Month: November 2004


  • jerjonji had something from Mother Teresa on her post today, and I started to write this is as a comment but it was too long so I’m putting it here.  This is my Mother Teresa story.


    For some time I studied with Bernie.  I should have been calling him “Master,” as you do with the great teachers, but people still called him by his adopted name.  He told me this story when I was ready to hear it.  Back then I didn’t believe in God.  But I had learned about that powerful force, that energy Taoists call chi.  Every time he invited a new master to teach a workshop, I’d sign up.  They’d come from all over the world.  Juan Li was one of those visiting masters.  Our group spent a week living in a place called Manuka, practicing night and day.  I remember we even had to eat in silence.


    Several years later, Master Li took a year off to visit all the holy people in the world.  When he got to Calcutta, Mother Teresa’s people said she could give him a little time, but first he was needed in the courtyard.  The only thing I ever saw him wear were linen pants and a gauzy shirt, both off-white.  Never having children of his own, I can’t imagine he knew how to change a diaper, especially a stinky one.  He was assigned a grubby little boy with shit running down the inside of his pants. 


    He rolled up his sleeves and did the best he could with no running water.  When he was done, the sister told him he could go in.  He was ushered into the inner office where she sat at a desk.  He sat down in front of her and within minutes he was sobbing like a baby.  He described it as coming up against a wall of love like nothing he had ever felt before.  And this is a man who had spent most of his time in the presence of God, in prayer, in practice.


    I wouldn’t say this fell on deaf ears, but my opinion of Mother Teresa then was that she was a wrinkled old goody two-shoes.  I got home and my youngest said she needed a book on fables so I went to Annie Bloom’s and found the section with Aesop’s Fables.  Wanting to get something a bit different I reached for the next book and sitting next to that I saw this little book by Mother Teresa.  I couldn’t believe my eyes.  How did Bernie get it here?  It was a simple book on prayer.  I had no use for it but I knew I was supposed to have it so I took it home.   It might have been called prayer 101 for it was a how-to book. 


    The fact that it was Mother Teresa blew me away, but what was really freaky was that it was the perfect book for me.  Really, it read much like my Taoist books.  All she was suggesting was to get somewhere quiet, clear your mind, and have the intention of love, or peace, or just emptying yourself to let God in.  That’s exactly what I had been doing, only I thought it was letting chi in.  Turns out it’s all the same.  She’d left out the semantics that always throw me with religion. That little book of hers allowed me to segue into a more mainstream philosophy.  I could speak of God.  Granted, my God was nothing like my Baptist sister’s, and by the time I got done going to most of the churches in Portland, I knew that the best place to be with mine was under this old oak tree I found in the Arboretum.  My God fit nicely with the unique spiritual practice I had honed over the years.  Every time I had another surgery, instead of reading the last 4 chapters in the medical book so I could test out of the class, I bought another book on religion and spiritual practices.  I took the best parts of all of them and created my own rituals.  I had an alter in my room.  And I would take some of it to my oak tree.  I meditated every morning from 6:00 to 7:00.  My poor husband didn’t know what to make of it.  He told the kids I was nuts.


    Mother Teresa reached millions, but the fact that she finally got to me was nothing short of a miracle.


     


     

  • Last night, as I lay on the couch trying to stay awake long enough to make sure my youngest didn’t sneak a couple of the beers I wouldn’t have noticed missing, on her way out the door to her friend’s, I was given little snippets:  feedback from her Thanksgiving.


    My favorite was when my ex’s mother said I’m starving and began eating.  The girlfriend’s kids looked over in horror, with their hands in their laps, waiting for their mother to sit down.


    The other part I liked was the description of the preparation.  This woman, who I used to think was pretty cool (this was before I knew they were dating and that she was nothing like I’d remembered) had put out all the serving bowls with little pieces of paper in them, naming the food they would hold.  This is at his house, mind you. 


    She sounds like a complete control freak who has taken over his life and his kitchen.  He’s just glad to have the help, though, I’m sure.  I think it’s funny, mostly because when he retired, the first thing he did, without asking me because I was semi-conscious, in the bedroom, recovering from the latest surgery, was to buy all new pots and pans.  He took everything off the counters and when I finally was able to start cooking again I felt like a stranger in my own kitchen.


     


  • Wow, the holidays give blogging a whole new — what’s the word? — meaning’s not it. 


    This was the first year my ex-husband had his girlfriend and her kids join them for Thanksgiving.  And I thought I was fine with that.  I’m pretty sure I’m fine with it.  I was a little put off by my kids deciding it was too far to drive Thursday, and that surely I wouldn’t want to pay for a cab(as they would have been drinking).  Last year they came over for pie. He has his dinner at 5:00 and so do I.   My sister was sitting here at the time and between my daughter and her, they decided I should do Thanksgiving on Friday.  Later I realized that she had another dinner invitation. 


    I used to do this full-on dinner for 18.  The rental company would arrive with the tables and chairs, glasses and dishes and it would look just like a restaurant.  My artsy daughter would do the centerpieces and I’d cook for two days.  We did this for both sides of our family for 20 years.  So then when I left they couldn’t possibly leave him because he was so devastated.  Fine.  But after a couple years I and my family suggested that it might be nice to at least come for dessert.  My best friend M, volunteered to drive over and get them.  She just wanted to get in the house and have a look at H. 


    So when I read the last post I saw a little bitterness.  Friday is not Thanksgiving.  Granted I had a nice time with everyone tonight but if I can’t be with my kids, why am I going to all this trouble.  I’m still conflicted.  I think next year I am going to do something marvelous.  Maybe I’ll go XCskiing.

  •  



    At the last minute, I decided I wanted Turkey.  There is this place on the water.  I’d been there for a drink and it seemed okay.  So tonight I got dressed up and went there for dinner, all by myself.  I went in and saw it was a buffet.  Between that and the glimpse I got of the diners, I veered left and found the bar.  I don’t really drink anymore but it seemed like the thing to do.  I ordered a Jack and Coke and found a table in the rear beneath a TV.  The bartender brought me what tasted like a really stiff drink, which I was grateful for.  I had my back to the room and could comfortably eavesdrop.  After getting a feel for who was in the room, I decided maybe the other crowd didn’t look so bad after all.  I took my drink across the hall and joined the buffet. 


    It was a real enterprising bunch.  The weird thing was that the women all looked the same.  I’d never been to a restaurant on a holiday, so I was curious to see who all went.  I have to admit that these people seemed very good natured and easy going.  They probably weighed the cost of putting on the dinner, along with the chore of cleaning house and said, “Heh, lets go out.”


    My sister had invited me but she lives all the way over on Murray Hill.  Plus her family gives me the creeps.  They’re very Baptist and quiet.   After the divorce I spent the first couple holidays with friends who took me in.  One of those friends I’m not speaking to and the other doesn’t know I’m single.  I found being with someone else’s family even more lonely than staying home.


    So once the drink started kicking in I began to take a liking to the place.  I liked the lighting.  It was very dark with drop-down lights.  I sat at a big round booth facing the river.  It was wall-to-wall windows so all the lights reflected.  The woodwork was nice, almost lodge-like.  Very simple. 


    The food was even pretty good.  And it wasn’t a buffet, that was just the salad bar, which I skipped.  The food was like the music.  You could almost hear it.  If they’d turned it up any louder I would have known it was bad.  The food was bland enough that it wasn’t offensive.  You know when you go to someone else’s house and they serve this weird stuffing.  The only thing wrong with it is that it’s not what you grew up eating.   Tonight’s stuffing was fine, I was relieved.  All in all it was a very pleasant event.  Plus I got another 2,000 words in.


     


  • I finally made 30,000 words.  And since I’m not doing anything today, maybe I can crank out a bunch more.  I got an email from Nano claiming you could get 10,000 done in a good weekend.  Yeah, right.  Now that I’m more aware of some of the ways to use a sentence, it’s slowing me down.  And I know that you’re supposed to just throw everything out there and worry about the details later but when I read it the next morning I have to play with it.  I like to play with it, that’s the best part.  Well, it’s all good.


    My two older girls went out drinking last night.  I hope they liked each other.  They were so close when they were younger.  Twenty months apart and different as night and day.  They used to be inseparable but they have gone in such different directions.  Their differences make them resent each other.  They didn’t used to compete.  And it’s such a shame that they can’t help each other.  As they get a better glimpse of who they are and how their childhood has “fucked them up,” they could help each other find their way.  But no.  They are too busy acting like they’ve really got it together.  It’s killing me not to tell the one about the other. 


    Back to writing.  Enjoy your turkey everyone and your family, too.


     


  • What is it about writing?  It can drive me crazy, not knowing how, but I feel sure it is the source of my content.


    I gave up for tonight and went to make some tea.  Sitting in my $25 recliner I bought off the porch of a struggling law student, I closed my eyes and went through my worries.  Some I couldn’t even face, yet I took another sip of tea and smiled to myself.  I am happy. 


    There’s no other explanation.  My daughter’s in deep shit, I don’t even know how deep.  I can’t even tell my ex-husband about it.  I promised.  Not that he’d be any help.


    Then there’s Thanksgiving and my mother.  Nobody’s coming on Thanksgiving, most of them have other places to go.  So I am having my family over on Friday and if my children decide they can deal, then maybe they’ll drop by.  


    My brother called last night and said he and my mother had gotten into it about the living trust.  She is refusing to discuss it.  She won’t let us speak to her doctor.  She says she’s fine.  We’re having a meeting before she gets here, to decide what our course of action will be.  There are four of us and we vote. 


    An article is due tomorrow and I have no idea what I’m writing about.


    Then there’s the dog shit I just found over by the piano.  My puppy is refusing the idea of being housebroken.  There’s piss everywhere.  I carry around a spray bottle and wash cloth all day.  I have easily trained three dogs prior to her.  I don’t get it.


    I have moved to a place where there’s absolutely no hope of meeting a man.  I looked around when I first got over here.  I was still dating someone at the time, someone I really just wanted to be friends with, and I took a good look at the men:  at Starbucks, the grocery store, a couple bars, the river, everywhere.  And for some reason now, I’m fine with that. 


    What is it about writing that makes you so — I don’t know, it’s a new feeling.  It’s a feeling of calm.


     

  • I’m really glad that I signed on for Nanowrimo, because it got me started.  But I just can’t work this way.  I have to be able to edit what I wrote the day before.  I have to be able to move things around.  I am changing the descriptions of the characters, as I get to know them better.  I back up each time to a floppy, but because of my lack of experience, I somehow manage to have two different versions.  I am constantly comparing the two wondering why the word counts are different.  One version will have a missing paragraph while the other has an older version of something that I thought I rewrote.  It’s driving me crazy but I’m afraid to delete the second version.


    The biggest problem though is that I can’t sit still this long.  I am getting sick of the material, too.  And I’m only at 26,250 words.  But I easily have enough for a book.  I haven’t even begun to try and make the sentences sing.  It’s just the bare story.  Maybe that will be harder. 


    What I dislike the most is trying to tie events and time frames together with idle chit-chat.  I know when I read there is always some of that boring stuff, but at least it should be well-written.  A lull in the story should be comforting.  Maybe I can talk about food.  I know I can write about Easter!  It’s spring in my book.


  • Now I want to write about tonight.  I did what I used to do all the time;  something I haven’t done for a long time.  I found my jewelry, the earrings I could barely get in, it had been so long.  I found some stockings and told the puppy, “Don’t even come near me.” Got the old hairdryer out and tried to be as patient as I could.  Found my tweezers and figured out which make-up to use.  It’s been a long time.


    Then I got in my car and drove downtown, to a new club.  There was a band, from out of town, and the featured dancer was supposed to be good.  I saw J, who I had taken privates from, for a year.  She had center stage.  Everybody else had pooped out and it was just her.  I took my shoes off and went up to dance with her.  She was so surprised to see me.  She gave me a big hug ’cause it’s been a while.  The band played and we just stood their holding each other. 


    I really liked the place.  The food was great, the feeling plush, and it was dark.  Hey, I know why I liked it.  One whole wall was brick, just like the room I’m sitting in.  Only there’s a giant window in my brick.  I don’t drink any more, except for very special occasions, but I really like a nice bar and this place had one.  That’s where I usually like to sit because then you have a better view, you’re up higher.


    It was good to see and be seen again.  It felt good to get dressed up.  What I liked the best though was being downtown at night when everything’s lit up and people are rushing along, cold and a little drunk. 


    The other thing I liked was that there was no smoking, except for hukas.  Harry’s last bar, Kolbeh, was so smoky I could only stand to be in there for an hour, tops.  I think Harry’s new place will be a hit.

  • I wasn’t gonna do this until I calmed down a little, about my daughter, and had the 50,000 words done.  But then I saw people slandering my favorite book and had to speak up. 


    Actually, I want to write a couple things so that I remember them clearly.


    I went to the house I just sold and knocked on the door.  I needed to be with my plants and I knew she wouldn’t care.  I’d just left this shrink’s office, who I don’t like but maybe my daughter will, if I can get her to go.  Anyway, B was very kind and insisted I come in after walking through the gardens. 


    I was blown away when I walked in.  She completely transformed my former space.  Where my grand piano was, her desk is.  We are talking headquarter central and made of glass.  Behind, on both walls are her huge paintings, very intense colors, as is the oriental carpet she’s centered in the middle of the room.  A huge fica tree stands next to the French doors, bringing the outside in. 


    The den is now her studio.  Wall to wall cabinents with art stuff and a big easle in the middle. 


    The kitchen looks exactly like my kitchen here will look when I get done.  Same exact colors.


    I told her that it was worth every penny it cost me to wait for her.  I had to wait five months for her to find it.  The woman is a painter, a writer, and a healer.  She came from L.A. where she had been hand-watering an acre of English garden.  I think I like her.


  • I gather some of you know each other, and you have the advantage of being able to call, if there comes a time where you need to smooth things over.  I guess you also have the added disadvantage of not being totally anonymous. 


    For those of us who are strangers and just getting to know and care about each other, it is especially frustrating to write something you regret and not be able to make it right, with a phone call or email.  On several occasions I have really screwed up, and it was with people I cared the most about.  There was nothing I could do but publicly apologize and, in one instance, not really say what I wanted to.


    In spite of this open interaction with people I’ll never meet, I am drawn more and more to you.  Each one of you  I read  has something that I look forward to getting each day.  I feel so lucky to have found a wonderful mix of people.  You are wise and kind and funny and honest and wacky.   I think we all even each other out.  The best thing though is that you are all great writers.  You are my teachers.  When the site was down for a while and I didn’t know what was going on with some of you, I waited up.  But now I can go to bed.


     

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