October 7, 2004

• My family of origin has evolved to the point that we were able to give our mother a party when she turned 80, and we enjoyed it.  I drove home in amazement.  My younger sister, wondered later what had changed that evil woman, to make her tolerable.  “Dr. Phil,” I said.  She retired five years ago and began watching daytime TV, Dr. Phil being one of her favorites.  I guessed, “maybe watching his advice to all those people allowed her to move through that life-long, mean state of mind.  You know, through osmosis.”  Maybe there was a mother who was finally forbidden to enter the homes of her children, and when they started having grandchildren, the mother couldn’t bear it any more and said she’d do anything to be invited over.  And they made her go on Dr. Phil.  My mother didn’t seem too interested in coming over when we all started having children.  And, in those days, I would only consent to a visit at Christmas, Thanksgiving, and the girls’  birthday parties, just for the first couple of years.  After that the kids figured out how awful she was. 

  
  

  The real turning point was that on my father’s death bed we discovered he was a scoundrel.  When he was first diagnosed with prostate cancer, a litigator friend told me I had to “take action NOW, in case he dies and it goes into probate.”  The rest of the family was not comfortable with this so we did nothing.  All the lawyers flew into action the day he went into the hospital.  I had just started chemo and did my depo over the phone, but I have refused to be party to the subsequent hearings.  When we first learned about what he’d done,  my brother and sisters would come to my house (our mother was not included) and we would have these meetings to figure out what we should do.  It usually involved calling our cousin, who had worked with him, in the family business.  We would bring wine and dessert and after the “discussions” and the call to the cousin, we would go into the dining room and sit around the table, just like when we were kids.  Plus there would be much phoning, as we gathered and shared information.  Those months were the closest we’ve ever been and it has changed the quality of our family get-togethers.  The biggest change, however, was when Lois — we sometimes call her mom now, in her presence — told us about the affairs he’d had while we were growing up.  In my case the woman lived next door and was the mother of my best friend.  We suddenly had to move and I was never allowed to see or talk to Becky again.  I was given no explanation, and at eight, I did what I was told.  See, we all thought he was the good one and she was the bad one.  We loved him and hated her.  He and I were the closest, so it came as the biggest shock to me.  It kind of turned my world upside down.  I had just left my own family and was living in a rental house.  My kids were pretty pissed.  They were 20, 18, and 13.  The youngest one, because I had joint custody, would stay with me, but the other two didn’t come around at first.  My brother and sisters were my family.  This all happened in 2001.  When I bought this house I realized my brother lived around the corner.  I had been there exactly two times, but I remembered the name of the street.  My mother, when she heard about this house, exclaimed “That’s right around the corner from the lot we were going to build on, when you were little.”  I feel as though I’ve come full circle, and I’m right where I belong.

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