November 26, 2005
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Hmmm, I had an interesting conversation with the middle daughter. She’s the one who has been in S.F. at the Academy of Art. She’d found a picture of Henry with a big smile on his face, taken at the beach. She showed me the picture a couple weeks ago because she had done a portrait of him, using the snapshot. The 8 by 10 was just like the snapshot except that she had captured the maniacal essence of him. And she didn’t even see it. She was so focused on the big grin, which is uncharacteristic of him. He hates his picture taken, or at least he used to, and she told me it meant so much to see him smile [read he never smiled when you were together].
So, anyway, the middle daughter has this idea that she’s going to do one of K…., you know matching portraits for over the mantle when he moves into her place next year. Feel free now to give me shit over having issues because I can see that it’s starting to get to me a little. The middle daughter goes over to K’s this morning to look at pictures she might use. And that’s when she remembers who K is. Henry used to work for her husband before the guy cheated on her and she left him. And now that I think about it she might have gotten even. Over the years he would take the girls into Nordstrom, where she worked. And we would have her to our Christmas parties. I thought all this was innocent but the last time I bought a pair of shoes from her she acted pretty weird. That was in 1995.
The middle daughter is looking at her old pictures and says, “Oh, I remember you.” And on the phone with me I could tell by the long pauses that she was putting two and two together as she remembered all the times she’d been around K, without me there. Then she wanted me to pinpoint the years that would have been. The odd thing is that I don’t care. Maybe he was in love with her all these years. Maybe they slept together. For some weird reason it doesn’t bother me. Marcie’s reading this and she knows why. He loved me like he’ll never love her. But he’ll have a much better relationship with her. He’ll be smiling.
Comments (11)
Life is complicated at times isn’t it. Cheers.
I would say letting it get to you is entirely normal.Your daughter must have a relationship with both of them…it makes sense…but it makes just as much sense that you would be less then comfortable with the idea of the bonding process…..hopefully as time passes it won’t feel so weird….and if nothing else you know your daughter will have one more friend ( but not another mom ) out in that big world. I have lived this kind of as the daughter. My dad’s last wife was eighteen when they married and I was sixreen…it was totally strange..but now she is in her fifties…and I know from the big picture that life teaches young people all kinds of things as they turn into old people…:)
Life = Drama. Man, I love that.
I would never give you shit over what you feel. Now, if you were saying it was all ok, and that you just want everyone to be happy, well, for that, I would give you shit over….if I thought it wasn’t what you were truly feeling. But, then again it could just be the Corona talking.
I don’t know the history here, but it sounds like you’re working our something important. Best wishes with whatever’s to come~
Who knows what’s going on here, or if you’ll ever know (fully, I mean). Maybe he radiated towards her as things dissolved between you two; maybe she’s been his solace since then. Before might have been only platonic. Perhaps it doesn’t matter. Some people can’t be alone, and they’ll settle for lukewarm. Others, well… what’s coming to me- fine being independent, discerning, and having your heart set on fire means a lot. I don’t think either of us could mosey into lukewarm could we. And that’s what I’m understanding through the last sentences of your reflection on this, which is written/unfolded superbly through the portrait your daughter’s painted of Jack and questions surrounding the other one… xo
this is hard stuff that you’re dealing with and everytime you think you’ve put it away, it creeps out again. a bit of remorse is normal and a bit of wanting to kick someone in the butt is too, even though you realize you’re better apart. letting love die hurts! and daughters want to protect their mom when the truth is finally evident to them. move on, be happy- it’s life’s best revenge!
Pru, some of the above comments hit so many points that I wanted to make I hardly know where to begin. We as woman like to believe we are always the ONE, you know make their hearts skip a beat and what not, but when you add kids into the mix, trying to make it comfortable and not act like a two year old about them moving on with another relationship, it is just plain hard. My ex married a 29 yr old when our oldest was 27 1/2, a girl who looks like a Barbie doll and had been featured in Playboy, try those facts on for size when your stepmom has all that going on!! Sounds like your daughter is pulling all the facts together very nicely and you will always be her mom, which is something noone can take away, ever. I get the picture that your daughter is much like you, analysing the whole situation, going for the facts, then the light bulb moment of realization that Daddy isn’t all she thought he was. Good instincts is what she has, fill in whatever blanks she needs but like you point out, it doesn’t matter anyway. Good feeling when you can stand in the middle and know you had him at his best too!!!Marilyn
I couldn’t leave Hubby #2 until I could handle the idea of his sleeping with someone else. When it dawned on me that he could never have what he and I had, with someone else, I was able to let go…and go. I even saw him with a couple of someone else’s later and was happy to not feel that twinge of envy. I felt totally grown up. *smile*
When I realized I couldn’t/wouldn’t be replaced, I was okay. I found out, after Mark died, that his favorite song was a Country song called I Miss my Friend, I had to at least track down the lyrics. He and I never listened to Country, so I knew it had to be something special. Yep. It was a song about me. I was right to know what we had would always be different from what he had with anyone else. That made it all worth it, somehow.
I love you, Pru…GFW
Oh, let her do it. It sounds like a harmless obsession to me. We moms are too into their business sometimes.
RYC; It was really weird. I finally found the extra comments by clicking on the Feedback area under my profile pic. I have no idea why xanga wasnt’ showing them, I ‘d just get taken to the original post, but no comments.
Thanks for what you had to say.
Lynn
wow. What can I say…life gives us insights with problems to solve. Middle daughter is an adult now and she’s dealing with this new found problem. She owns it. I’m sure she’s face to face with lots on her mind. She has a good mom and role model. What’s to be gained by animosity and vindictiveness? It takes up so much of our psyche. Letting go is good. Perhaps they’ll be friends. The thing is, eventually well adjusted adult children realize that their parents tried the best they could. They also will see there parents as friends and socially acceptable. It’s a bump in the road.
How sad. In so many ways. As a child, I’d feel betrayed and never understand my parent not now being upset, but if I were the spouse, I’d understand the here and now and how that was the past…