounds quite hellish. What I’ve done with my mother, and I slipped into this in utter misery and not knowing how to handle her criticisms and, well, outright attacks, was to politely cut her off when she steps too far over the line. When she starts criticizing me or my children or my brothers or anyone else, I tell her she’s criticizing and that I will cut contact if she doesn’t stop. And I’ve done it, too. For up to a year sometimes. I block her phone calls, bounce her email (you can do that with an Apple). When things start up again, she is better. This has been going on 18 years. This Christmas was the best Christmas I have ever had with her. I could even describe it as gentle. Even if it only happens once, I am deeply grateful to have had this experience, this one Christmas, with her. But, then, my way of handling what used to throw me practically into psychosis, deep depression, suicidal thoughts, is probably contingent on my being the only daughter. If she loses me, she loses her daughter. She has two sons, but they’re easier to manipulate; they also have the ability to just not listen, to have dinner over there and shut her streams of invective out. I can’t and never have been able to do that. So I cut out, disappear when she’s being monstrous, reappear and go another round with her, and, really, with definitely saying I won’t listen to any unfair criticism or attack of anyone, myself included, I have seen small but significant changes in our relationship. It’ll never be a close relationship, but it can be a sane and bearable one…
Knowing how miserable times like that can be, and hoping that you, too, find ways to make the negativity of unhappy people, especially if it’s your mother, less onerous. We’re not responsible for their joy, afterall. We’re their daughters, here to love them and be loved by them.
Many good wishes for the New Year for you, honey. Lots of love, Brenda xo
ryc: they get all new costumes every year and they can cost between $2k – 15k+each. they don’t even reuse the feathers usually. we aren’t members of a club tho my kid was asked many times to participate in a couple clubs, but it’s a year committment- many weekends, long hours, lots of practice, etc… and it wasn’t something he wanted to do very much (for which i was grateful). it used to be strictly males, but you see grand-daughters in the clubs now. (still predominately men tho! and still very expensive.) the prize money rarely covers a third of the cost, and you do scads of fundraising to cover the rest. there is less drinking than there used to be when my kid was little. as the clubs fight for position, they demand more from their members and a drunk member doesn’t perform as well (of course after the presentation to the judges, when they continue down the street and back to the club house… totally different story)
Oh my, and you thought I was brave to go ice skating – you are brave to do gatherings with your family. Cheers and Happy New Year Prudy.
Lol. “Yeah, I have issues.”
Same to you Pru:) May this be the year you were looking for:)
Followed you here from MadHouseWife…I think many times xanga serves as the mulling-over spot…get it written down/typed out, then make changes and edit a bit…
I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. I’ve never understood why the family always picked the holidays to press buttons and stir ill feelings. Wishing you a happier New Year.
too bad your life has to be filled with so much angst…and particularly between mother’s and daughter’s…that connection is so strong, be it good or bad…I hope things get better and if not, I hope you find a way to deal with it at best.
I pray for you a good year…
paulygrl
Thank you for writing this. Your honesty with the telling is remarkable to me, but so very necessary. I echo the well wishes for the new year and good luck with the writing. It would be wonderful to read a book of yours!
The holiday times are a great time in that it tends to gather families that for most, if not all, of the rest of the year remain scattered. Moments like what you mentioned are uncomfortable and painful. I have been through similar & know your pain. I hope things have settled down.