December 14, 2005
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Ah-Haaa
Something very important happened today. A patient I was seeing each Tuesday after her radiation didn’t stop by last week and I was a little concerned because I had broached the subject of pot being addictive. I had also pointed out that alcohol doesn’t help the immune system, quite the contrary, and if you’re dealing with cancer, that’s really something to look at. I was pleased to find that she had come in the day before and checked out a book on nutrition and a tape on yoga, along with a meditational CD.
So I’m in my boss’s office asking if she had spoken with this woman while I was gone and checked out the books to her. She said “no, why?” I explained that I was pleased with the idea that I might have inspired her to make some healthy changes. Well, that’s what I was thinking. Of course I just acted like I was pleased that the patient was moving in a healthy direction.
Big red flag for my boss. She tells me to close the door and I sit down. She then explains that what she wants is a cozy, comfortable environment where the patient is safe to feel and say just where they’re at. This big light bulb is going off as she emphasizes the importance of not making judgments, good or bad. She doesn’t want me saying “I’m so proud of you.” She doesn’t want me inspiring them to be better. “You’re not their life coach.” I say, “But I want to be.” She wants me to listen and spit back EXACTLY what they say. I think she called it validative listening or something.
My sister calls me tonight, the one who’s getting divorced, and the church has set up a meeting to try to get her to see the error of her ways and go back home to her husband. All my buttons are getting pushed and I can’t believe how hard it is to do this kind of listening. I do it but she still hears all the screaming words I’m keeping to myself. I can tell she wants to get off real fast before I relapse. People like it. They want it. So I am going to try it on here. I never realized how big a pain-in-the-ass I must be. Because I LOVE giving advice, I guess I don’t have to tell you that. I am making a blanket apology to all of you for not being a better listener and keeping my advice to myself.
PART II
I come home from the hospital and one of my notebooks is on the counter. The youngest had driven over to get her hair cut but the oldest had a conflict so — This is on the phone, the youngest is telling me — she just hung out for a while and then drove back home. I start leafing through the notebook, seeing if anything juicy is in there that I would regret. Blah, blah, blah is what I see. Oh, and sorry I keep switching tenses on ya but I’m looking at the bigger picture tonight.
Then tonight I’m reading BoureeMusique and she’s talking about how when she blogs she wants to make it interesting. Novel idea which had never occurred to me. That’s how self-absorbed I am. And I’m thinking about her writing and the quality it has, the kind of fun oomph she does so well. That’s not a good description. If you read her you know what I’m talking about. For one thing — I was going to say she she’s always positive but that’s not it. I mean she is but the reason her blog isn’t blah, blah, blah has to do with the lilt of it. Which brings me to my point.
I was thinking these two epiphanies were unrelated, even though I sensed they weren’t. I was upstairs changing, trying to understand what they might have in common. You’re probably going, “duh,” but it took me a minute. Writing can become blah if you leave the reader out. I’m excited now because I think this is a pretty big deal and I think I know how to do this. I mean I do know how and I think it’s just like my boss was talking about. If I can validate the reader’s reaction to the words, I’ve got ‘em.
What I need to be careful of is not getting so much into the story or the setting or the characters that I don’t give the reader a chance to interact. Now that I type that it looks harder than my initial sense of it was. Maybe it could be as easy as switching into second person. Just for a sec, I know it’s a big no, no.
Yeah, I need another writing class.
Comments (17)
Interesting link at BoureeMusique. I don’t know a lot about making blogs interesting but I think I know a bit about listening. I just got back from a focus group about the cancer center where I took my radiation. First let me say that the radiation center was so supportive, at least in my experience and it seemed that they gave others the same feeling. Second, back to the focus group that was “evaluating” services. The theme that cut through for me as a participant was how supported and accepted the “feedback” was about the radiation unit. The patients didn’t feel judged or coached.
audience… you are discovering audience…
Okay for the writing, maybe, what do I know? But in real life, I crave true dialogue–not a reflection back of what I just said. Otherwise, why not sit and talk to yourself? I want to discover ideas, be told personal thoughts, reflect (as in think, not spit back)… This parroting back sounds like what I heard in marriage counseling! And I can tell you from personal experience that having someone spit back what you just said means absolutely nothing in terms of whether they “got” it or not! Actually there’s another term: echolalia… Are your sure your sister got off the phone because of what you did NOT say? Your writing has always been interesting whether that was your overt purpose or not. There’s something natural and grabbing in the way you see and describe things.
first– I think you write just fine now, but a writing class is always good for the intreaction it provides writers… second– I prefer “talking” with someone who gives advice and doesn’t just parrot back everything I’ve said. Third– I just love you and really think we should meet and have some tea or something someday.
Whew, you’ve covered ‘dramatic life change’ in everything here, all your relationships, including present and future readers, all based on one woman’s comment. I don’t know I would agree with her, either. I find you an excellent ‘listener.’ You often seem to hear what’s there with a stunning clarity. And I personally LOVE the support & inspiration. So I wouldn’t try to change too much, Pru. I mean, really, your boss was doing with you what she told you not to do with the other women… she wasn’t listening to you, what you are doing from your own caring, loving heart with those who have cancer. So, I dunno… it’s always nice to have another ‘project,’ a way to perfect ourselves, perhaps to make our relationships with others easier, but, then again, the dynamic might disappear if you go too far into being simply a mirror, nothing more. You’re already a deep listener… don’t stop being you, please. *hugs xo
IT’s called yentaing
As for “interesting,” i think my life was so bizarre it provides good entertainment…but that’s because i always KNEW i was gonna be a famous asshole from when i was 5
Perhaps reflective listening works in a therapeutic setting. But the comments you leave, and the advice you’ve had for me has always been inspiring. You are you – you’ve established a readership because people are interested in what you have to say.
I appreciate any advice and insight you have given me. Don’t stop. I write to hear what others think and I think you have listened and responded when it is most needed.
First, I’m so flattered that you mentioned me so positively in your blog and left such a neat comment on mine. When writing about blogs that interest me, it was difficult, because the blogs to which I subscribe are varied. For your information, yours is among the half dozen or so that I must check immediately when I get on Xanga. Working on audience is always a good thing if that’s what you’re after, but don’t think that there’s something wrong with the way you write now. I always feel like I’m a part of what you’re writing. If other people don’t feel that way, maybe it’s something extra that connects us or something I’ve “put on”/fabricated about the essence of the writing. I like what you said about the “lilt” of my writing. I still can’t quite grasp the heart and meat and gritty meaning of that word, but it’s one of my favorites. I’ve been told somewhat similar things by different professors (poetry and prose), friends, and readers. Usually I crave critical feedback to get better, but this description is so welcome and so helpful to me; it helps me realize why some people like to read me. Next, your current blog! I love what you’re doing with your patient, and I’m sure she’s getting a lot out of it, too. I have a lot to say about this, so I hope I make sense. 1. In my silly psych(obabble) classes, I’ve learned about the way that women and men *in general* (because as useful as I find some psychology, I (and most respectable psychologists) refuse to claim that these norm-describing heuristics are facts) communicate differently – women *tend* to be the validative listeners, listening and repeating. They often pepper their validative listening with personal stories about themselves, to bring themselves into the conversation and sympathize better. Men are *more likely* to try to come up with solutions to fix problem situations. You, Prudy, seem to me to do a perfect balance of the two. 2. All else aside, your boss is probably thinking about liability. I’m not sure exactly what kind of setting you’re in, but in most cases, unless you’re a licensed professional, you’re not allowed to give that type of advice. Well, you are, but if a person acts on your advice and things go badly, s/he can sue you and hold you at fault. It’s stupid and evil, but it’s a legal loophole. When I worked as a receptionist in a Family Medicine clinic, we were very busy and I would get repeated calls from people wanting to talk to our nurses. They’d say they had accidentally cut their fingers or that their baby had diarrhea, for examples, and as much as I wanted to tell them to apply pressure with a clean white cloth until the bleeding stopped and then clean and dress the wound or stop feeding the baby juice and switch to only water for a while, I wasn’t allowed, because legally, I had no right to say such things. Sorry for the long comment. In summary, I thank you, I enjoy your writing and find it very interactive, and I sympathize with your ameliorative tendencies.
Play ball!
part 2: i know what you mean…even if its hard to put to paper
part 1: i think its a female thing…we always want to give advice whether askedfor or not…i do it…my mom does it..my friends do it…don’t be hard on yourself for it
and yeah, just listening…is hard
dotcha love those aha moments… its making them stick so they dont have to keep reoccurring..anyway I have been working on a vacation where everyone could get away and Im pretty sure bellydancers would add to the fun!
come check it out.. (it was an internet island task but it sure was fun!)
You are interesting and listening is VERY difficult
Um, my opinion is that we are all equiped differently. You have the advice thingy…don’t reject it. Man, I could write a bizillion things about this, but just let me say that when I was goofing on my “mom” maybe not being my mom and you gave it to me, I was thinking “Finally, someone who has balls and isn’t afraid to show me them!”
I personally think parroting back everything I say is condescending. (Ha…I was just thinking how funny it would have been if you parroted back all my driveling comment on my site).
Pain in the ass? Self- absorbed? Sorry, I just can’t see it. You have given me advice and I have appreciated every word. Your insight has cleared alot of my mental fog. Not just in the comments you leave me but in the very wise things you write about. You have become a very enjoyable part of my life. Is that too weird to say?
So the concensus is in, Pru. Leave that reflective listening OUT of Xanga!
I miss your insightful comments already.
I think one of the bloggers above mentioned the liability which was my first thought. I know even in Health food stores you can get into huge trouble saying something will CURE anything. Sucks that our system is so corrupt with these loopholes as she said. Nice post though. I love reading you..marilyn
hi ydurp,
I thought I would say hi…you remember me, paulygrl…I left for a while, too many other writing obligations, but missed everyone, so I’m back…I hope you are well and your life is going as you wish it to…come on over and visit my place sometime…please have a great holiday and take care…
paulygrl
Okay, I’m slow. It was just today that I said ydurp outloud and heard Wyatt Earp for the first time. But on to this post, you are much more schooled than I in writing techniques and I haven’t read your column or book (I swear I read a mention of a book in a comment), but if this is just your journal you do engage the reader. I save coming here for when I have the time to soak it in. And if ever you want to divulge the title of this book, I would like to read that too!