July 22, 2005
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Look, XXXX, you’re starting to piss me off. And I was going to do this privately but I didn’t want people getting the wrong impression, since you’ve made it so public.
There’s a young man on here I discovered recently, jillions of readers and respected by someone whose writing I swoon over. So, you know, after I was done swooning I started clicking over from his site, checking out this new guy’s stuff. It was good. Some of it was over-blown but it was fun to read all his commenters and I left one. Then I left another, AND THEN I WENT AWAY. Because he didn’t respond. And so what? Who cares? Maybe he doesn’t care about more readers. Maybe he doesn’t like my writing. Maybe he doesn’t like me.
Since when are we obliged to share our lives with people we don’t feel a connection with? ESPECIALLY A PROTECTED POST. I am going out on a skinny limb, sharing work I want to try to publish, BEFORE IT’S EVEN EDITED, JUST RAW. And it’s probably stupid, I know. Time and time again I read you guys saying you’d never do that. But I have created a list of friends, people I trust, people I feel a connection with. If I am lucky enough to be contacted by someone I’ve never seen around and I go check them out and their writing resonates with me and they are a poet or I don’t think they are likely to write the kind of stuff I do or they just seem to write for fun, then I add them to my protected list because I want their feedback. I am really struggling right now, in way over my head. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. All I know is when something isn’t right. And thank God for that, ya know? I’m just grateful I can tell. And I’m grateful I have the tenacity to rewrite it as many times as it takes to be good. And I’m grateful that I have people who know what works and what doesn’t and who will be honest with me.
It’s like I don’t entertain much. If I have a party, I only invite people I love. I have no interest in having people in my home who I don’t feel intimate with. And maybe that’s why I’m lonely. Because I keep that list small.
Comments (21)
Xanga is not that different than the world, is it? There are givers and there are takers. I surely understand that people can get busy, that time gets short, even that someone might not like what I’m doing right now (one of my favorite xangans bluntly tells me, “I don’t understand your writing most of the time.”), but any relationship requires interplay. If you were published and people were paying for your books, that’s one thing. If you were an ad-supported blog and hits meant cash, that would be the same. In the world of blogs the currency of exchange is contact. If you read, then let the author know. Even if it’s just “hello.” Or sign the guestbook, or just do something. Otherwise the author gets “zero” out of the relationship. And when people get “zero” out of a relationship, they tend to get out.
this is your space.. so do what makes you happy here!
ok?
sounds like someone hurt you and i don’t care who you are or where you’re writing, that’s wrong to hurt someone for the sake of hurting them. Good for you for speaking up for yourself!
/hugs
because I could say all sorts of things, but in truth you already know them all and likely what you need most is that kind of silent acceptance that a hug brings (even if for here, it must be virtual…so snuggle your dog or your daughter)
hugs… I am with you-Go with your gut… there is no obligation to add anyone to your protected list- and to be verbally called out on it- puts your back up against the wall forcing you to make a decision- black or whit. A bit obnoxious on his part tho he may be a great reader and commenter. Unfair to publicly chastise you for not adding him, IMO-leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth to give ultimatums. That being said, I am privleged to know you.
that was ‘white’ not whit.
IRYC: thenarrator I read your comment and got worried. Because I’m not sure how it relates to the post. I’m a good commenter so I don’t think you’re talking about me. Though, after a while if I have steadily left comments at someone’s site because I love their writing, and they never contact me, even though they subscribe to me, I quit commenting. I still read and enjoy them but feel like a dope commenting. And I don’t even know if they’re still reading me. I don’t have that thing that lets you know who has dropped by.
xanga stocker code site… not that i figured out how to make it work yet!
*stalker… ergh!!!
IRYC: jerjonji I don’t understand the difference between someone like me, who stops by again and again to read the comments as they come in, and a “stalker.” Geez, I hope nobody thinks I’m stalking them. I’m a big fan of some of you and delight in the response you get.
Treat xanga, xangans, just as you would people you know (or want to start knowing– or want to stop knowing) in real life… pay attention to what your own instincts tell you about them…
(okay… just my two cents.)
i don’t care who stops by and reads my site (and while i love the comments, its ok if they don’t- a lot of ppl sub and don’t comment) and i don’t have a tracker or a counter. but if you want to know who’s stopping by, you need the tracker. my opinion is that xanga is public for a reason and if ppl hate that, they need to go protected. but a lot of ppl use trackers and swear by them. so i gave you the link in case you wanted it. and i’m with you- i love the give and take of comments and the dialogue that goes on in several sites. i look at it like this: once i sell a book, i have no control over who will read/buy it or if they’ll even like it. but on the rare occasion when i want a limited audience, i go protected, and i never tell ppl i did that. i’d rather they not know i do it… for a couple reasons- mostly the same reasons i go protected in the first place! ps- i think if ppl don’t want you around, they’ll tell you… or at least that’s been my experience…
you’re a great commenter ydurp. I just sensed from your post that you’d ended up in a one-sided relationship, where the person expected stuff from you with reciprocating. I don’t do everything reciprocally myself. I don’t automatically subscribe to subscribers. I don’t comment all the time, though I try to note that I’ve “been around.” I think it’s polite. I don’t do protected though to block lurkers or people who just want to read. I think about it, but I don’t.
I have a very small protected list composed only of people I feel a connection to through our mutual comments at each other’s sites. People I feel who’ve actually read my posts and say something relevant or difficult or supportive or insightful or just plain beautiful. And who seem to appreciate my comments on their writing at their sites. These are the people I trust. Just subbing to me isn’t enough; and it doesn’t have all the people I sub to on it either. It’s my own tiny writer’s group of people who responses I trust, who have helped me on my writer’s path, and where I can post more risky material, perhaps erotic, perhaps first draft, perhaps parts of the beginnings of a novel, where I can experiment a bit… But I never announce there’s a protected post publicly~ don’t want to make anyone who’s not on the list feel bad. But then perhaps I don’t get the response to my protected post that I might otherwise, who knows. xo
Only invite people you love. I’m sorry for the anger you feel here, but I must respond to your comment and smile at your being a love magnet. It’s easy to see why.
Am I invited?
It seems to be easy to get into tiffs on xanga.
the first time i read this, i decided not to comment, because it sorta seemed apropriate not to. but i don’t want to be quadruple x (give up the goods, who is he? and who’s the writer you swoon over? i’d like to check out their site)
You know what? We are a heck of a lot alike. There is a lot of miscommunication on Xanga. Someone might be cut off line. Or, I might say something in jest and the other person takes it so seriously. I, and I think I am like you, would not do anything to hurt someone, but I do so without intent. . . . and I can’t always fix it. You have many here you care about you in a respectful way for you as a writer and as a person. Please accept my support. Cheers.
You know what? We are a heck of a lot alike. There is a lot of miscommunication on Xanga. Someone might be cut off line. Or, I might say something in jest and the other person takes it so seriously. I, and I think I am like you, would not do anything to hurt someone, but I do so without intent. . . . and I can’t always fix it. You have many here you care about you in a respectful way for you as a writer and as a person. Please accept my support. Cheers.
I’m sorry something has you upset. Hope it smooths out quickly!